#spirituality #selfdevelopment #personaltransformation
What’s the root of worrying about other people’s opinions?
There’s a deep issue that bothers almost everyone throughout life: What will people say if I take certain actions? What will my parents, friends, spouse, colleagues, partners, or even strangers think? What about someone I’ve never met in my life? People worry about others’ opinions no matter where they are. They stress over a virtual, imagined opinion without understanding the root of this feeling.
Here’s the interesting paradox: you start worrying about a non-existent opinion of someone else. Picture this: you’re sitting, watching TV, a movie, and worrying about what the character in that movie thinks.
Worrying about the opinions of parents, friends, or colleagues (like wondering what characters in a movie think) isn’t real. The most important thing is learning how to deal with your worry – this is a critical step toward your growth and expansion. It’s what can allow you to develop in entirely new ways, unlocking 10x, 100x, even 1000x progress in how you perceive life and your own potential.
The Cycle of Consequences
People spend an enormous amount of time not on actions or making the right decisions but on worry. It's important to look at the first layer: the energy and strength spent on worrying bring completely the opposite effect. We stir up the person we believe has certain expectations or might think something negative about us. We worry about what dad, mom, husband, or wife might say, creating a cycle of very heavy consequences for ourselves.
Why does this happen?
First and foremost, it happens because you are not in a state of self-belief. Simple, right? You tell someone they don’t believe in themselves, and they respond: “No, I do believe in myself.” Yet, any worry about what another person thinks is directly tied to your state of confidence in yourself and your understanding of who you are, what you can do, and what you cannot.
Often, this worry creates a state of aggression, where a person says they don’t care about others' opinions under any circumstances. But this is the same worry, just a different flavor. When this side appears, it’s still a type of worry, just of another kind. Here, you find yourself in a state of false confidence – an exaggerated ego. Notice how an insecure person (and strong ego is always present in insecurity) often behaves very poorly with people who they should be in good standing with. These are the people who trust them, who are ready to help, but they try to elevate themselves out of an inflated ego instead of being honest and asking for help, advice, or having an open conversation. They block themselves off and act like they don’t care about others’ opinions, showing off their ego. This is often visible.
On the other hand, with people they shouldn’t open up to – those who aim to take advantage of them or cause harm – they start behaving overly accommodating, showing a vulnerable side where it’s unnecessary. At this point, they experience an even stronger blow, as these people reinforce their belief that things won’t work out for them. These are the people whose opinions you worry about, with whom you show weakness, and who further suppress your confidence and self-belief.
Belief in Yourself and Expectations of Others
This is a complex, fundamental, and essential topic. Let’s discuss how to avoid being trapped in this situation and instead perceive it from a broader perspective.
What does it mean to “not believe in yourself”?
The issue here isn’t just about others and their expectations. The root lies in your lack of belief in yourself. But let’s first revisit the topic of expecting things from others.
When we expect something from someone, we harm them. That is, we communicate, interact, and agree with them, but not in a mode of genuine growth. Instead, we narrow down the interaction to a specific corridor. We follow a pre-written script, fearing to stray left or right from the “plan” of real life and allowing it to flow naturally. Over the years, this unaddressed trauma grows stronger and becomes an unresolved issue. We fail to find peace together, and these relationships shift from mutual growth to regression. Over time, people often lose each other because of this.
A Different Perspective: A Business Example
The key point here: someone might have a different opinion not because they are better or worse than you, but because they have different goals and perspectives in life.
Let me explain with a simple example.
Imagine you want to align professionally in business with a certain entrepreneur and seek their approval or recognition of your behavior. Meanwhile, you’re focused on doing work you love, something that inspires you creatively every day. However, that entrepreneur is solely interested in making money, regardless of the nature of the business—even if it harms others. You and this person will never align in your expectations: you value their opinion, but their life, goals, and circumstances are entirely different from yours.
For instance, one person might say: “To gain freedom in your schedule, you need to work extremely hard—15–20 hours a day. Once you’ve put in that effort, you’ll earn the freedom to spend time with your family.” This person has a family, two kids, and says, “I’ve achieved time freedom: look, I spend time with my child twice a month.” But you look at them and realize this is not what you want—not spending time with your child only twice a month.
Your vision for interacting with your child is entirely different. You want to be with them, live with them, and grow alongside them. Your full life isn’t defined by two days or just Saturdays. You want to live in a way where the question of “too little or too much time” doesn’t even arise. It’s about naturally and harmoniously being integrated into your child’s life.
There’s an interesting paradox here. I know many strong individuals and sometimes wish I could achieve certain things they do. However, when I listen to what they say about family relationships, time with their children, or how they spend their time, I realize they live in an entirely different world. For me, there’s no question of whether I spend too much or too little time with my four kids. I have an internal sense that our lives are deeply connected, and there’s no such thing as “too much” or “too little.”
Everything happens harmoniously and naturally: whether I spend eight hours with them in a day or just see them briefly in the morning or evening. I notice how I focus on them, how I engage with them—even if it’s just for 30 seconds. I reflect on their well-being, feel them as individuals, or simply acknowledge them as someone who passed by. When I look at them, do I feel fear or uncertainty about how they are developing, or does this feel like a complete, fulfilling life?
Ultimately, worries about missed opportunities or time are closely tied to your concerns about the future—what might happen in 15, 20, or 30 years. You are not living in a state of harmony and are not truly making the right decisions. Often, this arises because of expectations placed on others.
Those Who Take Advantage: How to Avoid It and Build Trust
Let’s break this down again. Imagine two types of interactions: on one hand, you meet people who want to take advantage of you; on the other, you encounter people who genuinely want to help. In today’s world, shaped by current societal norms, this dynamic is commonplace. That’s why it’s essential to be cautious around those who want to exploit you—not necessarily by closing yourself off, but by staying alert and, most importantly, not concerning yourself with their opinions. Why?
If someone wants to use you and you simultaneously care about their opinion, it creates a devastating double blow. On one side, you care about what they think, hoping to change their opinion or gain their approval. This pressures you. That energy presses down hard because it’s directed against your humanity. On the other side, this person is actively trying to exploit you, adding even more pressure. This is overwhelming, leaving you feeling worse.
Now let’s look at the other side: when you interact with people who genuinely want to help and are open toward you. In this situation, your insecurities may flare up, manifesting as a need to prove: “I’ll show them I truly believe in myself. I am confident.” But this transforms into an attempt to press them further—you end up trying to use their goodwill to impose your own opinion. And again, you face a double blow. First, by harming someone who means well, you’re 100% setting yourself up for trouble and will be punished for it.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it: one of the most significant aspects of personal growth, the development of your life and perception, is how you treat others. This is a foundational truth.
In the second scenario, when you pressure someone who approached you with kindness, you’re working against yourself. Over time, this becomes automatic. Psychologically and physically, you stop trusting people who deserve your trust. As the years go by, repeating this behavior turns you into a “robot” unable to recognize good people, feel love, connect with nature, or express love to those around you.
This is a heavy burden, one that affects your family, friends, and children—or future children, if they ever exist. The longer you delay addressing this, the harder it becomes to resolve, trapping you in a deepening spiral.
How to Recognize Your Insecurity
The first step is to understand this structure and consciously begin tracking it, because you already know you are insecure. Once you start exploring this deeply, you’ll feel it.
How can you bring this awareness into a space where you acknowledge your insecurity and use it as a strength to be honest and truthful with the right people? How do you discern whose opinion truly matters and whose does not? There are, indeed, some opinions that hold value.
An interesting point: how do you find such people?
You might think it’s important to have good relationships with your mom, dad, spouse, or partner. But this isn’t about specific roles; it’s about people in general. Some behaviors, even from parents, can be completely unacceptable. These parents may have always treated you poorly and likely will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. No matter what you show, prove, or explain to them, they will keep hammering you like a nail.
The worst conclusion you can draw is this: “I achieved my success because my parents pushed me.” Whether it’s building a good family, earning significant money, or gaining social status, attributing your achievements to their pressure is the most harmful belief you can adopt. Gratitude directed at someone who crushed you only further entrenches the harm. If you are truly living and feeling, at some point, this will become unbearable. It can deeply damage you, especially when interacting with this person.
This doesn’t mean you need to completely stop communicating with parents who press you down—it means recognizing and seeing this dynamic. Learn to set boundaries and not let them continue. However, avoid a false sense of openness toward them; if you do, they will seize the opportunity to hammer you even further.
I’m not suggesting that you withhold love, compassion, or kindness from anyone. These qualities should be shared with all people. But you need to understand whether you have the strength for it. You might be capable of showing compassion and love to thousands of people, but with one particular person, your psyche may buckle. You might break down, unable to hold your ground. Sometimes, this can be almost impossibly hard to bear.
The Fundamental Nature of Others’ Opinions
Here’s something important, something that might stir a lot of emotions and feelings, but it needs to be said: you will never resolve the issue of expectations toward other people in a single day, month, or probably even in years of your life. This is a fundamental trait of human nature, something that will always be inside you. It’s crucial not to give this a positive meaning, but to remember that it exists – it’s something that will be with you throughout your life. However, if you start observing this state, becoming aware of it, sitting in it calmly, accepting it – it will gradually lead you to a broader perception. It’s like seeing life in new colors, where it stops being black and white and becomes vibrant – beautiful and full.
You might live your life thinking everything is great, but still feel bad. Observing this state allows you to tap into your inner strength – a strength and confidence of a scale you don’t even know yet. You might feel like you understand what it means to "believe in yourself," but that’s an illusion. You know how to believe in yourself at a level of 10 or 100. I’m suggesting you believe in yourself at 100,000 – to find the path to those emotions, to that million or billion of feelings. It’s an incredibly powerful point of scaling your perspective.