I always say that every person is capable of scaling up tens and even hundreds of times. Because real scaling is not some parameter, it’s not the amount of money in the account, not an exam score, and not the number of diplomas. Even simply understanding what real scaling is already a step toward scaling and moving forward.
The main story is that a person usually wants to be someone else in order to appear better. For example, a person works as a taxi driver and says: “I’m not really a taxi driver, I have a business.” This is common: “I’m not a taxi driver, I have a startup.” Or he tries to appear different, to speak differently. First and foremost, he wants to appear better.
But it’s important to notice this: if a person drives a taxi and says he’s not a taxi driver but has a business, then for a large number of people, at that very moment, he will start to seem not better, but worse. And many don’t understand this. A person thinks he is becoming better but looks the opposite. And when he tries not to be himself, it’s not just an attempt to appear better — it’s losing himself. And as soon as a person stops being who he really is, he has lost for two reasons:
- He stopped developing: a person who does not live his own life is defeated from the start, and strong suffering awaits him.
- He set the goal of appearing better, but in reality, other people will still think something else about him, and it will not match his expectations.
— How can I understand who I am if it feels like I’ve been playing a role my whole life?
— If you are asking yourself such a question, it already means that you are constantly playing a role in front of other people, trying to appear better so that they think better of you. And when you ask: “How can I understand who I really am?” — that is a different task.
You first need to stop manipulating other people and stop trying to appear as someone else. When you say “how to understand who I am,” you are once again trying to avoid yourself. You are saying: “I am a person who manipulates, I want to be better or I want to be someone else, I don’t want them to find out who I really am.” And then you add: “Well, how do I stop doing this if I don’t know who I am?” And here is the mistake: by setting the task “I don’t know who I am,” you are once again creating an illusion. As if your model of behavior is not you.
You don’t need to tell anyone who you are. Every person will still have their own idea of you. Someone will form it based on your appearance, your style, the structure of your face, your manner of speaking or moving. Someone else will judge by your skills and professional qualities. Others by heredity or karmic experience. Others by your model of behavior toward other people. Everyone will have their own picture. And people, knowing this, start to manipulate.
Here’s an example. Last week I was in Las Vegas. I walked up to the elevator and waited. Two men and a woman walked up behind me. The men looked in such a way that many people would have walked around them. I stood calmly, and I always notice who lets whom go first (I let people go automatically, many don’t even notice this).
The doors opened, and one man turned to me and said: “Please, go ahead, you were here first.” And in that moment he broke the image I had already begun to form about him from his appearance. It felt like he had read my mind. I wasn’t thinking badly of him, but visually there was still a certain image, a little gangster-like, and suddenly he spoke respectfully.
And then it got even more interesting. When I went in, a woman about fifty, very stately, turned to me and said: “Excuse me, please.” The three of them went silent, though they had been actively talking before. It was as if they wanted to show respect and maybe adjust their behavior. I replied: “Oh no, absolutely no problem.” Then we left the elevator together, and they walked calmly on.
There are other situations too. For example, in communities where everyone holds the door for each other. In Los Altos, there’s a grandmother, nearly 80, who often drinks coffee in the same café as me, and she held the door open for me. With a cup in hand, I barely held the door but insisted she go first. Although it would have been completely normal if I had gone through, I still let her go. Or recently a man said to me: “I insist you go first.” These are interesting moments. They show that people form opinions of others by different criteria.
When we film videos in public places, some may think: “He must be a famous person.” Others: “They’re making noise, disturbing people.” Others: “Disrespectful, disturbing the peace.” Some wonder what language we’re speaking. Some notice the clothes. Some don’t notice anything at all. Everyone has their own perception. We think people are remembering and analyzing, but often they don’t pay attention at all.
This is also an important topic in my communication with my wife. We live in an environment where everything is about technology, money, career, but she’s absolutely not interested in that. At gatherings, she creates a completely different impression than expected. People expect one thing, but she acts differently, and in the end, their conclusions about her are completely different.
So when a person asks: “What should I do if I’m always trying to appear different?” — at some point, he realizes: “I don’t even know myself.” The more he plays in front of others, the less he knows himself. And yet the main task of a person is to learn about themselves, to understand their cause-and-effect connections. That’s what opens their eyes.
But you cannot rush this. First, you need to stop building illusions for others. That’s the first step. And the task of knowing yourself is separate and huge. It will take your whole life. It’s not a matter of one minute. But you definitely need to stop manipulating other people.
A simple exercise
There’s a simple exercise I’ve mentioned more than once. It can be practiced for a lifetime.
Every evening, set aside 5 minutes to reflect: how did you treat other people today? From the heart, with joy, with respect, without manipulation? Or did you treat them in a way to get something from them, to use them, to profit?
If you want to change someone’s opinion of you — it means you want to use them. That’s important. You don’t just want to appear different — you want to get something from another person.