— Alexander, today I’d like to raise the topic of your surroundings and how they affect us. In one of your videos, you use the phrase: “Don’t be afraid to step out of the beer-drinking crowd.” I take it that it affects our development. But here’s the question: “How can you step out of that circle when those people are your friends? First, you’re afraid of ending up alone; second, of losing your close people.”
— The topic of surroundings is quite cliché; people talk about it endlessly, especially emphasizing the need to be in some “special” environment — among people who know business or are wealthy. They also say: “Want to look like them? Stay in that circle,” and so on.
The task today is to break this into two directions:
- How your current surroundings affect you — and then to use the mechanisms you’ll learn today throughout your life, laying the foundation and understanding the fundamental influence of space and people on a person.
- Why a person is in a certain circle in the first place — looking at the reasons and consequences of being in a given environment. This will show whether you really have a choice.
I’ve seen plenty of examples where people wanted to change their circle or escape it, only to end up in a “more suitable” environment — and still not get what they wanted. Why does someone usually want to change their surroundings? Because they “want something”… That’s why it’s important to break down these two directions so that, understanding them, you can truly scale up, grow, and use this topic for your fundamental development.
What are surroundings in general? Today we’re talking about people. Obviously, your surroundings and environment also include where you live, the city and time you live in, the home or apartment where you spend a lot of time (not just where you sleep), your workplace, your office. But our task here is to look at your surroundings from the perspective of people.
The question that came up at the start was: “How can you change your circle if these people are friends?” This is one of the fundamental challenges of personal growth — the issue of long-term familiarity with someone. If you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s assumed you owe each other something. Plus, the question arises: “Why swap the tried-and-true for something new?”
I believe that when this is instilled from childhood, it creates many problems. First, it’s important to understand that being around someone for a long time does not keep either of you in the same stage of life. You and the other person might have originally seen each other differently in terms of development (and I’m not talking about IQ, the number of books read, or knowledge — but the development of your whole system). You were on different developmental levels.
Over time, people inevitably change; many aspects of their lives shift. There’s a saying in relationships: “When I married you, you were one person — now you’re completely different” or “I married a different person, and now you’ve changed.” But in reality, people don’t remember who they truly were 10 or 15 years ago — how they felt, their stress threshold, their emotional range, or their state of mind.
In friendships, it often happens that when we say we know someone or have been friends for many years, we have a certain fixed idea of them. But when both we and they change, the question arises: do we still really know each other? I can say that most people I’ve known for a long time don’t know me as I am now. They know fragments of my worldview, pieces of my perception — a small part of me, even though I share a lot publicly. To truly know someone, you have to keep following their journey — and even then, you’ll only get part of the picture. To know more, you need constant interest and attention.
In my surroundings, there are people completely uninterested in my professional activities or my business. Some don’t care about my work with people and their personal growth. I have many different groups, contacts, communities, sessions, and meetings. Some people don’t care what’s going on at home, with my kids, or with my wife. People always know just part of the picture. Even if someone is public and shares personal info, the question is how much you really know about that person — your friend or acquaintance.
Thinking back, I realize that often the zone of interest is limited to what’s related to our direct interaction. Many details about the other person we never knew, especially if the person themselves doesn’t engage in truly understanding others. The point here is: people grow and change. If you don’t know someone in their current state, your “picture” of them will become very outdated over time.
❓ And this brings us to one of the main questions in human relationships: is friendship measured by time?
Recently, something interesting happened to me. A friend of mine from Moscow came to visit. We met about five years ago, but in real life hadn’t spent much time together. We’d traveled to a few countries, met up occasionally — if you add it all up, it’s about 20 meetings of three hours each — roughly 60 hours together. Then he came to stay for three weeks. What’s interesting is that he’s 50 years old and had never stayed that long at someone’s place in his life, despite traveling extensively, meeting many people, and visiting dozens of countries. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed at someone’s place for three weeks either. We spent about 12 hours a day together — about 240 hours in total — while before, we’d only had 60 hours together.
During that time, it wasn’t just hours — it was dense, shared living: everyday routines, conversations about health, work, and personal matters, different activities, shared emotions, and experiences. When someone lives under the same roof with you and you spend enough time together, that’s a dense life. It’s much denser, deeper, and richer than the typical “once-a-week for three hours” meetings, which usually follow the same script: restaurant, movie, park walk, hike, game, or another hobby. You can spend endless time like that, but it’s not truly living together. It’s not the same as having breakfast, lunch, and dinner with someone. That’s an important aspect.
Just three weeks. So, who is closer — the person you’ve known for many years or the one with whom you spent these three weeks in close interaction? With another friend, you might accumulate the same number of hours over three to four years, or in terms of effectiveness — ten years. So who is truly closer?
Our perception of closeness is often built on measuring time, and this creates many problems. A person thinks: “I’ve worked in this position for so many years — I must keep going.” Or: “I’ve invested so much time in this business — I can’t quit.” Or: “We were friends for so many years, so why aren’t we talking now?” Time leaves a big mark, and people start thinking from the perspective of time.
But when we talk about our circle, it’s important to look deeper — at causes and consequences. Why is this person in your life? What do you see in this relationship? What do you want to get from it?
You mentioned earlier the “beer-drinking crowd” example. Most likely, that’s a phrase pulled out of context, because you can see it in different ways.
I often say that your surroundings do, of course, influence you. If I meet every day with people who hang out drinking beer in the evenings, sooner or later I’ll start doing it too. That’s because your environment shapes your habits. And I gave the example: if people drink beer, you’ll start drinking beer. Although in my case, the probability is low — considering I don’t drink. But the question is: will I spend a lot of time where people constantly drink? Not necessarily.
In my life right now, I don’t really have that, but the principle holds true. The space you’re in still affects you. I’ve seen how people, being around me, start eating differently, adopting my behavioral habits, worldview, and choice of places to go. And I, meeting others, pick up certain models, perspectives, and approaches to life. The main question is the one you’re asking: evaluate relationships not by the time spent together but by what’s actually happening in them. Time has weight, but it’s just one parameter.
I’ve had people in my life whom I thought I’d be with for a very long time — but life separated us. I’ve had many different people in my life, and I’m sure there will be many more ahead. From this large circle, there are many I simply wouldn’t remember now — not their names, not even their faces clearly. Yet it once seemed we were very close, almost inseparable. This doesn’t happen only in childhood — it’s the same in adulthood.
I remember as a kid going to Bulgaria, spending a lot of time with someone from the group: several days on the bus, on vacation together, hanging out. At the time, you think: “We’re friends for life.” But then life separates you — and you never see that person again. And it’s not just about trips. There were times we lived in the same building, in neighboring yards, studied in the same or nearby classes. Circumstances change, and later you can’t even remember their name or the details.
That’s why the question of contact with people you’ve known for a long time is not just about counting years. It’s important to understand the essence of the relationship — what it’s for.
— And if we return to the popular saying that we are the average of the five people around us — and you started to touch on this topic… Many people aiming for growth say: “I want to build a business, so I need to surround myself with people who are building businesses.” And all other friends who aren’t into business or self-development, who just work a regular job and live their own lives — you need to stop communicating with them. Should a person who has set a certain goal be in exactly that kind of circle to reach it?
You began by saying something interesting: you should leave everyone else and be only with those in business, for example, and not spend time with the rest.
The thing is, your life isn’t just business. It’s an illusion that if you focus only on business, or only on family, or only on running, or only on relationships — it’s the right path.
That’s singling out one special aspect in life and neutralizing all others. Are you sure that for you it’s only business and nothing else? Or only professional activity and nothing else?
Here, it’s about a person’s ability to be in different modes of communication with different types of people. Can they be around children and elderly people as well? Imagine if someone focuses only on business — they become unbearable, unable to spend time with kids or be around older people (unless the older person is Warren Buffett or Michael Bloomberg). Time with children becomes an obligation, not natural living. The same goes for the elderly — they might pay attention to their grandparents but ignore others outside their interest zone.
I’ve seen many successful people living in Silicon Valley — those who have done great things in tech, very wealthy and accomplished. When someone starts interacting with such people not because they’ve lived a rich life, but solely because of their achievements, this emphasis on success becomes too obvious.
People have a habit of highlighting something: someone’s degree, their 15 war medals, being a Ph.D. or a professor. They “spotlight” people specifically through those achievements and interact only for that interest. This is a problem, because when you surround yourself only with people who meet certain criteria, you limit yourself. Can you really choose in life and say that for me, it’s only professional activity or only business — and nothing else?
Essentially, such a person becomes someone who endlessly filters their relationships, compares people, and ranks them. They stop seeing the human being and start perceiving them as an object with a set of parameters.
Important point: being in the company of businesspeople doesn’t guarantee you’ll become a famous entrepreneur.
I had a partner — a billionaire, a Forbes listee. At one point, he formed a group of people he knew or who’d been in his teams. He met with them a few times a month — weekly or biweekly. It was a mix of training and collaborative work. By year’s end, only two people remained. Why? Because initially the group was packed — people wanted to be there thinking: “If I’m next to a billionaire, I’ll get a billion too.” Or: “If I talk to rich people, they have the right mindset and it will change mine.”
But the real question is: what mindset do these people actually have, and what can you truly gain from it? Maybe they made their money long ago and now have stopped developing, with their financial growth stuck in one direction.
Take Bill Gates. At some point, he said: “I regret not spending more time with my family.” Does that mean that if you interact with him now, it’s no longer the Bill Gates who built companies and made money? Or could that “old” Bill Gates lead you to family problems?
What you get from interacting with someone depends greatly on who they are now. People measure by money, they like to listen to the successful, go to trainings and coaching, see the numbers and achievements. That’s the basis of the modern learning system — unlike the university system where you’re assigned a certain professor. Now people want to choose the professor, to know why they should listen to them, and where they learned everything from.
From society’s perspective, people say: “Be with those who have money.” But the real question is — did they earn it themselves? Inherit it? Or maybe they just had a smart partner and got rich thanks to them? There are plenty of cases where success belongs more to the strong partner than to the individual. Without that partner, it wouldn’t have happened.
So, being in a moneyed space is a very specific and tricky environment for becoming who you want to be. Many factors influence this. Sure, if you constantly meet entrepreneurs and businesspeople, you’ll be in the business world. But it doesn’t mean you’ll make money, succeed, or make the right decisions for yourself. What matters is the right decision — the one that’s right for you.
And let’s be honest — people who have big money don’t want others around them for the money. I know many wealthy people who fear others are only there for that; that every interaction revolves around money.
You can surround yourself with different things and structures to get a desired result. For example, I have a dog — quite beautiful for this region and unique, a Russian Borzoi. In my city and nearby, I haven’t seen another like her: not in Los Altos, Palo Alto, or Mountain View. Maybe in all of Silicon Valley someone has one, but definitely not in my area. When I walk her, every second person compliments her. Every third starts a conversation. She’s an external object that opens the door to meeting anyone. Wherever you are, a dog helps you connect.
If I sit in a trendy café or restaurant with lots of foot traffic, people will approach, greet me, and remember me visually. They’ll form an image of me, and I’ll be able to talk to them — including those with money. But usually, they approach not for me but for the dog.
Honestly, I don’t really care that people are interested in the dog. I didn’t buy her for the attention, right? Of course, it’s pleasant to hear compliments and notice the attention — why not? But contact with these people is completely asynchronous. It only becomes synchronous if we start seriously discussing the dog. Since getting her, I’ve started noticing more dogs myself. Even on Instagram, my family sends me dog reels. I recently forwarded one to a partner, and he said: “You’ve become a dog person.” Maybe we could connect on another topic — but for that, certain circumstances need to come together. And they may or may not happen at all.
And here comes a very important point: is it possible, without being in the circle of entrepreneurs, to make money or start your own business? Is it possible to do that? Yes, of course, it is. Just like people, without being in the circle of artists, became artists, singers, swimmers, programmers, entrepreneurs. You can become anyone. It all depends on your inner calling, your interest. Why you do it or don’t do it.
For example, I lived in Moscow from 2010 to 2021. I never dealt with flowers, although my mom was always passionate about them. We would often meet, talk about flowers, but I wasn’t interested. And yet, in California, I began actively working in the garden. I planted hundreds, maybe even thousands of plants, if you count the bulbs. And when friends or acquaintances come to visit, I involve them in the garden: they end up spending time with me while I’m planting something, buying plants, or watering something. The point is that I was in an environment that, in theory, should have encouraged gardening: my mom’s big house in Minsk, from Moscow it was easy to bring things, to look at things. Here, however, it’s more complicated: hiring a gardener, finding reliable specialists is harder. But still, I dedicate a lot of time to it. Something was born in me — a quality I began to work on, and I’m doing it quite well.
So, can you become an entrepreneur without being in the circle of businesspeople? Without listening to them? You can. Sometimes it’s even better. I know many people who joined business clubs, and things got worse for them. But that doesn’t mean the club was to blame. I also know many for whom the club helped — things got better. Someone says, “Here, our case developed.” Are you sure it happened because of the club? Someone says, “Things got worse for me.” Are you sure it was because of the club? Maybe, on the contrary, the club kept you from falling even further, or maybe it prevented you from growing more. Perhaps you could have grown more if you hadn’t listened to certain people or joined certain groups that spread the wrong ideas. Sometimes you need a completely different opinion and different actions. That’s why this is such an important and deep question.
— What determines whether a person reaches their goals or not? What influences this?
Of course, environment matters — it’s pointless to argue with that. I’m just showing that cause and effect is a complex thing, and it can go either way. You can’t say that a certain environment is fundamentally the right place where everything is decided. Many people fly to Silicon Valley, attend a bunch of events, meet everyone they can, and it leads nowhere. At the same time, someone can have a random meeting that changes everything. Maybe they just moved in next door to someone, or happened to meet them in a coffee shop over a cup of coffee.
There’s a kind of funnel: the more people you sift through, the higher the chance of a result. In many areas, this works.
But there are situations where it’s pointless. For example, if you want to open a coffee shop, you don’t necessarily have to find people in a club who already own one. Though it could be useful to talk to them about business — to learn details specifically from a business perspective. But that doesn’t mean you should copy their lifestyle, personal habits, decision-making style, what kind of family they have, and so on. Very often people look for role models, and that’s a real problem. You can see this even in the comments under popular bloggers’ posts, when people write: “You’re my role model.”
I know many who say: “This person is my role model. They inspire me, I want to be like them.” But the question is: do you really know this person? Do you know how they live? What’s inside them that they don’t share publicly? And would you actually like their life with all its nuances — both happiness and unhappiness? Or are you only choosing certain external aspects — a successful team, business, money, projects? What exactly attracts you to this role model? How do you evaluate it?
Some say: “I like that they have a successful business and a family.” But do you know how they really feel? How they live their life? Because what is a role model? Essentially, it’s the desire to live someone else’s life, not your own. And that’s one of the biggest traps, leading a person into delusion and discouragement. What’s the problem? That you can’t actually do it — it’s an unachievable dream, simply impossible to realize. And there’s a lot of talk around it.
Here the important question is how a person focuses on their goal. Recently, I saw a post saying: “It’s great to dream, and then, when all your hard work fulfills the dream — it feels so good.” But what if it doesn’t? What if you weren’t meant to achieve that particular dream? And that’s perfectly fine. What happens to you then? This idea — first the struggle, then life satisfaction — is very common. That is, now you live not the way you want, then something will happen, you’ll live a little as you wish, and then something else. There must be some “spark” during which you’ll really live. Many argue that the process matters more than the result, and in the end they mix it all up.
— The concept of “work until 35, put in all the effort, and then from 35 never work again” — is that an unworkable approach? Am I understanding correctly?
I think you have to look at the aspirations a person has. Why do they think this way? Is their main goal to stop working? If that’s the goal, then you need to remove the idea that you should work now only so you can stop later. The most important thing is to understand what the person really wants to achieve. Maybe you can stop working without having worked hard in the first place… I’m not saying to do nothing at all. There’s a good joke about this: someone is told to do many things so they can return to resting, and they reply that they’re already resting, so why bother. It’s important to think through this calmly and reasonably.
The main thing here is to understand why you want not to work. Imagine you want not to work — then see what options there are to get there most profitably. Someone will say that if you do that, your family will suffer, someone will say you’ll lose your health. But can that be avoided? Obviously, yes, it can. That’s one side: looking at the question not from the “work now so you can stop later” angle, but from another perspective. And it’s important to consider what happens if the goal isn’t reached, because it might not happen at all. On the other side, you need to clearly define for yourself the criteria for “not working” and why you want it. What does that even mean?
Why would a person want not to work at all? Why do they face circumstances in which they stop working? Take my wife, for example — the last time she worked professionally for money was when she was 27, that’s 15 years ago. She just stopped working then, without setting herself the goal “I have to work now so I can stop later.” She simply stopped. Can you quit your job and never work again? Yes, you can. And you can keep your family and grow it. My wife, for example, in that time gave birth to and raised four children, spends a lot of time on herself, and still doesn’t work. It’s a simple and effective story. How did it happen? Some will say she got a husband and that made it possible, but that’s not necessarily true. Many women, on the contrary, get married and have to work even more. I know many women whose husbands tell them they have to work under any circumstances. Sometimes the man can’t work like that, sometimes the woman is highly accomplished professionally — it’s all different.
Accordingly, meetings with people can indeed have unexpected significance. Sometimes you meet a person who may not understand business at all, but simply with their supportive attitude can strengthen and encourage you. You tell them about your plans, and they say: “You can do it, go for it!” — and that simple support is sometimes more important than all the critics and skeptics around who only point out possible failures.
— And if we look at influence from the perspective of destruction and the current environment? Is it possible to grow while staying among people who smoke, drink, complain, gossip, and for some reason you can’t break ties with them — how does that affect another person’s development?
You’re looking at the aspect when you talk about certain negative things — smoking, drinking, and so on — and your perception of this negativity. That person may not see it as negative at all and may not think it impacts their life. This is an important point, because every time you meet with them, you’re most likely projecting your perception, and that will create a point of internal conflict. The question is about interacting with the person. You highlight: “This one drinks.” Imagine you want to start a business, and there are people who earn a lot but they drink. Will you not meet them? Or why not meet them, since they make money? So even those who have a negative influence, also influence. How so? You believe alcohol is a negative influence, but at the same time these people positively influence your finances. Are you willing to accept that dose of negativity for the sake of money?
This is a major aspect: how you perceive the negative influence of another person. Then you say: “I can’t do anything about it.” But usually there’s little you can do with close ones — with children, parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends. Usually. Of course, there are cases when people leave parents, children, spouses. Different things happen. But in general, it’s hard to do. For some, it’s hard to say “no” even to an acquaintance you’ve known for a long time, or to not adapt to a certain pattern of behavior and interaction with that person.
What impulse causes this? Why do you do it? What do you like, what don’t you like, what’s the plus and minus? I’m not saying the same for everyone: if you’re with people who drink and have a negative influence, don’t spend time with them. I’m not saying that, because there are people who don’t drink but can cause more harm.
There’s another aspect. In my life, I’ve spent a lot of time with people who have a certain life perception structure, and I spent time with them because I’d known them a long time. I could talk to someone for that reason alone, and I paid attention to that. Then — it’s my choice. For example, if someone starts drinking, I can say: “I won’t be around you if you drink alcohol.” That’s my choice. Or not meet with the person at all if they drink — that’s also my choice. Then it’s your right to decide: do you want to be with that person or not, what principles are you willing to compromise, what are you willing to do to make one choice or another.
Note: not because that person is bad. It’s important to remain human and understand that many people are deeply dependent, in a difficult state, and find it hard to make certain decisions. Their life is hard, and they need help in the most basic sense. The question is, from what motive are you making your decision?
And here we come to the most important aspect of the whole meeting.
In relationships, people look for expectations and something specific — that’s number one. Some look for praise from another person, some — recognition, some — money, and spend time with someone precisely because of that. Someone has access somewhere, like to a club, someone has good food at home. Everyone has their reasons. Everyone spends time with someone because they might have good company, good friends, because the person smells nice, or looks good. Many people seek in relationships some specific spectrum of expectations. And here’s the question: how do you stay human with these expectations?
It’s impossible to meet in life without expectations. Some meetings can happen without them, for example, with your mom, dad, or child, maybe even with your husband or wife. But it’s unlikely you can meet with employees, partners, or management without certain expectations — there’s always some aspect of expectation.
💡 How do you stay human with these expectations? Note: it’s easy to tell an employee they should do something — those are your expectations. But with a friend, acquaintance, or random person, you can’t say that, and that’s the problem, because these expectations are not discussed with them.
You meet someone, and during the conversation they realize you’re talking to them because they have beautiful eyes; or you meet because they have a lot of money in their wallet; or because they pay for lunches. Or you talk to them because they’re the ears that listen to you, and you tell them something; or you meet to get a certain insight. You need to understand that behind all this there’s always a reverse reaction. That’s what you really need to understand and try to live sincerely. And that’s not easy.
Imagine you have a toxic relative and next to them — a toxic billionaire with a hundred billion dollars. Would you meet with either of them? I know that 99 out of 100 will choose to meet with the toxic billionaire and cut ties with the toxic relatives. It’s important to see the boundary of your principles. But there are also those who will never meet with a toxic billionaire under any circumstances. For some people, money means nothing at all — they don’t see it as a reason to communicate.
A relative is just another person like anyone else, and you have the right to choose. You decide for yourself what kind of relationships you want to maintain. Of course, there are people with whom you are unlikely to be able to cut ties: for example, your mom or dad. With them, it might be worth trying to work things out somehow. Although there are situations when meeting with parents is unnecessary. There are also cases where you shouldn’t meet with your own children.
I know situations where you shouldn’t meet with close ones: if one of them has committed a serious crime. Someone, for example, could be a murderer. Could they? Yes. Someone could steal during a meeting, for example. Could that happen? Yes. Someone, when meeting, could put your life or your children’s lives at risk. Could that happen? Yes. In such cases, meeting is most likely not worth it. There is always a clear boundary, and it is the same with relatives and with other people. It is your personal choice — to decide whom to deal with and whom not to.
At this point, it’s important to truly sort yourself out: do I understand what’s happening, or am I in a state of unawareness? Some believe that you must always work things out with your parents because of family ties, heredity. But not everything can or should be worked out. Absolutely not everything.