#spirituality #selfdevelopment #personalitytransformation
How not to lose relationships?
A person doesn't have many close people in their life. And there are people who ask themselves: how not to lose relationships with those around you when you are changing yourself?
An interesting point: when you start doing something, people often ask if your spouse or friends are also involved. I remember when I started engaging in spiritual development, practices, meditations, trips, and meetings, some people would ask, "Is your wife involved in these activities or not?" You say that your wife is not involved, and people look at you very strangely. Why?
There is a certain feeling that husband and wife (this is often broadcasted) should move and develop in the same state. The same goes for friends and partners – "they should develop and move together." But in life, each person has a unique path, and because of this, even if we develop and move together in one direction, in another, there can be completely different roads.
The question about my wife and spiritual development was asked to me a little over 10 years ago, and now I can say: over this time, my relationship with my wife has improved many times, I have definitely come to love the person in a completely different way. Although it would seem, it's not the state of initial passion, joy, some things, but in reality, the current love and passion are much greater. They are in a different plane of experience, on a completely different level. Although my wife does not dedicate her life to being with me in many states of spiritual development, particularly in meditations, practices, trips, reading books, meetings with some groups, clubs, watching my videos. She does not do this. Did I want her to do it? Maybe, as Sasha Volchek, from the perspective of a "basic" person, some social life. But from the point of view of my internal state, spiritual being, wholeness of myself, I understand that there is no necessity in this: everyone has their own path and movement.
When you ask yourself how not to lose relationships, or when your mom asks why you are not friends with a specific person now, or when we see that with the appearance of a new business, we started communicating less with some close people or another company appeared.
This doesn't necessarily happen in business. New hobbies, activities, perception changes, company changes. In one company, people drank alcohol, in the new one – no alcohol, you understand that it is not needed, it's poison, and in the other company, they don't understand you, ask a huge number of questions: "How is this? What is this?" You feel out of place, in a broken heavy space. On the one hand, you and the people around you say that you abandoned your close people, friends, relationships, that everything will disappear, change. You start to have a state of quite a big fear about what is happening, and an incomprehension of whether it should be like this, because a huge number of people start to condemn you. On the other hand, you have a state of strong ego, when you say: "Listen, it's me who is developing, and they can live where they want. It's me who is moving, and they can be where they want. It's me who is scaling, and they can be where they want. It's me who started earning more money, so they can be where they want." Let's call it "ego", a slightly different zone.
That is, on the one hand – fear and insecurity in yourself, incomprehension of what will happen, on the other – an exalted state of ego. In a person's life, these two spaces in terms of change and loss of relationships with other people will arise in any case.
It's worth considering each of these states separately and understanding what the solution is for these things. When analyzing the first block, the main thing to tell yourself regarding your own fear and ongoing changes: your fear arises not because you will lose personal relationships, but because you are not confident in what you are doing. Because of this, you want the support of other people.
That is, you joined some new club, got into new creativity, or started reading new books – you want the support of another person, want to do it together with them. It's like starting a business with friends, because often people start a business together not to have a better result, to get "1+1=100" as they say, but to make losing easier.
Surprisingly, but this is the fundamental reason: people often start together because it's easier to lose together. When you lose alone – you are alone. When you lose with someone – you can always easily explain to each other, it's a bit harder to explain to yourself, that others were wrong, the world was not right, there were certain circumstances, and you did everything right. You have each other's support when the other person says: "And I like what you do" – such praise.
Why are you afraid of losing relationships?
Accordingly, when you have the state that you might lose personal relationships because of your own development, you need to look inside yourself and understand: it arises not because you are afraid of harming another person, but because you have internal insecurity in yourself. As a consequence, if you change the cause-and-effect relationship, you automatically harm the other person. Being in such a state, you start to transmit something to the other person: persuade them that they need to read specific books, the necessity to start a business, that working in a company is unfashionable, or vice versa, convince them otherwise. You start either persuading the person or disconnecting from them, not to be around, not to hear complaints or illusions, expectations, details.
People are inclined to absolutely different behaviors: some can be in a state of support, a huge number of people will be in a state of negativity because many do not want you to change. Your changes, of course, trigger their own awareness of the lack of such changes. This is an endless chain.
If you are in the illusion of these two states, it is important that you start an endless chain for yourself and the people around you. This is a cancerous tumor that you originally laid inside your own changes. Acting this way, you disrupt your own changes, scaling, and bring yourself an error.
Imagine: you worked somewhere, earned money, decided to try to start a business. You start launching it, and you have a conflict with close people. You try to prove to some people that they should also start a business, disconnect from others. All the storm of negative things is laid as the root of your own business, and it is originally created on an error. Such a business is a trauma, a tragedy. It will be very hard to find the cause-and-effect relationship later, almost impossible.
Everything in life develops - including dies and ends
On the other hand, you start changing, certain events happen: for example, a new company appeared. The best thing you can do regarding existing relationships is to understand that absolutely everything in our life develops. I always say that development doesn't necessarily move positively (what a person considers such), you can develop negatively as well. On the one hand, everything in life develops because it moves, but on the other hand, everything dies and ends. And the relationships that arise in your life with different people will end at some point anyway. At least in this life.
When we are in the flow of understanding spiritual worlds, understanding ourselves as a spiritual being, and that you have a lot of life and experiences; and that you are not 20, or 30, or 40, or 50 years old, but your spiritual being is much older, then, of course, these relationships might have already been or might still be born.
But the point is that in any case, all relationships will end – die. The very fact of acknowledging and understanding this stops comparing two people in a state of dependency. If I know that my relationships with a person will end, I do not hold them close to me all the time. I do not live in a state of expectation, complaints, traumas, or problems that something will happen. This gives me the opportunity to look at our relationships truly, sincerely, holistically, valuably see what is key in them, what should continue to exist or should end.
Acknowledging that your relationships will end in any case, acknowledging this, not just some banal reasoning at the level of some theories: "Of course, what are you talking about, it is logical that all relationships will end, it is logical that any person will die."
But the question of acknowledgment: do you really understand, do you really feel with your whole system that death can come right now? Do you really feel with your whole system that all relationships will end? That everything is born and dies, all flowers and trees – everything completely? And relationships too, and the closest relationships: not only with parents, husband and wife, children – everyone without exception. The same goes for any partnerships.
And here is the question: what do you feel inside? Relationships can end in a neutral passage, just truly, as if to move on, relationships must end negatively or positively? But the point is that they just have to pass. It doesn't matter if it will be negative or positive. The very fact of measuring relationships by negative-positive state is absurd.
Imagine: you are friends and live with someone, let's say for 10 years, you have an amazing relationship, and in all that time there wasn't a single conflict. Your relationship ends with a fight, and then somehow life separates you into different countries, and you no longer communicate with each other. Does this mean your relationship was bad or good? Does it mean it ended badly or well? What does "ended" mean? Is it the last second? The last 10 meetings? The last meeting? The last 2, 3 years, 10 years? What is this period anyway? Can it be measured by time? And if we say that 99.99% of the relationship was in a state of love and great feelings, what difference does it make that there was one conflict at the very end? After all, you lived through an incredibly good state with this person for 10 years, but we focus on this very moment. Why do so many quarrels arise? We need to prove something to this person right now, we want to shove our opinion into their head. We don't treat our relationships in a broad range of perception: in trust, love, firmness, the importance of these relationships. We treat them "somehow."
Example from life
In my home, there's a pretty big area, and there are many different zones. There are places where I plant flowers or plants myself. I was traveling, I come back, and the hares have eaten a huge part of the area. On one hand, you can get into the state of "why did this happen, why did I plant a garden here, I spent so much time." On the other hand, you can tell yourself, and it's easy for me to do this: "They ate it, so what, I'll plant new ones." And on the third hand, you can just treat it as a certain event. Not trying to find a problem in terms of that I put in the effort and something was destroyed, but at the same time not trying to recreate the beautiful picture again. Just treat it calmly, it's just the flow of life. What did they eat? Who cares? Anyway, all the flowers will wither this year, and something new will be born. I don't even know which of these flowers are annuals and which aren't. Anything can happen. It's just the natural flow, living through events. The same goes for relationships.
About expectations regarding relationships
The very question: "How not to lose personal relationships through the process of various changes?" tends to be asked by people who have taken up something new. It actually contains trauma, a bit of poison, because at this moment we forget that all relationships in life die. It seems like a very strange solution, but the depth of solving this issue lies in perceiving life a bit broader. When you direct such perception at any relationship, it brings incredible things from you to another person: it starts to break down your own expectations of the other person. It starts to break down doubts about the other person and break down everything because you know: the relationship will end and die. So why should I build illusory expectations in them?
Let these relationships just exist at the moment when they should exist. This is an incredible key to success, happiness, and joy within yourself in experiencing partnership with any person.
About partnership and manipulation
I remind you that partnership is not only in business: it’s in family, teams, with friends, children, bosses, subordinates, people around. Such partnership is a real touch, true hearing of each other. On one hand, without expecting something from the other person, on the other hand, without illusion: "First, I will bring something positive because if I do this, something good will happen." It's not a fact that it will be so: if you want to bring something positive in exchange for something, it means you are in a state of manipulation. When you hear this from someone – know that this is pure manipulation, just well-expressed, colored by the spiritual world. It’s like manipulation from the point of view of karmic management, in the very term there is manipulation: "Do a good deed – you will get a good deed. Do a good deed because a good deed needs to be done." Do we have an internal understanding that when we do good deeds, probably good events happen in life? You can think so, but in reality, when you do a good deed, life just happens. When you do so – it is the real, valuable, truthful life, such a sunny, heartfelt one.