Why do we miss the chances of growth and not notice it?

#spirituality #selfdevelopment #personaltransformation

How to Stop Proving Something

You miss out on a huge number of opportunities when interacting with new people. I’ll bring up a pretty tough topic: how you don’t notice and miss strong new people who show up at work, in business, friends of owners or directors, or your partners, because you feel the urge to prove that you're just as strong as they are.

People write really negative comments under different videos – why? They want to show that they and their thoughts matter, that they are stronger than the person who, for example, made the video. Every time they do this, they miss a huge number of opportunities, new connections, and strong insights they could receive. Today we’ll definitely dive into this, but let’s start with a small topic…

Why Do We Only Realize the Value of People When They Leave Our Lives?

…An interesting thing: while being in a certain place, you might not think too highly of your partner or your bosses, but the moment you remove some barrier zone (like the need to protect your authority at work, or removing a certain job or project), suddenly you can cross into a zone of communication and revealing each other, and you can really see each other for who you are.

One of the biggest problems is this: we only start seeing and feeling each other when we lose that person. Many people realize how good someone was – their girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, children, or parents – only at the last meeting, after death, or after they part ways. And during the relationship, they try to deepen it. Many are afraid to do so, thinking it will lead to pain when they separate.

But the thing is, if we get to know each other more and communicate more openly, the separation won’t be painful. It's amazing: people think that getting closer will make the breakup more painful.

True closeness is about having no expectations, not wanting to hold the other person hostage and make them your servant; it’s independence from each other, and that’s what makes you free. Not only do you develop each other, grow together, but you’re also free from each other when it comes to separation. You part ways peacefully. And even things as hard as death are experienced calmly. When we fear that someone close to us might die, we need to get even closer. But not in the sense of spending more time together, rather interacting with them as a human: when I start living with someone without expectations, illusions; when I start interacting with them not from the perspective of “someone owes something,” not from roles, but as one human being to another.

How Our Ego Stops Us from Seeing Opportunities Around Us

– Remember, we talked about what kind of people watch content, what they perceive, and how much they understand being with someone together? I’ve got an interesting topic: there are people who subscribe and listen to me; those who study with me in group V100; people with whom I do business and partnerships; those who buy my services as an advisor, and there are big companies where the owner wants me to get involved with certain managers. He directs me to specific people within.

It’s really interesting to notice: who do you think these managers are who are interested in interacting with me? I’ve noticed that it has nothing to do with work experience or earnings. In theory, the younger you are, the more interested you should be. But no! Of course, there are people who never miss meetings, respect the schedule, adapt completely to any time. A specific example: when setting a meeting with me, the owner’s secretary from one company always asked me about my movements, whether it was convenient for me, and tried to accommodate me. The owner adapts to me, and I adapt to him, meaning we sync. But there are people who might not show up for a meeting, not prepare documents, not do a bunch of stuff, and they don’t initiate the meeting. A person in the teacher-student relationship doesn’t want to see themselves as a student. Moreover, they immediately switch to “you” in conversation.

Switching to "You"

The story of how people instantly switch to “you” is very telling. In English, you can't ask, “Can I call you ‘you’ or ‘sir’?” But in Russian, there’s that possibility – to show your culture, values, and some sort of direction. I’m always in the state where I need to address someone as “sir” for a certain range of time, and then I’m ready to switch to “you” in different circumstances. There are people I’ve known for years and never switched to “you” and never will. The theme “let’s go straight to ‘you’” is really common. A friend once told me, “Just tell them you don’t want to switch to ‘you,’ and that’s it.” It still stumps me, and I agree.

– A few days ago, I had a case where I switched to ‘you’ and then felt uncomfortable. I said I’d feel more comfortable with ‘sir,’ we switched back, and everything was fine. The person said that for our work, it’s better to stay formal. He created a situation where I felt uncomfortable.

– Yeah, but you’re a very developed person, you felt it yourself and suggested switching back. I had a recent situation: I came to a meeting, addressed someone as ‘sir,’ but they kept ‘you’-ing me. Yesterday, I had another meeting with some people – the person instantly switched to ‘you,’ but with their bosses, they still use ‘sir.’ There’s a normal switch to ‘you,’ I’m absolutely not against it, but there’s a moment when someone wants to level the playing field. And it’s a very clear feeling that the person doesn’t want to be in the role of a student.

The Role of an Advisor in Project Development

“He didn’t ask for that role. The boss is pushing him to grow more. The person says, ‘I didn’t sign up to grow; I signed up to do this work for this pay.’”

– Not even about growth… Look, in that example I gave, it’s not that someone explicitly said they needed to grow. It’s more like they strategically requested help. Essentially, I’m there to help. This is a very fine line. On one hand, they might say, “Hold on, it’s written in the job contract who’s our boss and who we have to listen to.” But at the same time, it’s a hand-off from the company owner, and it’s totally reasonable in terms of the person having the ability to listen because in this case, it’s the head of the company, and I’m just there to add value. As an advisor, I am merely enhancing what they’re doing because, ultimately, they’re still the ones getting things done.

Interestingly, I’m not there to push for development or non-development. I’m there with a purpose, a specific goal. People come to me with all sorts of requests: “We need to grow 10x,” “We need to solve a conflict situation here,” “We need a sudden, additional boost,” “We need to make a purchase—let’s figure out a strategic approach for that,” “We need to strengthen marketing or sales,” “We need to decide what to do with the team”… And in most cases, when this kind of situation arises and they transfer it to the managers, they may not even realize the strong influence I’m having on the individual. That is, I can express a specific opinion to them about this person, but that person may not want to move in a new direction. I just can’t see myself in that kind of situation. Imagine: I’m working for someone in a company, and that person says to me, “Alex, I have a personal advisor, and I really want them to help you with the project area you’re in.” I would pay for that opportunity. Would you engage with that? I can’t imagine not engaging.

“I would engage because I’m not rigid; I’m curious and engaged myself, and truth matters to me. But people separate things—plus, he has career obligations and there’s an internal power struggle in the company. They’re locked into that. So, there’s an effective company for building results and profits, and then there’s potentially a struggle for power. And here comes a new figure close to the boss, and they just don’t know how to handle it…”

– I’m bringing this to light because it’s truly important in terms of people’s growth. In our lives, we encounter incredible opportunities: they don’t just appear in the form of people but also through various projects, possibilities overall, even small trips somewhere new. We often turn down the chance to travel to a different country, to explore an unfamiliar place, to read a new book, to meet new people, or to watch a particular event or performance. And here, there’s a very clear hierarchy of what I’m describing. If I’m interacting with someone, and they’re my boss, I work with them in synergy as much as possible. Why else would I be there? And if that person says they’ll bring in their advisor—that’s amazing!

My Personal Experience

You know, there’s an interesting story. Back in 2004, when I was younger, I got a job as a programmer at a small French company. It had two owners: an Englishman and a Frenchman. When I started, there were only 7 people working there. By the way, a year later, I was managing about 30 people, and I was handling 15 or 20 projects myself. Even though I initially started as a programmer, I had direct responsibility for all of them. These owners were very open-minded; it was their small business. We spent a lot of time together: we worked together, ate together, traveled together, went to restaurants, and even visited each other’s homes. I visited everyone’s house and knew all their kids. The Englishman had an estate in France where he raised sheep and rode trotters... I was thrilled by it, understanding that they let me into their world. You spend the evenings with them, constantly around these people, and you start discussing things beyond just work. You’re fully engaged.

Later, when I became someone who owns things, manages, and hires people, I noticed this: there are people who are ready to be with you everywhere, at any time, and then there are those who, when you veer slightly off course, make it clear they didn’t sign up for that. But that's such a huge opportunity in life! I’m not saying the person was wrong—definitely not taking away their freedom—but I think people often miss out on a lot.

– I totally agree; they definitely miss out. The thing is, it’s outside their frame of thinking. They probably think their boss and subordinates are jerks, and they’re the smartest one around. Even if the boss or owner changes, they feel like they won’t lose anything. You know, there’s always that “Uncle Vasya” type who holds the keys to the supply room and doesn’t care about anyone.

– Yeah, it’s an interesting point. If that’s happening, it’s not even about the employee, but the boss or the owner. The employee probably sees their boss that way and treats them accordingly.

Every person has the right to act how they want. Recently, I had a situation where I got into a discussion, and 20 minutes into the meeting, I said, “We need to slow down here.” Either this is our last meeting, or we need to transform in a way that suits your development. If you don’t need development, then it’s pointless. Why even meet? It’s like going to a class, sitting through a lecture, and then saying the teacher’s a jerk. Why attend the lecture then? Don’t go; it’s not going to lead to any growth.

I always say there’s growth: positive and negative. It’s an incredibly important topic. There’s growth-growth, and then there’s growth-decline. People assume all growth is positive, but that’s not true. A lot of things lead to decline – you just need to take a broader view.

Where Are You Missing Opportunities for Growth?

The story I just touched on is crucial for everyone to reflect on, to see where you might be missing out and choosing a different path (where someone thinks they’re better because of hierarchies or their ego); where, because of ego, you’re losing out on real growth and scaling up without even realizing it. You’re just losing out because “I don’t really feel like listening to that person today.” Why, and at what point, does that happen? Look at the areas where you’re not noticing things, where you’re missing these opportunities. Where and when do you not see them?

I’ll give you a direction to move in, because this can feel overwhelming and maybe even a bit depressing when you realize what you’ve missed. It doesn’t matter what you’ve missed, and it doesn’t even matter what you’re missing right now. The first step is to start observing it, paying attention. Just observe, even if you’re missing out, even if you think someone isn’t that great, even if you don’t respect your boss or partner. At least start noticing it. Put it into a state of observation, and from there, it will naturally move into a state of questioning.