— How can you learn to handle negativity directed at you?
Very often a person encounters negativity aimed at them that is genuinely unfounded. We’re not talking about constructive feedback here, but about remarks that are critical, harsh, sometimes bordering on bullying. And sometimes it’s simply that people in society tend to talk to each other that way. In the moment a person can’t defend themselves — they don’t know how to respond, they just go silent and absorb the negativity. And later, in the evening, replaying it all in their head, they think: “Why didn’t I answer? Why didn’t I react? Why didn’t I defend my boundaries?” But it’s already too late — the moment has passed.
How can you learn to defend your boundaries and be resilient to negativity from others?
— The moment you said “negativity,” I immediately pictured this: a bear walks toward us — and your state flips into something completely outside your control. Life can be exactly like that: when someone starts yelling at a person — in a meeting, at home, a brother at a sister, a wife at a husband, acquaintances at each other — they drop into a state as if they ran into a bear.
And we’re not judging who’s right and who’s wrong. That matters. Because once I explain the solution, you’ll see — the essence isn’t about that at all.
If a person slips into that state, it’s important to see: at a basic level they’re unprepared for it. And “unprepared” doesn’t mean they don’t know what the state looks like. It means they don’t know how to work with it, don’t want to, have never consciously lived through it. Theoretically, could you learn to respond calmly to a bear? Of course. People travel, observe bears, live near them. And the more often you encounter the bear, the calmer you feel. That doesn’t mean it becomes comfortable, but your anxiety lowers. There’s a task here.
For it to work, you have to learn to catch the moment. With a bear it’s simple — it steps out, everything’s clear. But with people — it’s unclear when exactly a situation arises that flips you into that state. Most people aren’t inclined to observe a situation — they try to solve it immediately. And those are very different things. It’s one thing to track, to notice how a conflict is born. It’s another to want it to end and for everything to be fine. A person doesn’t like being yelled at — they want the yelling to stop. They don’t like being criticized — they want the criticism to end.
But there’s another stance. With a bear you don’t try to change its behavior. You don’t say, “Hey, could you please not be so scary? Don’t growl, don’t trigger my hormones, okay?” That’s pointless. Now look honestly: in most human situations a person wants exactly that — for others not to treat them that way.
Task No. 1: learn to stay
To truly learn to respond appropriately, the first thing to do is to stop wanting others to start behaving differently, and learn to stay in it.
For example: when you ask people where they’d like to live, many instantly block the possibility of perception. Remember when we were talking with Polina? You asked her: “Polina, would you want to live in Indonesia again?” She replied: “No, never, not for anything!” That’s an instant perception block. And when I’m asked whether I’d like to live in Indonesia, I answer: “I’m not considering that option now, but if circumstances line up that way — then I’ll go. And I’ll live there.” In other words, I don’t treat it as positive or negative — neutral.
When we talk about aggression from others, it’s important to set an inner stance from the start: the task is not to change others, not to change the space, and not to extract benefit. The task is to learn to be in any space where there’s no threat to life, and to feel okay.
What does that mean? It means feeling equally calm in the most beautiful and in the least beautiful place. Feeling internally steady both in your favorite city and in one where you might not want to live. You can even set yourself the task: feel okay. That doesn’t mean I’d want to feel “okay” living, say, in Nepal or Nigeria — or that I’d strive to live there. It doesn’t mean you have to go and live through every possible experience — no. We’re talking about a state. If circumstances line up that way, I’m ready to receive it calmly — from a stance of observation, without negativity. And if I consciously observe it — that’s the preparation. That’s step one. Without it, everything else is meaningless.
💡 Once again: the best thing you can do is learn to feel yourself in the same state when aggression is directed at you and when it isn’t. This isn’t about being emotionless. It’s much deeper — it’s a free, real, true perception of what’s happening. And believe me, everyone would like to be able to be in that state. Because that state is the state of truth.
Let’s look at another angle. When someone else is being yelled at, how do you feel? Some people feel very calm, and some worry that they’ll be yelled at next. And some feel for the other person.
It always comes down to what you want to get. If, say, you’re at work and your boss constantly yells at everyone, and you understand that the yelling will continue, then your primary goal at work won’t change because of it. And a person’s main goal at work, for example, is to earn money. Does that goal change because someone yells at them? They look around — the boss has yelled at 400 people, and the amount of money they have hasn’t changed. You could say, “Let him yell.” Then you choose: am I willing to be in a space where someone yells at me, or not? But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respond calmly. Why does a person respond uncalmly when a boss yells if they’re working for money? Because someone once told them, “No one has the right to yell at you.” Someone instilled that. If, all your life, people around you said that yelling is normal, you’d grow used to it and wouldn’t pay attention.
There are places where yelling is seen as abnormal. If someone walks into a quiet space and starts yelling, everyone goes: “Shh!” In San Francisco, if someone is yelling in the street, people assume it’s a homeless or mentally ill person. There are habits — places where people might shout, and places where they can’t.
A person says: “I don’t want him to yell; my boss is behaving inappropriately.” What should you look at truly? At the fact that “I work here for the money. I’m willing to be in teams where someone yells. I slipped into an ungrounded state not because I have less money or my life is threatened, but because I saw that my boss didn’t like my work or disagrees with my idea. Or if he yelled at someone else, he might yell at me.” Of course there are traumas — parents yelled in childhood, someone scared you; many scenarios. I agree. But it’s important to see what’s actually happening in this meeting. If you see the truth, you won’t “black out”; you’ll take in the reaction calmly.
We didn’t try to change anything with the bear — we said: you need to prepare.
— And if the mistreatment, the bullying, keeps repeating, and the person freezes, stays silent, and takes it — then what?
Task No. 2: understand why the other person is doing it
— You must always understand why the other person is acting that way. Sort out the motives: from what impulses are they doing this? There are always causes and effects. Why does a person behave like that?
Someone can bully without a personal grievance toward a specific person. For example, at work. Or a wife comes home tired in the evening and starts yelling at the kids — she clearly didn’t want to yell; it’s a breakdown, an outburst of state. It’s an expression of force — not love, but negative force, an urge to show power. Same with many bosses: they shout as a display of power because they can’t govern themselves.
Or another scenario. I’ve personally managed thousands of people and have often proposed ideas in meetings. Some people accept any idea, and some challenge every idea. In one of my businesses there were 30 directors; from the start I calmly said: “When I propose an idea, you take it into work and say, ‘Thank you, noted.’ If you want to discuss — do it later, but not with a ‘but… what if…’ during the presentation.” Instead, people could take notes and later propose an improvement or clarify implementation: “We have 34 light fixtures there, and you said 8 — how did you envision that?” But if, during the meeting, people start interrupting while I’m generating a stream of information for 14 hours straight, I can take that as protest and begin to get angry. Often it isn’t protest, but I know how to scan for protest — and that creates situations where I might respond sharply.
What am I saying? You need to figure out why a person is reacting sharply. Did you create the conditions? Did you push it there? It’s very important to understand why this particular person reacts this way. Maybe you bring an 8-page presentation, and they like odd numbers — bring an odd number. The majority of conflicts are tied to our own behavior, to our desire to contribute something. That’s one block of causes.
— What if someone yells at you in a store and, as a person, you can’t say anything back. Not to yell back — but should you respond somehow or not? Or you come to a hospital and someone talks to you inappropriately?
— You’re describing deeper things. For example, a situation in a store: someone just yelled at you. Or you’re walking down the street — a drunk shouts, “Hey, idiot!” What should you do? Shout back “Hey, idiot!”? What can you do in that moment, the most human thing?
— I’d probably just ignore it and walk past.
— And if we look deeper, from the standpoint of true spirituality, what can you do?
— Well… to understand that the person is in trouble, that they have a problem. I probably know the “right” answer, but it’s hard to apply it to myself.
— The greatest thing you can do is direct love toward that person. That’s the maximum. Send them a feeling of understanding and compassion. Everything else is less. You can, yes, simply walk by neutrally.
So when this happens in a store — if you want to learn to interact with it, add love into your actions. It’s a remarkable feeling. Just try it: someone is yelling at you, you’re shaking, but you find the strength to direct human love toward them. And you leave. It’s incredibly protective. Protective not only in the sense of development or integral perception, but from the perspective of your soul. It protects you in life — always.
And in the hardest situations it works too — of course, not with a lion or a bear. We’re not talking about a physical threat, but about the state that arises inside. Although it’s clear that for many people yelling or aggression is associated with physical danger. But we’re not going there now. Because directing attention and love — that’s something you can’t argue with.
Why was it hard for you to say “love” toward such a person? Why did you want to just walk by?
— I think because it’s hard for me to transmit love to a stranger who insulted me or hurt someone else. I’m more comfortable reacting neutrally, not taking it personally, not triggering negativity. For me, the solution is not to get involved. I’m not saying that’s right, it’s just how I feel. Love in that situation — that’s truly not easy, especially toward a stranger. And if there’s also threat, aggression, or fear — it’s even harder. I’ve had situations when people on the street scared me so badly I screamed. It’s like with the bear.
— Again. There’s a critical scenario — like with the bear — and there’s a scenario where you start to fear any person on the street. There are intervals between those extremes. We’re looking at that middle ground, where you can gradually dismantle a huge number of barriers.
The very fact that you’re directing attention to your own state is already the most honest, the truest thing you can do. It’s the only state that’s lawful before the Universe. It doesn’t violate any balance.
Because a person might not be shouting “just because.” Maybe they’re having a heart attack. Maybe they just found out their children died. Maybe they’re shouting from agony, from guilt over what they’ve done. Reasons vary. And if you learn to see them — you move into a balanced, healthy perception of others.
And in some situations, if someone is yelling at you, you can calmly say: “Stop. You will not do that to me again.”
— We’re talking a lot about yelling. What if we broaden it — to any negative context where someone shows aggression? Sometimes it truly isn’t your fault. But sometimes a person freezes and can’t tell: is this really the other person’s problem, or am I just not ready to hear feedback? How do you learn to tell the difference?
— When you start to recognize causes and effects, you see what’s actually happening. For example, you reacted negatively not because the person said something untrue, but because they said it in front of others. If it had been said one-on-one — you might have stayed calm.
💡 I lead many groups, as you know. I often share life examples, sometimes with names, sometimes without. And I watch how people respond. Sometimes I analyze the situation of someone who’s right there in the group. One person is grateful — their example was analyzed, it helps. Another gets angry, offended, stops listening, simply because they heard it was about them.
Imagine the same event with two opposite vectors. One person is happy and grateful that their situation is being worked through; another is annoyed and thinks, “Why are you even talking about me?” And the answer is simple. It all depends on the state you act from. If it’s from purity, a desire to understand and grow — you’re grateful. If it’s from ego, significance, the desire to show yourself — you’re angry.
A huge portion of our reactions stems from exactly that. So it’s important to sort out causes and effects. When I talk about someone, why am I doing it? To belittle? To “hammer the nail”? Or to highlight, help them realize, show others? The very same action can come from different motives.
It’s the same at work. If a boss points out your mistake — why are they doing it? To shore up their ego because they have nowhere else to do it? Or so the company, the team, you yourself — are healthier? From what are they acting — strength or weakness? Maybe they simply don’t know how to do it differently.
You remember we talked about sick people. And that is the real salvation. It’s easy to want to save someone with cancer, but no one wants to save someone unbalanced who’s yelling. We want to save the dying, but not the sullen. We want to save a friend with a tumor, but not the person who hurled an insult at you on the street. And that is the very division of people: this one we save, that one we don’t. These are “faithful,” those are “unfaithful.” This one is good, that one is bad. This one speaks correctly, that one doesn’t. This job is “real,” that one is “unimportant.” This company is prestigious, that one isn’t. This country is good, that one is bad. This wife is “right,” that one isn’t.
That’s what our society has grown out of over the last centuries. And the key to resolution lies exactly where we started: in the capacity to see the human in every person and to act from a state of love.