How to forgive a person and let go of resentment: why it doesn't work

Why is it very difficult for some people to forgive, and for others to ask for forgiveness? What kind of situation is this?

A person is always guided by their own internal perception in a specific situation. For example, you have a friend or a close acquaintance, and you think: “Why doesn’t he ask you for forgiveness?” Or there is a relative, and you cannot go to them and ask for forgiveness. Perhaps you would like to do it, but you have a feeling that nothing will change, and so on. An endless chain of different states arises.

An interesting aspect:

• on one hand, it is difficult to ask for forgiveness,
• on the other hand, it is difficult to forgive.

And there is also the factor of disbelief in the result: what will happen if this action is taken? Why do people approach the topic of forgiveness, what does it mean to them?

I often say that a person asks for forgiveness from ego, and forgives also from ego.

One can recall a huge number of situations. In the business environment, this is especially common. People went to some coaching or training where they were told that it is important to forgive past partners so that money will come, or to ask for forgiveness so that life improves. People return and start asking for forgiveness.

I had several such cases—it looks quite amusing. A person comes, asks for forgiveness, and then it turns out they were at a training where this was recommended to everyone. When I saw that this was repeating, I began to carefully observe what is actually happening at that moment.

When someone asks you for forgiveness, you develop a certain expectation. A feeling arises that resembles satisfaction. What kind of feeling is this? Either you become as if higher than this person, or at least on the same level. As if the person was “raised”: first lowered, then brought back.

This is a fairly common psychological trick. It is used in politics, management, and families. First a person applies pressure, then asks for forgiveness. And if this repeats, an effect arises where the relationship seems to return to its initial point. If viewed manipulatively, one can see: such actions often lead to a situation where one person begins to be used.

What happens to the one from whom forgiveness is asked? What do they expect? Do they expect? How does their state change? What is forgiveness for? Should a person forgive only when they are asked for forgiveness? Or can they forgive independently of this?

When I observed such situations, I noticed another thing. At the moment when someone asks you for forgiveness, an unspoken expectation arises: that you must also ask for forgiveness in return, as if it is a mandatory exchange. There is even a day when everyone asks each other for forgiveness.

When one person asks “how are you,” it is assumed that you must also ask back. Recently someone wrote to me: “How are you?” I replied: “Good.” But why should I ask this question in return? Who said I am obligated to do that? Is it really necessary, or is it just an automatic habit? In society, many actions are performed automatically, without meaning. For example, a manager asks an employee “how are you,” but is not actually interested, immediately moving on to work topics.

There is another layer—what answer you give. Is the person ready to hear a real answer? If you say not “good,” but that you are struggling, what happens next? Many believe this should not be said, that it is “negative.” And even around such simple things, many assumptions and discussions arise.

And if we move to the topic of forgiveness, it becomes an even more complex area in terms of perception and relationships between people.

People often ask for forgiveness when the other side does not even understand what exactly they are being asked forgiveness for, thereby creating very different, specific states, as if the other person is also guilty of something.

At trainings they often say: “Ask for forgiveness—the energy will change.” Does it work? In a certain sense it could work, but in reality it does not. There is no linear connection: if you asked your partner for forgiveness, it does not mean money will appear. If it wasn’t there, it may still not be there, or the situation may even worsen. This is important to understand.

On the other hand, if a person asks for forgiveness because they were told at a training that it is necessary for money, or because it is the “true meaning of life,”—this is not genuine. Most people, especially in business, actually want to earn money. They do not want to enter a state of living, genuine communication, and sincere relationships with people.

And real relationships with people are not about asking for forgiveness once for past actions. It is about how you behave afterward, how you treat people daily. How you treat everyone: not only partners, employees, or bosses, but people in general—children, relatives, strangers. Whether you treat everyone equally, not only those who are important to you.

We see that in forgiveness there is often a hidden goal. And it is important to understand this goal for yourself. If you are asking for forgiveness, first honestly define why you are doing it. And then ask yourself: can this really work the way you expect?

If you think that by asking forgiveness from an old partner you will remove emotional blocks and solve future problems, stop and check this chain. Does it work? The answer is almost always no. Because such things work only when the action comes from real awareness, when you truly understand your goal and your state.

You could, of course, come and say: “I was given a task to ask for forgiveness. I don’t fully feel guilt. Maybe I even want to use you right now, but I don’t understand how. Help me figure it out.” Such an honest conversation gives far more energy than another approach.

But there is another level. When you truly feel your guilt, fully realize it, and from a pure state ask for forgiveness. You are ready to lose everything for this person, to live through consequences, ready to suffer, understanding that you caused harm.

Before asking for forgiveness, it is worth honestly asking yourself this question: are you truly ready to live through this or not? If not, why go into it? Why enter this situation?

As an intermediate step—yes, for a modern person this is very difficult. Most are not capable of such action. A person is immersed in ego systems, in different states. They simply do not have enough inner strength. And true forgiveness requires enormous inner power. It is not weakness—it is great strength. Because at that moment you are truly sacrificing yourself for another person: not for money, not for benefit, not for result. These aspects simply do not exist there.

If you understand the structure of karma or cause-and-effect relationships, you will see: there is no pattern where asking forgiveness automatically normalizes anything. Moreover, what line—you do not even understand what causes and effects occurred. If you did, you would not perform these actions at all.

But if you came to a person and honestly discussed this question, said that you cannot do it, that something inside you is raging, some strange state, and tried to analyze this state together with that person – of course, this leads to a different result. Especially if you do it from a position of understanding that the other person may have a different opinion.

I was in such a state when I could already clearly see a person’s thoughts, and I saw when a person came to ask for forgiveness solely because they were given such an assignment or it was some kind of technique. I usually listened and said: “Okay.” This is a very interesting moment. What is happening here? If a person sincerely asks for forgiveness, they do not expect a reaction back from you. It does not matter to them how you react. You can say anything to them, and they will accept it. But people most often expect a reaction because they came insincerely.

Of course, there are people who truly ask for forgiveness. But we are now analyzing precisely that zone – it exists in modern humans. When you react calmly, just listened – and that’s it, what next? A person just came and brought some information.

I had a story: a person came back after eight months, wanted to have a call, said they wanted to ask for forgiveness. I replied: “Ask.” They asked. I said: “What shall we discuss next?” And this is very revealing. After such situations, people often simply disappear. Because it was not a real action. Because if you ask for forgiveness – even manipulatively – you must be ready for feedback.

For example, I have the right to say: “You didn’t ask properly. For this to be accepted, you must pay 10 million dollars.” And the person is surprised: “Why?” But if you believe that you did something bad and caused damage, why do you decide yourself how to compensate it?

In that situation, the person acted manipulatively and wanted to cause harm. They simply failed, but the intention was there. And then the question arises: who said they can simply leave after the words “I’m sorry”? If you started – finish it. It doesn’t have to be money. It can be time, labor – for example, working in my garden for six months every day for 12 hours. That is already a discussion.

But is that really so? Then does it mean you can kill 10 people and just say “sorry”?

A person will say: “No, it doesn’t work that way for 10 murders.” If you killed 10 people, you cannot just ask for forgiveness and end it there – you must, for example, serve 40 years in prison. Because someone decided that this is the punishment.

And in another country they may decide that it should be 1,500 years. Recently, in Turkey, a leader in the world received such sentences – in total, together with other defendants, 1,500 years in prison. For genocide, in the context of the conflict between Israel and Palestine. This is their particular understanding of punishment.

And the question arises: if a person asks for forgiveness, is that story removed from them? No, it is not removed.

In society it is believed that if a person in court shows remorse or asks for forgiveness, their sentence may be reduced. Is this right or wrong? Courts then try to determine: did they truly repent or just say it as part of the process. There are cases when the court says: “This person did not sincerely repent, they are likely manipulating the system, so we will not reduce the sentence.” Or vice versa: “The person truly repented, and this is taken into account.” But it is important to understand: these are just rules defined by someone. Rules of the system regarding violations of laws established by the state, and partially by society. And in each country these rules are different. And we see how the same person is convicted in one country and not in another.

When we move to personal stories, speaking about forgiveness – for example, between business partners – here no one has defined clear rules. If someone cheated, set someone up, betrayed, cheated, spoke badly behind someone’s back – there is no universal mechanism of what “forgiveness” is in these cases.

That is why I often say: “If a person truly saw the actions they have committed in this life, and truly realized them, not even mentioning past lives, they would fall to their knees and would not be able to rise for the rest of their life. They simply would not withstand it.”

Why? If a real energetic process is activated, a real distribution of cause and effect, a real balancing of energy weights – a person simply does not have enough strength to endure it. It is not lived through quickly. It requires time, experience, constant presence in this state. Not virtually, but truly.

So the question arises: is it even necessary to do this?

A person who performs such actions must understand what “volume of energy” they are affecting. We live in a society where understanding of debt and energy has long been lost. If someone gave you advice and it turned out to be destructive – a person lost 20 years of life, health, or even children – does the one who gave the advice bear responsibility?

For example, someone said: “Go there.” And then it turns out that the trip is dangerous – there are emissions harmful to health. I personally encountered a situation when I was suggested to go to a volcano, and only later it turned out that there were dangerous fumes there. So does the person bear responsibility for their advice? In the modern world people do not understand this.

That is why the concept of karma exists. Karma would not exist if people understood responsibility. If they realized the consequences of their actions and constantly wanted to balance these scales – the system would be different. But this is not the case. In the spiritual system, part of these processes is accounted for automatically, within consciousness. But a person does not see the full picture.

Imagine: you committed 10 bad actions against a person, and they committed 500 against you. What is more? What is heavier? In ordinary logic people simply meet and say: “Well, let’s make peace.” Both apologize, and that’s it. What is the point?

This is not balancing of scales. This is a social gesture, sometimes not changing anything at all. Moreover, it can even create new karma – due to unconsciousness or manipulation. Why are you doing this? To get money? To advance in your career? To get approval? Dinner? Recognition? Or to be thought well of?

And here an important question arises: how do people actually perceive “sacred actions” – repentance, confession, asking for forgiveness? What does it really mean?

And who has the right to “forgive sins”? If a person truly had full authority to forgive sins, they would completely transform another person’s karma. They would fully release it, and the entire system would be changed.

But here a question arises. If this person is a representative of God or some energies, then by forgiving sins they must see not only what was told to them, but much more. Because the person themselves is not reasonable in this sense: they do not see the entire space, they do not perceive the whole system of their actions. Then the one who “forgives sins” would have to point out to the person their other actions, other violations that they themselves do not realize. And not just that the person came, told part of something, and received: “I forgive your sins.” Or: “This time I do not forgive, go pray, read 800 prayers or mantras.” But I can read 50,000 prayers and nothing will change if I do it only so that I am “forgiven.”

This is similar to a situation where, for a child’s baptism, godparents must memorize a prayer by heart. What kind of test is this? I do not deny these practices: they are important from the point of view of perceiving the world, understanding a human being, understanding the Universe, working with prayers and inner states truly, authentically, not virtually.

Recently it was Easter, and at different moments I observed how people congratulate each other. It becomes visible how socialized this event is. It is just a holiday: everyone congratulates each other, exchanges messages. But it is enough to ask two or three questions – and people’s mood immediately changes. It can easily be destroyed. For example: “And what do you actually understand about this?”

• Then people drink alcohol, “celebrate” something. But what exactly are you celebrating? Do you know what this event is? What is this phenomenon that happened 2000 years ago? What energy was brought to Earth? What is this truth?
• Or does everything reduce to ritual: going to church, performing a formality, and then drinking, knocking eggs, discussing who has what Easter cakes, how eggs are painted, who is wearing what, who posted what.

If it is a game – then it is worth calmly admitting that it is a game. At the same time, of course, there are people for whom it is not a game. They have an inner impulse, a sense of Christ, a sense of what is happening. They feel this event as real: not as a memory, but as a living experience here and now. There was a time when many people felt this, and there will be a time when it will again become inner knowledge.

But we live in a society where even such people are forced to remain in the space of the game. They receive congratulations, messages, reactions, and they have to respond to it. They cannot completely ignore it.

This is similar to the situation with forgiveness. If a person writes: “I ask your forgiveness,” – a response is almost expected from you. But if you approach it truly, then you need to sit down and actually analyze it.

When a person asks for forgiveness, they bring something into your space. And it is important to understand: you must be ready for different reactions, including that the other side may set conditions. And then the question is: are you ready to accept them? Are you ready to “pay” them – in a broad sense? Or are you not ready to deal with this at all?

People often do not understand the weight of energy, do not understand what exactly they are doing.

For example, a person treated an employee unfairly: fired them improperly. And thinks they can “compensate” this by going to church, charity, or hiring other employees. On my channel there is a video about karmic management. People are offered: “You fired one – hire several others and treat them well.”

But it does not work linearly like that. You affected the life of a specific person, and this influence may affect hundreds more people further on. And in another case – refusal of a job might have led a person to a better path. You cannot simply balance it by doing something “good” to someone else. By refusing someone a job, you think you did harm, but in the end it turned out: it was good that you did it.

– Is it normal to ask for forgiveness if it is important for the other person and they directly asked for it?

For example, I understand that it is hard for me to do it, but I still do it for the sake of the other person. Does that mean there is no sincerity in such an action?

What happens to the system at that moment? And is such an intention normal if I do it not for myself, but for another person?

– The main point: you are not doing it “for another person.” This is an illusion. Why did you decide that you are doing it for another person?

First, let us consider a situation where you yourself go and ask for forgiveness, thinking that you are doing it for them. If you think this way – it is ego, you are in darkness.

The only thing you can do truly is from truth, from a healthy attitude toward people, but not for a specific person. It is done because it is truth, and therefore I will do it. Not because it is “for another.”

You can cause trauma to another person, bring them an inauthentic perception, strengthen their ego. Yes, it can also be different: reconciliation is possible, a good state can be created. But I am not saying here that you should not ask for forgiveness. I am talking about essence.

A false, inauthentic action is meaningless. It is like forcing someone to ask for forgiveness. For example, telling a child: “Until you apologize, this and that will happen.” And waiting for certain things from them.

I have four children, and there are situations when a child does not ask for forgiveness immediately or even after some time. And what to do with that? Nothing, just live. I ask myself: “Why do I want them to apologize? To show that I am stronger? That I am in charge? Or to show them the true state of perception of people?”

I recently liked Sadhguru’s statement: “Do not forbid children from using phones and social networks; if they are there, it means you are not interesting to them.”

Of course, there is another side to this, but there is deep meaning in it. In the situation with forgiveness, the question is: what does the child feel near you? What do they experience? What is more important – that they say the word “sorry,” or that they remain in an honest state, even if they do not understand it? Maybe for them this is not a situation where those words are needed. They have their own opinion, their own impulse. Should they be forced to act against this impulse – that is a big question.

What is more important: to instill a mechanical habit of apologizing or to preserve a living perception?

I know many people who easily apologize. But this is not sincerity – it is a skill of social manipulation. That is why sometimes it is more honest to say to yourself: “I am doing this as a social action.” We live in a society where there are many such games. And it is important not to deceive yourself.

For example, you work in a company where you are expected to apologize once a week to your manager, otherwise you will be fired. You need to earn money. Then apologize. It is a social game. If it is unpleasant for you – do not work there. But there are situations when there is no choice. Then simply realize: it is a game. And play by its rules. No need for drama or psychotherapy. Just understand that it is an ordinary social game.

If someone says that I am manipulating you – no, I am not. We live in a world of an infinite number of social games, and first of all you should not deceive yourself.

You may say: “This is unpleasant for me, this is hard for me.” Then do not work in that company. But there are situations when there is no choice. When it is the only job within, say, “100,000 kilometers,” nothing else is available, and you are tied to it in every way. In that case – play by the rules. Say the necessary word and receive your salary. Why argue? Why defend anything if your task there is to earn money?

It is important to define your main goal.

• If your goal at work is to earn money, then asking for forgiveness is not a problem.
• But if your main goal is the truth of existence, then this is a completely different question.

Just honestly look: what is your goal? Will you be “punished” for such forgiveness?

If it is a social game, a neutral automatic process – no. It is like a working mechanism. You made a report, they say: “The report is bad,” although you know you did it as requested. The manager is just used to saying this. And you reply: “Sorry, I will prepare a new one.” You bear no responsibility for this. You are not deceiving anyone. It is simply a format of interaction. It is a social rule. And it is important to be able to see it calmly and truly. To understand where you are and what is actually happening.

There are people who find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness. I know such people. There are situations when a person simply cannot do it. You say: “Well, apologize to me.” And they cannot. You say: “Just try. Try to occasionally ask for forgiveness for yourself.”

For example, I say: try to sometimes ask your husband, or your wife, or your children for forgiveness. And the person cannot. They ask: “For what?” You answer: “You yourself just said that you committed certain bad actions. That is what you should ask forgiveness for.” And they say: “How long do I have to do this?” Constantly, because it is an endless story. You cannot fully compensate it anymore, and the act itself may be important.

And the person again asks: “Why do this?” Try to tune into the fact that you truly committed some action and want to work through it.

And then an honest conversation may appear. When you come to a person and say: “I discussed this, and I was told that I should ask you for forgiveness. I cannot do it. It is hard for me. But I understand that perhaps I was wrong somewhere. Although inside I feel that you were also wrong. But I will still try. Can I occasionally try to ask you for forgiveness?”

This is a very high, very honest level of conversation. Such conversations could exist between parents and children, between husbands and wives, between partners. But there is a social environment where this is impossible. Because then usual structures begin to collapse: family, partnership, rules of interaction.

As soon as people start speaking like this honestly – they often stop being together at all. Because illusions disappear. In many cases, people stay together due to conflict. Without conflict – there is no partnership. Conflict holds them together. People do not know how to be together in any other way. They do not know how to simply sit next to each other, be silent, be in the same space without tension. Not as an exercise, but simply to be.

The modern world says: go to psychotherapists, work through yourself, improve yourself to improve relationships, to feel better. But it is not guaranteed to work.

Sometimes you end up meeting people just because there is a holiday or circumstances. People communicate because they ended up in the same room. Often everything is held together by alcohol. Try meeting without alcohol. It is very useful. Start feeling the other person, hearing them, being with them. You need to want to be interested in another person, not only in yourself, to want to understand them. And here a paradox arises: you begin to understand the person and suddenly realize that they are uninteresting to you. Should you continue? Not necessarily. But this can happen to anyone: to your children, to your parents.

Imagine a situation: a person is told to “fix the relationship with their mother or father.” They start doing it and in the process suddenly realize that they are not interested in this person. And what then? Society is divided into two camps.

• On one side – “you must spend time, they are your parents.”
• On the other – “do not meet at all, why ruin relationships.”

– And what is correct?

– This question disappears where you begin to treat all people equally. But this is very difficult.

When you treat your children, strangers, your parents, and strangers equally – as people – then a lot changes. Moreover, you begin to understand that some people may be closer to you than relatives, because in a deeper sense you have lived more with them than with those you are formally connected to. But this is difficult to accept.

And what if a person is constantly in manipulation? For example, you meet, and they are always drinking. Why should you meet them?

And then strange reasoning begins. “Well, if they do really terrible things – don’t meet them. But otherwise – endure.” Why “endure”?

We live in a very strange time. People with licenses can give advice and be wrong – and nothing happens. And a person without a license says something – and can be punished. A doctor can make a mistake – and not face consequences. Another person without status – will face them. Mass media can distort information, people make decisions based on it – and no one is responsible. Politicians change positions, contradict themselves – and this becomes normal.

We live in a world where there are zones of impunity and zones of punishment where it should not exist. And in this world the question of forgiveness becomes especially complex. Therefore, the topic of forgiveness – of oneself, others, and the world – should not be approached as a one-time act. A one-time act is an illusion.

It is important to learn to live, to feel, to understand causes and effects, to understand your actions: what you are doing, why you are doing it, and where it leads.

– What should you do if you want to ask for forgiveness, but it is already too late – for example, the person has passed away?

– What does “too late” mean in the sense that your forgiveness will not work? But if you understand that any act of forgiveness is directed toward the truth of the world, then it becomes clear: it is never too late. Because forgiveness itself does not “fix” the karma of an event. The event has already happened. It already exists.

Forgiveness can create a new impulse, but it does not cancel what has been. This is not a linear system where one action erases another. It is a complex interweaving of causes and effects. When a person says “it is too late,” they often want a certain reaction. They expect something in return.

Then ask yourself: how do you determine whether it is too late or not too late?

• If the person is alive – is it too late or not?
• Can you ask for forgiveness from a living mother or father – is it too late or not?
• If a person is alive – is it too late or not to ask for forgiveness?

How is this connected to life? It means it is connected to life because I can personally ask. Okay, and then is it too late or not if we are still alive? Can it be too late? Of course.

Imagine you did a bad action 15 years ago.

– Does it have weight?

– You already lived 15 years of life, a huge number of events have occurred, and now you come and ask for forgiveness. But you already lived another life in between – everything has changed. Yes, you can influence the future sequence of events with your action – of course. But it is already late. Therefore, any forgiveness is “late” relative to what you are discussing.

If we analyze linearly (although in reality it does not work that way): you did something bad, and a line of consequences started. It already appeared and began to move. The very fact of the action is already “late.” You should not have done it.

Therefore, in a deep sense there is no concept of “late” or “not late” in forgiveness. In the social world – yes, it exists. There it is about “asking for forgiveness to get a salary increase,” “to restore relationships,” “to get back together,” “to make communication comfortable.” In the social world it works. But in the real world in terms of causes and effects – no. There, a whole line of events has already been created. The very fact of the action has already started the process. And your forgiveness is just the experience of karma.

Sometimes you think you are asking for forgiveness because you decided to. But often it is not so. It is simply time to perform this action – to in some sense balance the flow of events. The very fact that you can ask for forgiveness already indicates you have a certain strength. Earlier you did not have it – so you did not do it. And here is an important point: you do not always control this. If there is strength – such actions may not be needed.

If you live in a state of deep understanding of the laws of the world, you may not need to ask for forgiveness at all. Because you see it is meaningless: you will fall to your knees and not rise. Here is the paradox: you will not have enough time to do it. You have lives ahead where you will experience it, and you want to ask for forgiveness to improve your future life.

A person often wants to ask for forgiveness to improve the future:

– to avoid hell, – to improve the time between death and rebirth, – to improve the next life, – or at least make this life easier.

A person builds many constructions around this. But in reality, the only thing you can do is understand: the actions have already been done. And yes, you will continue to experience them.

How exactly – depends not on you, but on how the spiritual world disposes it, how it is structured at higher levels. It is not your choice. It is not a story where you “sit down” and say: “Offer me options on how to work out a situation where I fired 100 people, deceived people, or caused harm.”

And they supposedly offer you: here you can do this, here that. And you choose: “I don’t like this. I am not ready for prison now, but maybe in the next incarnation. What else is there?” And they say: “You can also not be born.” – “Oh, great, that works.”

If you look closely, a person wants to have choice. This layer is very heavy for perception, for understanding reality, for understanding how everything is arranged. Here you need not just knowledge, not just books read, not just insights from astrology, trips, or other people’s words. Here you need a high level of awareness.

Awareness in observing yourself: your states, thoughts, how causes and effects arise, how decisions are made, and how actions are performed.

Actions are an interesting aspect.

Recently I was sitting at breakfast with my children. There was noise, conversations, children figuring things out among themselves. And at one moment I said a completely neutral phrase to my son, and he was literally thrown back. He had tears. He asked: “Why are you looking at me like that?” It was a very revealing moment. I was in a neutral state, but at the same time in deep awareness. I perceived him not as a “small child,” but as a full spiritual being. Yes, in human form he is small now, but in essence – that is not the case, and his psycho-physical system simply could not withstand that gaze.

And then a big question arises: what happens next? How do others react? What impulses are triggered in everyone present? Who says what next? How is it perceived?

And most importantly – what interpretation is formed in the child himself.

Because he has his own interpretation, just like any adult. People think they are no longer children in their interpretations. But this is not so: they have simply learned to say some things and not say others.

The question of forgiveness is, on one hand, a huge, deep question of human life. And on the other hand – it is a tool that people continue to use for manipulation: of themselves, others, and the world. This will continue until a person truly understands what it means – to ask for forgiveness.