There is a state when a person falls into complete emptiness and tells themselves: “I don’t need anything at all, I’ll just somehow exist somewhere.” In reality, it’s as if they are trying to put life on pause. But life cannot be paused: the river keeps flowing anyway.
What does it mean to “press pause”? It means — you will still hit rocks, get caught in avalanches, collide with circumstances. Death may even come. But at the same time, you won’t feel yourself, you won’t feel life.
And so, the state of indifference is extremely dangerous. It creates new cause-and-effect connections that destroy the whole structure of life. That’s how a huge number of people live for decades. An automatic, endlessly mechanical life.
There is another option — an exalted race: “I live consciously, I have a goal, in 30 years I will achieve it — and there will be joy.” But these are endless races. One fails — another begins. And so it goes on forever. This is reflection on things that will never come true.
Why is apathy dangerous?
It destroys not only the inner world but also health, the psyche, the body. It causes deep trauma.
When a person tells themselves: “Let it be as it will be,” they think it’s harmless. But in reality, it’s the same as turning on a gas stove and lighting only part of the burners: the probability of disaster is enormous.
It’s important to distinguish two states:
- life “as it will be” without awareness — destructive;
- life “as it will be” with full awareness — another, healthy state. In it, you can live calmly and even without goals.
— What happens when a person in apathy tries to revive themselves with new grand goals?
— First it’s important to understand what grand goals are and where they come from.
A grand goal is always ego-motivated. It’s the desire for superiority: over yourself, your parents, close ones — doesn’t matter over whom. If you set such a goal, you must honestly ask: what happens if it doesn’t come true?
Most people don’t even allow this thought. They are sure: “It will definitely come true.” But that’s a mistake. The grander the goal, the less likely it is to be achieved. The statistics are simple: 7–9 out of 10 such goals don’t come true.
And here’s what happens. A person moves toward a goal, but inside they doubt all the time: will it work or not? Their psychophysics knows that most likely it won’t. Therefore, the entire path turns into constant worry. And this is a loss of time, energy, emotions, health, relationships, and perception of life itself. Many by the end feel exhausted. Although they could have lived an interesting life and achieved half of what was planned. But because of the illusion of “mandatory success,” half feels like failure.
Look at the stories of great people. For example, Bill Gates. I respect him. But when in his maturity he says: “I should have worked less, spent more time with children, rested more,” a question arises. Then why, 15–20 years ago, did he write books about how to manage companies, how to grow and achieve? Why did millions of people listen to him then? If now he admits: life was lived with violations, the main thing was missed.
The point is not even that he lost time with his children. The point is that he lost time with himself. He didn’t feel life. And this is the fundamental problem — the absence of presence in the moment.
— Most often we set ourselves goals like: “When I have income,” “I’ll make a deal,” “I’ll move to another country” — and think this will bring joy.
— If a person doesn’t understand the true cause of their goal, they will make mistakes in the methods of achieving it. For example, they want to earn money to prove to their parents that they are successful. They think the goal is money. But the real goal is recognition. Then all the decisions will be false: they will make mistakes in business, in partnerships, in strategy.
It’s like when one partner builds a business to sell it in 10 years, and another — to get a salary every month. The vectors don’t align. Such a business is doomed.
That’s why it’s important to honestly realize the true reason for a goal. Even if the goal seems “wrong,” it’s better to admit it directly. Then at least the methods will be adequate.
We discussed the topic of projects from the point of view of venture capital in IT. I said that if, for example, people in Russia receive venture investments, most often they cannot really earn on this money. At most — they pay themselves a small salary. In Silicon Valley, they once decided: so that startup founders wouldn’t live in constant stress and could focus on the business, they allowed them to pay themselves certain amounts. These are sums of about 150–250 thousand dollars a year. But it’s important to understand: this is not income as a goal, but just support, so as not to worry about basic existence.
Venture money is not given for salary. Their purpose is company growth and return to investors by 20, 40, 50, even 100 times. But many perceive venture investments as a way to arrange themselves a stable salary. They say: “Well, it’s temporary, I just need money.” But in fact, this becomes their main source of income. I know a huge number of people who burned out on this. Their business collapsed because the structure was distorted: instead of building a company for a big goal, they used venture money as personal earnings. And in the end, they lost.
— How to bring back drive and joy of life without abruptly quitting everything?
— First of all, it is necessary to realize that the feeling of drive and joy of life is very often not connected with any changes you come up with in the material world. For example: change jobs, change business, open or close your own business, leave employment for your own business or vice versa, marry, divorce, have children.
It is very important to realize and tell yourself: the state of inner happiness and joy is not directly connected with any of these events. It is not connected at all with material circumstances. This is the first thing a person must realize for themselves.
It’s important to pay attention: this is a fact, but not all people will be able to live a joyful life. A huge number of people will never experience a true feeling of joy. Many will have mixed states. It is impossible for a person to be only in joy, only in sadness, only in good, or only in evil. All components of emotional states are present in each of us. The question is only which one manifests stronger at the moment. Today a person feels good, 10 minutes later — bad. And so constantly, like inner swings.
The majority of people will not move into a state of carefree, happy, and joyful life. Why did I emphasize this? To point out: it’s important to observe what is the cause of joy and what is the cause of the state of happiness.
The very fact that a person asks this question is already the key to approaching a state of happiness and a harmonious life. This is the strongest trump card: to admit that joy has no direct connection with material events. And to put this question into a state of constant observation: what actually is the cause of joy? What is the true cause of happiness? What gives the state of inner silence?
When a person is in a state of complete loss, just asking such a question already helps to get out of it. If at least for a week they keep their attention in this direction, the person begins to pull themselves out of loss. In another way, it is impossible to get out.
— If a person is in such a state, should they stop setting themselves illusory goals?
— The person is not just confused, they don’t understand what’s really important here. They are in a state of losing the meaning of life, inventing new goals, setting illusory tasks. Every day they say: “I’ll pull myself together, everything will work out for me,” but in reality it all turns into Groundhog Day — endless, empty, “mouse fuss.” This is constant mechanical action without result.
№ 1: realize that joy depends on something else.
№ 2: stop searching for joy.
It is very hard to do. Joy and happiness can only be found by giving up the search, by giving up the desire to achieve, by giving up the pursuit of it. Why give up? At least put it into observation. You may not agree with me, but try to think about it.
If we understand that a huge number of people can never be in a state of joy and most likely will never experience it, then there is always a chance that you will end up in such a situation. And if you don’t give up this race for joy, you move toward a goal that is doomed to fail from the start. This is a path to self-destruction. Therefore, the very act of setting yourself the task — to give up the desire for joy and success — removes the entire problem.
Imagine, you say: “I am in a cornered state, I don’t understand when I’ll achieve success and joy.” I answer: “Give up this state altogether.” You give it up and ask: “So, the problem is gone?” — “Yes, gone.” Of course, it sounds abstract, but the problem is not there. The problem exists only when we agree to stay in it.
I’ll give an example. From time to time, I worry about earning money. I think about it, I work on it. But my wife, since 2009 — 16 years have passed — doesn’t worry at all about earning money. She may care about whether it’s enough or not, a lot or little, how it’s spent. But where to earn it — never. For her, such a problem simply doesn’t exist. For me it does, for her it doesn’t. This is very important.
We can think whatever we want, but in fact she doesn’t have this problem. And not because she has a husband who earns. I know many women whose husbands earn a thousand times more than me, and they still worry about it. And my wife doesn’t.
The absence of such worry is a great blessing. Because it is one of the greatest human sufferings: a huge number of people suffer from it. And she does not. She meets many of my acquaintances, talks to women from companies, and when they start telling her how to earn, she looks at them and thinks: “What are you even talking about?”
— So, two important points. First: put it into observation. Second: say: “Such a difficult goal, this constantly bothers me…”
— Don’t refuse it. I suggest starting to observe: make this task an object of reflection.
Write in a notebook: “Joy is not connected with events. I must observe where it arises from.”
Simple practices also help. For example, every day notice how you treat people: manipulate, use, get angry, or help. Just record it, without judgment.
It seems simple, but almost no one can do it consistently. And it is exactly this that brings you back to life.
As life shows, setting such an observation is very difficult. It seems simple: “I’ll observe, I’ll listen to all people.” But a day goes by, and in the evening you think: “Who did I listen to today at all?” No one. I only listened to my ego.
The important thing is to start observing.