In this article, I dive deep into why relationships often break down, where conflicts come from, and how to work through these nuances in order to build strong and fulfilling connections.
First, it’s important to understand the underlying causes that lead to growing distance between partners. And I don’t just mean when people officially separate. I’m also talking about when couples live together for months or years, yet feel constant dissatisfaction and emotional discomfort.
That moment when you come home from work and feel uneasy. You wake up in the morning, and again—it feels like something is off.
Many people try to fix their relationship by focusing on emotions: how to get rid of a bad mood, how to eliminate negativity. But there are deeper layers
#5. Unrealistic Expectations
One of the most common reasons people give is “unrealistic expectations.” But if we look closer, we see that this concept is incredibly subjective.
What seems excessive to one person may be completely normal to another.
For example, some people believe it’s natural to read to their children every night. Others expect fresh flowers brought home without being asked. But for someone else, those things may feel strange—or even impossible.
The real issue is that people often don’t articulate their expectations—neither to themselves nor to each other. Sometimes, someone doesn’t even know what they expect until years later, when they suddenly realize they want something entirely different.
How can you plan for that in advance? Life changes. People change. New passions appear. New jobs, relocations. One person wants a public, social lifestyle; the other dreams of a quiet, private life. If the couple never discusses what they want now, at this stage of life, conflict becomes almost inevitable.
#4. Control and Jealousy
Another major relationship killer is the desire to possess the other person.
This can show up as excessive control or constant jealousy. Jealousy, at its core, often comes down to this: “They’re doing something with someone else that they don’t do with me.”
For instance, maybe the wife goes to the gym with a friend but never with her husband. Or the husband opens up emotionally to another woman but not to his wife.
The resulting pain sounds like: “Why can they do that with someone else—but not with me?”
This isn’t just about the fear of cheating—it’s about being left out.
It can show up in two forms:
- Comparison with a third person — “Am I not enough?”
- Comparison with the partner — “Why does he get to do that, and I don’t?”
Sometimes, this anxiety is stirred up by “well-meaning advisors”—friends, relatives, or even casual acquaintances who plant the idea: “They’re definitely cheating on you.” Or: “They’re spending way too much time somewhere else.”
So before blaming your partner, it’s worth asking: What’s really triggering this feeling?
Is it something inside you—insecurities, fears, past traumas—or something external, like a real situation or someone else’s words?
Some people have a controlling nature: “We should do everything together. We can’t have separate hobbies.”
But what if one partner values their independence and doesn’t understand why being in a relationship means giving up everything they love?
If one person treats the other like a possession, things will eventually crack.
Sometimes people simply can’t accept the idea of freedom in a relationship—and those relationships are often doomed, because no one can live under pressure forever.
#3. Imbalance Between Giving and Taking
Another common source of conflict: “I give everything, and they only take.”
People start keeping score—money, time, attention, emotional effort.
But here’s the trap: how do you measure the contribution of a woman who raises the kids, versus a man who brings home the income? Or vice versa?
Try signing a contract that outlines the “market value” of childcare, cooking, and emotional labor, versus working outside the home.
Who gave more?
When we start tallying contributions, it almost always leads to a dead end.
Maybe early in the relationship, there was an unspoken agreement: “He’ll provide financially, and she’ll create warmth and comfort.”
But people change. So do circumstances. If those original agreements were never clearly stated—or have become outdated—resentment starts to grow.
The real question becomes: Can I live without constantly counting what each of us is giving? Could it be that love isn’t about accounting?
If one partner constantly feels like they’re giving more, they need to take an honest look at how they’re measuring value—and talk about it.
Also, they should reflect on why they entered the relationship to begin with.
Was it love? A shared vision? Mutual support? Or was it transactional—“He’ll take care of me, and I’ll do something in return”?
Because if it’s all about exchange, at some point the question will inevitably arise:
“Am I still getting what I was promised?”
Some people will never be able to accept their partner’s freedom. Others refuse to adapt, clinging to old habits and ways of life.
In those cases, relationships either turn into constant battles—or end altogether.
But in most cases, the first step is simply to identify what’s actually triggering the frustration. Understand why your expectations are so high. Where jealousy is really coming from. Why you’re obsessed with keeping score. Only then can you have a real conversation with your partner and ask: Are we willing to understand each other? Are we even willing to listen?
#2. “I’m Growing, and My Partner Isn’t”
Especially after 30, 35, 40 years old, I often hear the same thing:
“I married the wrong person.”
Or: “She’s not the woman I fell in love with.”
People justify it by saying their partner changed.
They’ve become someone else. Their values shifted. Their outlook on life changed.
And that seems like enough to justify walking away.
Sometimes one partner says:
“I’ve grown. You haven’t.”
But that often comes from ego.
It’s important to remember: People change. We can’t lock ourselves into a static version of who we are and live in it for 5, 10, 30 years. You’re already different after a year. After five? Even more so.
People sometimes ask me: “You’re into spiritual practices. Your wife isn’t. You run businesses. She doesn’t. How do you stay connected?”
Well, she doesn’t make money like I do. She doesn’t manage deals or lead companies.
So what? If I paint and she rides horses, does that mean we’ve “grown apart” and should split?
We need to accept that we’re fundamentally different. She’s a woman. I’m a man.
Different interests don’t mean the relationship is over.
Here’s the myth: “We broke up because we changed.”
That’s not a real reason.
Change alone isn’t the problem. The question is,what’s behind that change? What’s actually being said? And—are you being honest with yourself?
Sure, if someone decides to move to a monastery for 30 years—that’s a real shift.
But even then, some partners will say, “I’ll wait for you.” Others will say, “You’ve left me behind.”
Reactions vary. Perspectives vary. Change can be a reason for separation—but it doesn’t have to be. What matters is the depth behind it.
What to Do When Your Partner Is Changing
If you feel your partner is growing in ways you don’t understand…
If they’re pulling away, if your conversations no longer click, your lifestyles don’t align—what can you do?
The only thing you cantruly
- Your expectations
- Your emotions
- Your internal states
- Your understanding of the roots of your reactions
- Your ability to accept that your partner has a right to feel differently
They have the right to not like something.
And so do you.
The relationship between a man and a woman is an incredibly complex system. And it can’t be reduced to two phrases: “He changed” or “She became someone else.”
#1. Life Events That Transform Relationships
People change. But so does life.
Having a child. Moving to a new country. Changing careers. Starting a business.
One partner starts making money. The other finds fulfillment in a new path.
New friends come into the picture. The rhythm of life shifts—and the entire dynamic between partners begins to restructure.
These changes often trigger deep conflict—sometimes serious enough to break the relationship.
Can You Prepare for These Transitions?
Yes, you can. There are two levels of response:
- Deep work on the relationship itself — everything we’ve talked about so far.
- Having important conversations before the changes happen.
For example, when my wife Polina and I moved from Moscow to the U.S., we discussed a lot in advance:
- That we wouldn’t obsess over the school system for our kids
- That we’d talk about finances and how we’d adapt
- That we’d consider how the move might affect each of us individually
We talked about the risks. I tried to lay it all out.We even discussed how our social circles might change. And that helped us move through it without a crisis.
Or in 2010, when I was offered a leadership role at “Megaplan,” it was a huge professional opportunity. But Polina didn’t want to relocate.
I told her: “If I don’t take this chance, it will create even more problems in our family.”
I flew to Minsk every week. I did my best to help her understand why this mattered.
Eventually, she said: “My home is in Moscow.”
It didn’t happen overnight—but we lived through it together.
If we hadn’t discussed it—it could’ve torn us apart.
It’s not the changes themselves.
Not the move. Not the baby. Not one partner’s growth. It’s the inability to process those changes. The refusal to talk ahead of time. The lack of inner work.
Awareness is the first step to stop drowning in confusion and start having real conversations. When you understand what’s really behind your hurt, jealousy, and conflict—you give your relationship the chance to become far more genuine, peaceful, and free.