A new perspective on relationships that will scale you up 1000 times.

— How do you know it’s time to leave a relationship—one that’s toxic or abusive? Are there signs, indicators that it’s really time to make that decision?

— When we’re unpacking long-term relationships—especially marriage—I always speak frankly. For me, this topic is sacred. I always say that, in this area, it’s crucial to be extremely careful—not me in what I say, but the person who wants to make a decision. Some people act impulsively and spontaneously, so in any situation it’s important to allow time for reflection and lived experience, which we’ll talk about today; to give yourself the chance to approach those realizations and experiences.

Since our discussion is serious, I want to start with this: why did people come together in the first place? In most cases, people have a strong reason that lies beyond this life. In other words, it’s not just because they went to school together or met at some party—the story of why two people are in a marriage is much more fundamental.

I know for certain that I’m in a marriage with my wife because the reasons for it lie beyond this life. You can feel it, know it, or at least tune yourself to that perception. When I know this, every time, any decision I make is based on the reason we are together. That will be the foundation. Not because we “have a marriage,” but because we came together and stay together for deeper, spiritual reasons.

An example: you meet someone and talk for a week, but in reality you’ve known them over dozens of years in other lives. You might think, “I find this person uninteresting” or “interesting; should I keep talking to them or not?” You can ask yourself those questions, stay in that line of reasoning, but in reality your relationship is already very deep. If people knew that, they would treat each other completely differently—treat the difficulties that arise in the relationship, the different aspects, differently.

If we say every relationship has a reason people came together, then there is a reason people part. In physical astrology they’ll say: “This person won’t have just one marriage,” or “This person will have three marriages,” or “This person’s marriage will end,” or “This person won’t have a husband or wife,” or “This person will have one marriage for life.” And we also understand perfectly well that a relationship can last a lifetime in which people suffer endlessly—and a relationship can last ten years in which people live in full joy and harmony.

In any relationship it’s very important to understand: it will end. Our relationship as brother and sister will end when one of us dies. I’m not even talking about the fact that we might be seeing each other for the last time in our lives for unknown reasons. When people live in marriage, they don’t really realize this: a person doesn’t realize that life is set up this way. They don’t realize their life will end; they don’t take it seriously. I’ve seen a huge number of people who came to me and said: “Alexander, we really don’t realize that life is finite. You talk about it, and then in the process of reflection you understand: I don’t live by this, I don’t get it, I’m not in it.”

From the perspective of marriage, when we approach making a decision, it’s important to perceive that any relationship will end. That gives you a strong, healthy position. Together with the understanding that there is a reason why people came together, and that any relationship will end—this allows a person to come into a state where, at the right moment, they can make the right decision. After all, the question is: “How do I make the true, right decision?” Then immediately arises the ****next question: “And what is a true and right decision?” Who said something is true or right?

Before we move on to the question of truth, I want to ask: “Is it possible that there is a relationship without manipulation, harmonious, where people live in love for each other, but their relationship should still end?”

— It’s possible. I allow that anything can be.

— People can have a path where they need to part. Overall, that situation can exist. This is a very nuanced question, yes? People in a good relationship, living in love for each other, can make a decision to separate. When you understand that, questions may arise: “Do I really not need to make the decision to part or stay because the other person manipulates me? Or they’re an alcoholic? Or they hit me? Or they’re an abuser? A criminal? Do I really not need to make the decision to separate from another person from a position where the negative aspects don’t exist?” You understand what I mean?

— We always link breaking up only with the idea that the relationship was bad, as if they can’t be good if we make the decision to end them by our own will, and not due to life’s circumstances.

— There are people who, if someone gets fired or someone stops talking to them, speak negatively about them. I’ve fired thousands of people in my life. You fire someone, or someone resigns, and you should be able to say: “That was a great person!” There are many people who want to find negativity in that, a problem. This is a very subtle point; I’d even suggest it’s a fairly complex article to read.

Periodically I stopped talking with certain people, and someone would ask me: “What happened? Did you quarrel?” It’s hard to accept that you parted with a person who sincerely loved you and perhaps still loves you, and whom you loved and still love. And you parted not because of a problem, but because of love. It’s simply a confluence of circumstances; that can happen.

— I think that’s quite hard to acknowledge, especially in relationships between a man and a woman.

— This is the base that must be the starting point for any analysis of relationships. If you don’t have such a base, then a huge number of mistakes will be made in decision-making. In other words, there must be a very calm base, because you can part not only because of negative aspects. You can part because different situations occurred.

— Of course, a person can move, change their environment, interests, health—anything at all.

— That’s №1. The next very important block in analyzing relationships is understanding that every person is always developing.

If you pay attention to the huge number of conflicts people have, they often say: “You used to be A, now you’re C, and that’s why we have a problem.” For example, a woman says to a man that he used to be one person and now he’s another. People tie this to different things: the person took some course or program, got a new job, a new circle of contacts, didn’t drink—started drinking, ate—stopped eating, wore yellow—started wearing black, and so on. Different things.

At the same time, the person who says this doesn’t define for themselves that they, too, have changed. Moreover, here’s an interesting thing: when you think the other person has changed, in reality it’s you who changed. It’s just your perception of the person that has changed. When you, for example, changed your perception toward love for people, or toward manipulation. You start talking to people and you think: “Wait, have you always been like this, or did you change?”

It’s very hard for a person to remember their past. If I ask you: “Anya, how did you feel at 18?”—you will reflect a certain memory that has already been transformed by different perceptions over the years, from 18 to your current age. That is, you formed a certain stance, and to remember your true state is actually not easy.

When we ask the question—part or stay?—we need to understand that people all change. When you realize that, it allows you to look at the picture a little wider and understand what’s happening in our relationship; why there was a situation in which we came together, loved each other incredibly, were in a state of joy, happiness, harmony, euphoria, love—and then you find yourself looking at the person and not understanding what’s happening; there’s no reaction. What happened? How can that be? Directing attention toward yourself in terms of development—toward the other person, and reflecting—allows you to gain a new, healthy focus.

It’s important to proceed step by step. №1: there is a reason you are together, with the understanding that your relationship can end at any moment. №2: both people are developing.

— I’ll clarify. If we understand this and consciously relate to the blocks we’ve unpacked, we understand that this relationship is over or should be ended, but there is a big fear of being alone? Or there’s constant worry about what comes next, doubts in the face of the unknown. How do you handle that and work through it?

— That’s precisely block №3. Why did I start with the reason for the relationship? One of the problems is that a person is afraid of making a mistake, and we talked about it and said we’d come back to it. What is a true action? How do I make a decision in terms of a true action? Many girls have come to me for advice: “If I break up now, will I have a new relationship or not? Am I doing the right thing in terms of breaking up, or is this my emotional outburst, a crisis? I’m having some specific inner experience, but in reality this person is the most meant for me.”

Here’s one of the important points: a person will proceed not from their own desire, but from a true understanding of what’s right for the other person. I understand that may sound complicated, because people want happiness when they separate; they want happiness for themselves, right?

— And overall, when a person starts thinking about this, they usually think about themselves, not that they need to break off the relationship for the sake of the other person.

— Yes, there are people who think sincerely about the other person; I’ve met such people. We started with the fact that it’s possible when two people are in that understanding. One person may also understand that for the other—being together is not the way. Even if the person might be comfortable with it, for the other—it’s not their life. They’re not living what’s theirs; they’re suffering; they don’t like something; they’re constantly in vulnerability, in unclear states. And here’s the situation: can I change myself somehow to be with this person, or is it impossible and the person should go their own way?

When I say “don’t think about yourself,” I don’t mean think only about the other person; it means stepping away from your own persona and thinking truthfully. I’m not saying you should think only about the other person—you should think about yourself equally—but think about it truthfully: what is the real, right movement? There is no single combination of tips, no checklist. Living this sequence, staying with it, allows you to move forward incredibly.

Of course, I can offer another solution: start talking to the other person about this. We discussed a block with you, and I direct attention from the perspective of my family because it doesn’t matter—whether you want to break up or not, you’re looking for your person, you live harmoniously or not—you must remain aware of these things. That will allow you to always make the right decisions for yourself.

People come to me for business advice, and someone says: “Sasha, thank you so much, you helped a lot.” Something good happens for the person—and they disappear. People come with some problem, resolve it, and disappear. People want to solve problems, not engage with their life and their own development.

— I just thought that breaking off or preserving a relationship is always the living of life; as if it’s not a final result, but a process. It’s truly living—how you live this life with another person.

— …and how you generally live even your current state each day.

I often give this advice at work when someone wants to quit: take the next three months—and set yourself the task of coming to work from a state of joy, even if you’re leaving. Wait in joy. Can you imagine how important it is to make all these decisions while in a state of joy?

I am by no means talking about manipulative, abusive relationships (beating, violence), but in most life situations there is an opportunity to live this in a state of joy and with respect for the other person.

There is the notion of “transmitting love.” There’s an interesting aspect of love’s attention. Imagine I loved a person, lived with them for 20 years, and I have love for that person. Does that mean I experience true human love that exists for other people?

— If it exists for other people, then it exists for them. And if it doesn’t exist for other people, then it doesn’t exist for them either.

— That’s a good professional answer, of course. There are also some combinations: for some person a little less, for another a little more. But what important thing did we see with you? It turns out there is love in terms of man and woman and marriage, and there is love of a person for a person. Therefore, there are women and men whom I sincerely love. But these aren’t carnal relationships, not the relationships of man and woman—this is pure love.

We’ve often talked about how great it is to say kind words of love: a man to a man, a woman to a woman, and so on. And to treat it calmly. If I say to another woman: “I love you,” then it turns out my wife should protest, and I answer: “I don’t love her by that checkbox, I love her by another.” — “Oh, love whoever you want by your spiritual checkbox, but love me especially.”

If you are with a person and you feel there are no inner personal relations—those have gone; there are no man–woman relations in terms of living together—live this period of realization in a state of love for them as another human being. Try to transmit that, stay in it together. I guarantee that if a person stays and lives through this period with the understanding of what we’ve discussed, and constantly, while meeting them, says: “Okay, I still remain with them in love.”

We recently talked with someone, you and I, and I told you: “Anya, today you are talking to this person while in a state of love—no matter what you think, you’re forgetting that.”

— When you transmit like that, the decision—break up or preserve—will come on its own.

— Bingo! Life will definitely put everything in its place. Big love to everyone!