— Today many people are fascinated by psychology and often talk about limiting beliefs. From a spiritual point of view, I want to understand: where do negative patterns come from? Is it from childhood, from trauma, from parents?
— The question is indeed important. First of all, it’s worth noting: the very topic of “negative” is very broad, and people have a special interest in it. Many love to discuss problems, search for their causes, and shift responsibility. For example, if one assumes that difficulties came from mom or dad, then logically one could assume they came from their parents, and further up the chain. This could continue endlessly. But often hidden in this approach is a motive: not to understand, but to shift blame. If we search for the source only to remove responsibility and say “this is not my story, not my fate, not my karma” — the problem will not be solved. Therefore, it is important to clarify: are we asking about the origins in order to honestly understand, or to find a convenient “culprit”?
Conditionally, two aspects can be distinguished, related to negative events:
- Why a person calls an event negative at all.
- How this event occurred — in awareness or “on autopilot.”
For example, if a person experienced trauma at birth (he was pulled out with forceps and injured), he himself did not participate in this process. This is external influence. But still it becomes part of his story.
And what, in general, should be considered a negative event? One of my teachers said: “When I became acquainted with Vedic astrology, I realized that there is always worse.” For one person, a situation is tragic, while for another, there is joy in it. In life it often happens like this: today it seems to us that “it couldn’t be worse,” but years later we look back and think — that time was still happiness.
Many manipulations are built on this: people are frightened with extreme negativity (“we will bomb the whole city”), and then they do something less (“they hit an enterprise”), and everyone sighs with relief, although the goal initially could have been exactly this.
And here an important question arises: how does a person define whether an event is bad or good? A child gets sick — bad. But if it’s just a mild cold — it’s an opportunity to strengthen the immune system. If the illness is severe and the child dies — grief. But if the fever was high, it was reduced, and he recovered — later we say: “Nothing terrible.” That is, perception depends on the moment and further circumstances.
Many events that seem bad in the moment turn out to be useful in perspective. For example, divorce: at first — pain and stress, but later — happiness in a new family. Or being fired: a person loses money, has nothing to live on, and later accepts another offer — and for the next decades lives in happiness and harmony in terms of professional activity. At first — loss of income, and later — the opportunity to find one’s true calling. In order to evaluate negative and positive events, one must be in a wide range of perception.
A very telling example from my practice. A participant in the “V100” program from St. Petersburg was worried: her company was closing, and she considered herself an unsuccessful entrepreneur. But I reminded her that only a year and a half ago she was offered more than a million dollars for this business. If she had sold the company then, she would have been considered successful, even though she had less experience. Why then now, having more experience, does she consider herself unsuccessful? A strange paradox: what yesterday looked like success, today is perceived as failure. But we don’t know what lies ahead. Perhaps refusing the deal saved her from future big losses. I know people who earned large sums, then invested everything in business and not only lost money but went into debt. So was the first event a success and the second a failure? Or the opposite? It is difficult to draw a clear line here. The same with being fired — it seems a tragedy. But it saved his life, because later the building where he worked, for example, was destroyed. So was it a negative event or a positive one?
That is why the main question is not so much about the source of the problem, but about the evaluation of the event. What for us is “negative,” and what is “experience”? This is the main point in considering negative things: the search for the source.
If we talk about causes and effects from which beliefs are born, the spectrum here is enormous. Usually everything begins with a chain of events. A person experiences a series of situations that he himself perceives as negative, and on their basis forms beliefs.
For example:
- “I was born in a certain country, which means I won’t be able to earn money.”
- “In my family men died earlier than women — so the same awaits me.”
- “In our family children died before their parents, so it will be the same in mine.”
People begin to match separate facts and build far-reaching conclusions from them. All this arises from limited perception and the confidence that the world is arranged only by strict “scientific” laws. In reality, cause-and-effect connections are much wider and more complex than we tend to think.
It is important to understand: there are beliefs that really interfere. For example: before you is a pit ten meters long. The belief “if you jump only nine meters — you will crash” sounds negative, but in fact it is a normal belief.
— That’s not a belief, that’s logic. A belief is what prevents you from moving forward constantly.
— But look, a belief can also help you move forward. You say: “If you jump — you’ll crash.” Yes, that’s logic. But aren’t many negative beliefs built on the same “logic”? For example: you were betrayed, and you say: “Everyone is a traitor. I trust no one.” This is already a belief, based on personal experience. It interferes with building new relationships. But if we look deeper, it also has its own “logic.” Because indeed there are situations when people deceive often. Just like falling from a height: from the 50th floor it’s almost always death, from the 5th — serious injuries, from the 1st — most likely nothing. But even from the general rules there are exceptions — sometimes people survive even after falling from a great height.
The same with trust. Can a person live a life meeting only those who will deceive him? Yes. Can he meet only those who never betray? Also yes.
— If a person has the belief “everyone betrays,” then it is precisely such people who will appear.
— Everyone has enough negative and positive beliefs. There are millions of them. And they are not simply “good” or “bad.” They are a reflection of how we understand cause-and-effect connections and how consciously we perceive life. For example, a parent says: “The child is bad at math — we need to find a tutor.” It seems logical and even correct. But if we look deeper, this is already a belief. It comes from fear: “If the child doesn’t cope now, he won’t get into a good educational institution later, and his life will turn out worse.” But how do we know that exactly this institution is necessary for his happiness? Perhaps, on the contrary, difficulties in studies now are part of his destiny and an important lesson. Modern society has taken this belief to the extreme: children are sent to tutors even before school because “it is necessary.” Or an example with vacation: “It is necessary to leave every summer.” In California, where I live, Russian-speaking people say that in summer you must leave here. I lived in Moscow for 12 years, people said the same thing there… In Moscow, the weather in summer is excellent, less traffic, long daylight hours, but many are still sure that “one must leave.” This is also a belief. “It is necessary to go on vacation with the whole family every summer” — my wife has such a belief.
— But this doesn’t prevent you from living. There are beliefs that really interfere.
— Why? This is a belief: first earn money, then have a child. This does interfere with living?
— This is not a negative belief. A negative belief is still when there really is such a shade. As a person who gave birth, I understand — of course, this is absurd, but not a negative belief. This is some kind of limiting belief: it limits a person when he says that first I will earn, then I will have children. But in general, everything that limits you is negative.
— Of course. This is now somewhat abstract, because perhaps no one needs to believe. A person says: “I trust no one.” Why? Because the whole world lies. We live in an era when everyone lies: presidents, bloggers, scientists, doctors — such a position reflects reality. So is this a belief or an adequate observation? A negative belief would be if one claimed that everyone always tells the truth.
I gave the example about children and math because for you this is a positive belief. I think it is a negative belief: we know each other, I know your approach to children, you say that children should get into a good educational institution, and that needs to be dealt with now. But does he really need to get into this institution by fate? That’s a big question. From my position, for you this is a negative belief; for you, it is a correct mental construct. The same belief can have both a positive and negative shade at the same time. Everything depends on the perception of the person.
💡 It is interesting to see how beliefs change over time. Let’s go back 45 years, to Minsk, where I was not yet born. Did my parents have the belief: “you need to buy an apartment so that the children live happily”? Definitely not. Simply because no one had apartments. And now — many have the belief: “you must definitely have your own apartment.” Moreover, even 5 years ago for someone it was vital, and now it is no longer so. That is, beliefs are not only personal — they also depend on the time in which a person lives.
When we talk about negative beliefs, the very first and most important thing is not to look for culprits, but to honestly study the belief in oneself. It is very easy to immediately shift the cause onto mom, dad, trauma, friends, or past experience. But what is truly important is to understand: where did this impulse come from and why did it come into life?
There are situations when a woman experienced violence in childhood, and at the same time she builds healthy relationships with men. And the opposite — there are women who did not have such an experience, but karmically in their life there is energy as if it happened many times, and then they cannot build relationships. This is colossal internal suffering. Therefore, the task is not just to put a label, but to explore the source: where and why did this impulse come into life.
And here arises a key question: is it necessary to work through it? For example, when you think about math for your child, is it worth focusing on the subject itself and trying to “work through” the problem? Or is it important to ask yourself another question: what does my child really need in the future? Am I not creating dozens of new beliefs with my own belief — for him, for other children, for my husband, and for myself? With just one conviction about “how it should be,” we launch an entire chain of influence. What is truly important for a child? That he goes his own way. And this path may now have to do with Stanford, or it may not. Can it depend on the current level of math? Most likely not. That is not the place to start.
I also send my children to study mathematics. But I do this not so that it will be easier for them in school or so that they will enter university. Up to a certain age, in-depth mathematics is not needed at all for children — neither for boys nor for girls. That is why my son is not studying mathematics now. Can this be my negative belief? Of course, yes. It is worth asking the question: on what basis do I act? When you want your child to enter a good educational institution — you transmit it. And if suddenly this does not happen, then along with the desire, a strong negative experience can be fixed. And this is another layer of belief. I am not saying that such actions are wrong. The question is different: do we understand why we are doing this? It is from this understanding that we should start when we work with negative beliefs.
The most important thing, when we talk about negative beliefs, is first to study this belief within yourself. Do not look for excuses for why it appeared. The immediate urge is to shift it onto mom, dad, friends, acquaintances, your own experience, or trauma. Are there women who were raped in childhood and later had normal relationships with men? Yes! Are there women who were not raped in childhood, yet a karmic impulse came into their lives, carrying energy as if they had been raped a hundred times? They cannot be with men at all, they do not trust. This is incredible suffering. That is why it is so important to understand the cause: where did this impulse come from and why. Only this will allow you to study it in detail and understand whether it is worth working with it.
When we encounter a belief like: “If you are kind — then you are poor,” it is important to ask yourself: where did it even come from? It is a product of the culture in which we grew up. It could be the culture of the family, city, country, church, club, even TikTok videos — all of this shapes our perception. In one environment it may really seem that a kind person is doomed to poverty. And in another — on the contrary: kindness is associated with prosperity and respect. Everything depends on the context and the system of rules into which we are immersed. Beliefs are often tied to a specific situation or group.
For example, one builder says: “If I don’t swear at the workers, the project won’t get built.” In his particular environment, this rule works. But this doesn’t mean the whole world is arranged that way. On another construction site, in another company, in another culture, it may be completely different. It’s important to see: beliefs live locally. Somewhere the boss must be worshipped and waited for ten hours. Somewhere it’s important to come in a tie, and somewhere, on the contrary, to be in casual clothes. It all depends on the specific circumstances. The key step is to honestly admit: “This belief was born in a certain environment. But does it work for me personally?”
When we talk about math, the situation is similar. The belief about “mandatory math” is also shaped by a particular culture, society, people’s psychological type. And when Anya argues, refuses to change her point of view, it’s not because she is stubborn. She is defending a familiar foundation. Because once you abandon an old belief — life requires you to act differently. For example: if you recognize that “being from Irkutsk doesn’t mean being poor,” or that “with ADHD you can build a career and family,” or that “it’s not necessary to earn money first before having children,” — then you have to take responsibility and build life by new rules. And that is always harder than staying in the old script. That is why many continue to hold on to beliefs: it’s easier, it’s more familiar. But if we truly want to understand, then we must admit: we poorly understand how the education system works, what children are really taught in school, what skills are being formed. Five simple questions about school — and most parents realize they know almost nothing. And if you ask a hundred — it becomes obvious: knowledge about the real education system is almost zero. To figure this out is difficult, requires time and effort. It’s much easier to tell yourself: “We’ll just do one, two, three, four, five steps,” — just to feel that there is movement.
And do you know what is the hardest thing in working with negative beliefs? It is not destroying the belief and starting to act. The hardest thing is destroying the belief and… doing nothing. Because we are afraid of emptiness. It seems to us that “doing nothing” is wrong, that it is failure. But the truth is, there are actions that are better not done at all. Many things are garbage that we ourselves create and throw into the life of a child, partner, or ourselves. And it could simply not exist. But we are afraid not to act.
— Suppose a person realized a limiting belief. For example: “kind = poor.” I understand that it hinders me, I see that it is illogical. But it continues to influence. What to do next?
— If you admitted that the belief hinders you, the first step is done. You saw: this is an illusion, this is not true. But then it’s important to understand: what is primary in you? You can read positive affirmations, get inspired for five minutes with the thought “I can be both kind and successful,” and then live twenty hours in the old pattern. That doesn’t work. Change happens when energy, faith, and action become primary. When your focus shifts from excuses to real steps.
Here it’s important to understand: regularity is always relative. It all depends on the space you are in, with whom you communicate, in what mindset you read or listen to information. There are things you can really attract, and there are things you will never be able to get. It’s always individual. In such cases, I tell people: it’s important to understand the laws by which this process works. What happens if you become smart and rich? At the expense of what does this happen? Is enough energy invested in your request or intention? If we break this down scientifically, the idea is simple: to receive, you must give a certain volume. But does the volume of your positive thoughts correspond to what you expect to receive? Most often no. Because modern man does not know how to exchange energy, he does not understand it.
Look at a simple example — the richest people in the world. How much do their first thousand employees or even ten thousand employees earn? How does this compare to the income of the owner himself? How is this energy of wealth distributed? If a person says: “I gave you the opportunity to work,” — this sounds like a “royal belief”: “I gave, therefore you must be grateful.”
I myself am from Minsk. Lived there until 2010, then moved to Moscow, and now I live in the USA. I often heard: “Belarus gave you, Moscow gave you, so you owe them.” And I replied: “Why do I owe? Maybe the opposite — they owe me?” After all, I did a lot of good — in business, in profession, for clients. But inside there was always the mindset: “You owe everyone.” This is a very fine line: who owes whom? Wife to husband or husband to wife? Parents to child or child to parents? Parents to their parents? This is a story where there is no correct answer, and the answers are always different, depending on culture and circumstances. Which means the main question is not “who owes whom,” but why are we studying this? Do we want simply to make life better for ourselves or do we want to live according to the laws of the universe? And to live truly is not about “better” or “worse.” It is when what should happen — happens. We do not choose “better” or “worse.” To live in truth means to allow what should happen to happen. Therefore, if you have a negative belief, it is important to understand what it is based on. Where did it come from? Why was it formed in this particular way? And only then decide how to work with it. Through sports? Through health? Through psychotherapy or psychophysical practices? Through books, videos, observation? We must admit: there are beliefs that will never disappear.
Recently I was recording a video and said directly: “You must honestly understand that many people who are watching this video now will never in their life earn more money. They will always have difficulties with money.” Where do you get the certainty that everything will necessarily be good for you? Imagine: a person who will definitely never have money knows this in advance.
The third aspect that is important to realize. First: luck is impermanent. Second: the main thing is work. Third: there are periods in life when there is no money from either work or luck. If you earned money during a period when it was possible — excellent. But there are periods when there will be no money at all. And believe me: for many who are reading this, there will never be money. And for others, who lived their whole life without money, it will appear — unexpectedly, somehow, but it will appear. This is an important aspect: if you never have money, you will fall into the zone of debts, loans, hard life. And this will have to be lived through.
Yesterday we watched an amazing movie about what happens if a person knows the future. Imagine: you know for sure that with money you will always do badly. Then perhaps you will completely stop worrying about it.
— …or you will fall into depression.
— Yes, that is also an option. But in any case, the anxiety about money will disappear. If a person is sure of the outcome, he can shift focus and come into a state where money ceases to be significant. There are people for whom it really doesn’t matter how much money they have. And this is not always connected with external circumstances. Such an attitude can form over time, or it may not.
— You already touched on the topic a bit. Suppose a woman or a man constantly feels “not good enough”: not smart enough, capable enough, worthy enough. You gave the example: a woman sold her company and now cannot do coaching because she feels “not the right one.” How to work with the belief “I am not enough…”?
— You always need to look at the source of the belief. It can be objective or subjective. For example, a woman says: “I will never give birth to a child,” and this is confirmed by medical indicators. This is an objective fact. Or a person without legs says: “I will not be able to walk” — and this was also objective 30 years ago, now technology partially changes reality. But when someone claims: “I am not smart enough,” it is important to understand the context. Yes, there are professions where special abilities are required, and that’s normal. But more often such beliefs are false. For example, a resident of a small village says: “I cannot earn $100,000 a year.” This is logical — in the local economy, such money simply does not exist. But if he says: “I cannot earn from a coffee shop or a pilates studio,” — this is not a fact, because demand, at least minimal, still exists.
Therefore, it is always necessary to check: is the belief healthy or fabricated? And most importantly — why are you working with it? A person says: “I am not smart enough to earn a lot of money.” The question: why does she need to earn a lot of money? Maybe money is needed to pay for housing — then you can choose cheaper housing. Won’t it turn out that a person started earning money and then there appeared housing that again is not enough for? Maybe she wants to prove something to others — then the issue is not money, but recognition. We need to dig deeper: not “am I smart enough?”, but “why is it so important for me to achieve this goal?”
Take another example: parents are often concerned about what their children think about their work. I, for example, sometimes want to ask my child: “What do you think I do?” But honestly, even my wife cannot precisely describe what exactly I do. And friends, too. Everyone sees only a part. The important thing is not what label the child puts (“my dad is a driver,” “director,” “athlete”), but how he sees me as a person. I have many roles: simultaneously investor, entrepreneur, mentor, blogger, teacher. How can this all fit into one word? It cannot. Therefore, in beliefs it is always necessary to return to the question: why is this perception important to me?
So, working with a belief:
- First, you need to admit that it may be negative. Allow the very possibility that it is untrue.
- Next, begin to explore the reasons for its appearance. Spend time, write down your thoughts — and almost always it turns out that the belief was formed on old traumas, the influence of parents, teachers, the opinion of a partner, or on incorrect comparisons with other people. You can come to the conclusion: “This is completely invented, it has no evidence base.” And then it becomes clear that the belief is fabricated.
There are also things that look absurd. For example: “If a boy peed standing up in childhood, in adulthood his ability to express love will be reduced.” Horrible? But isn’t it an interesting connection? Or: “If a child was forced to play the piano at age 5, by 30 he will have certain questions about life.” What kind of beliefs are these? A person will ask to keep them to yourself. Science cannot yet test such hypotheses, but who said they are impossible? After all, we have not even studied the consequences of IVF through several generations. There are whole areas that remain a “black box.” Therefore, the honest approach is this: to acknowledge that you are in a black box. You have a belief, and you don’t know if it is true or not. But you make the decision to act in the chosen direction. Then it becomes easier, because you do not cling to the illusion of “solid ground,” which may not exist. And most importantly: to find inner support. To understand what you can really rely on within yourself. When this exists, any external beliefs stop knocking you down, and the ability to see the right next step appears.
We both know that if you don’t water a hydrangea every 3–4 days, it will wither. If you water it once every 5–7 days — it will survive, but look worse. And if you water it once every 2 weeks — it will die. But if in the current weather you water it every 3 days, it will feel excellent. It’s simple: there are clear actions, and the result is obvious. But there are situations when we don’t understand how to act correctly. We try at random, realizing the risk — and the plant may die. It’s the same in life: do we fully realize that some of our actions with children and with ourselves can lead to destructive consequences? Do we truly realize this?
— Look, I try to work with psychology, to search for and remove limiting beliefs. I find them, work through them. But my loved ones don’t support me, instead they reinforce these beliefs. For example: “since you didn’t earn money, it means you don’t bring value to the family.” And you think: “Yes, I really didn’t earn money, so I must be useless.” What should I do with this?
— We live in a world where people constantly create problems for each other and bring an enormous amount of negativity. It’s literally everywhere. Open any social network, YouTube, any video content — a stream of negativity flows. Yes, there is positivity too, but overall the state of society is negative. Even in a café you can feel how people are sitting, what mood they are in. But it’s important to remember: not only is negativity transmitted from the outside. Each of us also transmits a lot of it — to our loved ones, friends, colleagues. And of course, people often don’t believe that someone else can succeed, they constantly undermine confidence. Especially in post-Soviet culture — it’s a culture of rules and limitations. From childhood we are told: the most important thing is hard work. “Without labor you won’t catch a fish,” “if you don’t get an education — you’re nobody,” “if you don’t get married — it’s wrong,” “if you don’t have children — it’s bad.” A huge set of “musts” and “must nots.” Even omens: “a black cat means trouble,” “say something bad — knock three times,” “laugh too much — you’ll cry later,” “cry too much — you’ll keep crying,” and so on.
And this is the world we and our children live in. Learning to live alongside it is difficult. But even more difficult — to stop doing the same ourselves. To constantly track: am I bringing benefit right now, or harm? Am I transmitting truth, or imposing a belief? This is a colossal responsibility. And if we’re talking about a simple exercise: when someone gives you advice, ask yourself — how well does this person actually know me? Do they understand me, feel me? Does their advice bring benefit or harm? The same — in the opposite direction: how do you treat this person? What do you truly think about them? This is an important practice.
I spoke about how important it is to understand what our children think of us. Do you know what your children really think about you? Most likely, no. To figure it out, you need to listen and ask for a long time. I mean not superficial things like “mom is kind” or “mom is strict,” but a holistic perception — as a personality, as a human being.
I recently rewatched recordings of our trip to Bulgaria in 1997. And it turned out that my sister and I don’t remember it at all! Not the cities, not the entertainment, not the cafés. Only a vague image of one city and, strangely, the tax officials who were also vacationing there. Our parents invested, wanted to give us impressions, but we remembered nothing. We went with them to a restaurant, and in those years that was interesting. My sister ate ice cream and asked: “What fruit is this? Nectarine?” Mom said it was a nectarine. Now it seems funny. And yet we still try to bring something new to our children. But if you take the total amount we give them, you could just stop traveling with them altogether. In the summer of 2022, I drove across Europe with my kids for three months, 15,000 kilometers in a car. Lived with them for three months in Europe, then lived with them for four months in Bali. My children have traveled everywhere. But the question is: what will they actually remember from this?
The same with how people perceive us. We think: “They know me.” But what piece exactly do they know? That mom works? That mom loves good coffee? That mom is sometimes sad? Or that mom plays sports? Or the smell that comes from her? What exactly forms perception? That’s the key. And now imagine: another person expresses an opinion about you or your actions. Says: “You won’t succeed, without labor you won’t pull a fish out of the pond.” And yet Vasya bought one bitcoin yesterday, and in six months it grew tenfold — no labor involved. The person says this is also labor. You answer: “You tell me I need to work 12 hours every day.” But it turns out, it was enough just to do that one thing. And then you ask: “How well does this person actually know me? Do they understand who I am?”
That is the key to working with other people’s beliefs. What does one person really think about another? In fact, it’s an easy topic if you remove the ego. Because the hard part is not resisting words, but looking deeper: what does the person actually think about me? How do they feel me? And what about me is most important to them?
In my interviews I talk a lot about different people. I think I’ve told quite a lot about my wife. Is there a formed sense of knowledge, opinions about my wife? I’ve highlighted different things, and then you perceive what I tell in your own way.
And another important point — perception changes. Today a person thinks one way, tomorrow another. That’s why people sometimes write to me: “I listened to you for years, didn’t understand, and now suddenly I do.” A new realization was born. That means perception is always alive and changing.