There is a state that is well known to many people: you talked to a person, and afterward you feel very bad. So bad that you don’t understand what is happening. You seemed to come in a good state, you talked to the person, and then you have exhaustion, emptiness, as if you spent the whole day unloading potatoes. This applies to business partners, employees, colleagues at work, bosses, friends, neighbors, a wife, a husband, children, parents.
How do you avoid falling into a bad state when you are around people? How do you learn to balance in such situations? This is an important skill for a modern person. Both from the point of view of the social, material space, and, of course, from the point of view of the spiritual world. This is the skill of perceiving what is happening.
Three reasons why this happens
- The first reason.
You come in, and the other person has a volume of energy that you cannot handle, and at the same time they do not want to harm you.
A simple example. If a bear appears at a distance of 100 meters, with high probability we will get scared. Our state will change, strong fear will appear, and most likely we won’t even understand what is happening. And not because the bear attacked. We saw it not from a window, but in open terrain. At the same time, the bear, most likely, won’t even look at us and will go further. It didn’t want to create any problems for us, but it possesses a certain energy that triggers fear in us.
- The second reason.
When we meet another person, they have strong energy, and they really want to harm us.
If, for example, a bear ends up with us in a room, with high probability it will attack and cause damage. Our state will also change — most likely, we will die.
- The third reason.
The most unpleasant option: when you meet another person, and the cause of your state is not them, but you yourself. When you meet, a certain negative state arises in you, and you begin to feel bad.
Many can notice this by watching celebrities. Negativity or aggression appears. Reading about rich people, envy, anger, indignation arises. A person starts to irritate you, although they have nothing to do with you. They don’t even see you. People watch YouTube videos, and something irritates them. Very often the problem is not the other person. Not always — sometimes people really do transmit heavy energy. But right now I am speaking specifically about a situation where the person generates it themselves.
The sensations in all three cases can be very similar: fear, fatigue, emptiness, irritation. But the causes are different.
I will separately draw attention to the third situation, because it strongly affects the person themselves. They may be sitting calmly, and then suddenly feel anxiety: “Wait, 10 minutes ago I was calm, and now — I’m not. Nothing changed in the room, I’m disconnected from the internet, nothing is happening around. But for some reason 10 minutes ago I felt good, and now I feel bad. Who is to blame for this?” And the person starts looking for someone to blame, although no one is to blame. The cause is in them.
Let’s analyze situation #1: the volume of the other person’s energy is greater than yours
To find a solution and calmly interact with different people, especially with those who want to develop, it is important to understand the following. In life, situations constantly arise where you need to negotiate money with partners, communicate with management or colleagues, build relationships. I’m not even talking about family and children, especially in difficult situations. Sometimes there is not one person nearby, but, for example, ten more.
The first case, when a person feels bad, arises because the other person is not transmitting negative energy, but simply has a very large volume of energy. What to do about this? How, at the right moment, to recognize that you are next to an “elephant,” and the person is simply strong, but does not want to harm you?
Here it is important to watch the activation of your trigger. A specific space arises that activates this trigger.
This, by the way, is well illustrated by the first example. People periodically tell me: “Sasha, I talk to you, and I start to cry.” The person perceives it as if I caused their problem. But tears appear not because I did something, but because I spoke about things that highlighted a certain state in the person. I am not the cause of the tears. I, on the contrary, helped them notice them.
In the overwhelming majority of cases, tears are an ego-construction.** This is resentment. Very strong, sometimes almost insane. A person starts crying and goes into their resentment. And someone from the outside says: “Look what you did, he’s crying because of you” or “she cried because of you.”
I didn’t do anything at all. I was just standing there. Like that bear that is standing, and the child gets scared. The child got scared not because the bear attacked, but because the bear was simply present.
You come to work, enter the office, see your boss — and you start shaking. And you say: “My boss is evil.” Is he really evil? Or you simply don’t understand how this energy works, and there is no evil there at all?
Strength can manifest in different ways. If we see a person with twenty rifles, obviously, we will get scared. But that doesn’t mean he is going to do something. Maybe he is simply guarding some space. If from childhood you explain that these people are engaged in protection, fear may not arise at all.
It’s like with a pedestrian crossing. You understand that, most likely, the car will stop — and it stops. But if you were once hit at a crossing, you will stand and say: “Please, go ahead, I’ll wait.” At the same time, the other person is not to blame for that.
And this is very important to learn — to recognize such situations. Because otherwise it begins to harm your development and the actions you take.
Another example. Children make noise, and adults start getting angry simply because someone is making noise. It is very interesting to observe how some people are irritated by this noise to the limit: they begin to react sharply, say different things to the children. And nearby sits another person whom it does not irritate at all. And he thinks: “What is happening? Everything is fine, it’s just a child running.”
Everyone has their own reaction. If you spit on the carpet right now, it will cause one reaction in me. If you spit on me — a completely different one. If you hit me — another reaction will appear. But if we had agreed in advance that it’s normal to spit on the carpet here, I might not even pay attention to it. The action is the same, simple, but the reaction is different. And it is important to understand this.
Everyone, of course, most often looks for example number two. What to do when you meet people who really want to cause harm? How to be around them? How to be near people who transmit aggression, a negative reaction, who create a space of harm? Sometimes — consciously, sometimes — not, but the space becomes heavy.
And here, by the way, your favorite question. You ask it all the time: “Does he do it on purpose or not on purpose? And if not on purpose, then what? Should you accept it? Accept this hit?”
First, you need to learn to be in a state where you do not sink. And I want to say that one of the big problems in a person’s development is that they immediately cling to the other person and try to change the other person, instead of figuring themselves out.
That is, the first thing you need to do, if you see that you come to work and your manager, partner, employee, or colleague is trying to get under your skin, is to learn not to react to it.
At meetings it often happens like this: a meeting is going on, the manager starts yelling. I tell many people: “If you feel that it touches you, calmly ask to go to the restroom.” You leave, you come back, and the manager is already discussing another topic and has completely forgotten that you were there. You need to learn to stop such situations. If you cannot sort them out — you need to exit them carefully, calmly.
You see a conflict at home with a child, a conflict with a husband or wife, with mom or dad, with a passerby, a neighbor — with anyone. The first task is to try not to create this problem. This is the basic step.
It’s like with dogs. Someone once told me: “You understand, there are situations you simply shouldn’t create for a dog?” Don’t leave food on the table. You want the dog to stop eating from the table? Good. But first stop leaving it there. Teach the dog other things. And gradually, through training, you will reach a state where it won’t take food from the table.
The same with a small child. If you have a child and he crawls on the floor, you shouldn’t immediately expect that on the very first day he won’t blow up a grenade if it’s lying on the floor. Remove the grenade. Remove the knives. Then gradually teach the child to use these knives.
First you need to enter a state of perception. Learn to be next to people who break down, in a state of calm observation. And there is an important nuance here. **Calm observation is a state in which manipulation of another person is absent.
Task 1
To understand your arising reaction: recognize that this is my area of responsibility, and understand why it appears.
Task 2
Remove the assumption that the other person does it “on purpose,” exclude unnecessary interpretations and, while remaining in this state, move to resolving the situation. Provided that it can be done.
Because there are cases when you need to leave the space forever. If dangerous people live in some neighborhood — just stop walking there. That happens.
I already gave an example. If a boss at work throws tomatoes at you and yells profanity, you don’t need to try to change the boss. He is your boss. He is there either with the consent of the higher management, or because it is his company. It is his choice.
I am not saying he has the right to behave this way from the point of view of the laws of the Universe. But within this system — it is a given. You either accept it and try to adapt, or you quit. But you definitely don’t need to enter into a constant conflict.
If you endlessly discuss your boss, try coming and not paying attention to the profanity and the tomatoes. Look at it as a neutral factor. Or think about whether it is possible not to create a situation in which he starts throwing tomatoes.
Last week I had an illustrative story with a dog. I went outside, the dog looked at me and ran away. We have a large territory here, forests. I got in the car, found him, brought him back, scolded him, sent him to the balcony. I held a meeting, came back, I think: “The dog doesn’t run away from me.” I open the door, go out with him. He walks next to me, quiet, obedient, looks at me — like, I understood everything. I turn away to remove the tennis net. I turn back — the dog is gone. I chase him again, punish him, bring him back, curse, close the door.
A few more hours pass, the children return, the wife. I tell this story, they laugh. I think: “Well now he understood.” I open the door, go out with him — he looks at me and runs away again. I bring him back, scold him, and we stand with my wife, discussing it. And she says: “Sash, you open the door for him. He thinks: he opened the door again, значит, I can run away. You scold him — he thinks: they scold me again. How long can this go on? The solution is simple — don’t open the door.”
And that’s it. Don’t test. I myself, again and again, created the same situation. I could have not ruined my day at all. I just needed to accept: the dog is not trained. Which means, for some time the door is closed, a leash is mandatory. Don’t recreate the conflict again.
Or an example with a boss who says: “Wear suits.” We come not in a suit. He scolds us. The person thinks: “What a guy!” You come the next day again in shorts. He says: “I told you — don’t wear that,” and scolds again with profanity. You come again — in sneakers. He again says: “Don’t wear that, I told you,” and again scolds. And then you come in a suit — and he says nothing to you. And you think: “Look at him, he said nothing to me. I came in a suit.” But that’s what he asked from the beginning.
Very often situations arise in which people start creating for you a problem you cannot cope with. And once again: we are now considering the situation where across from you is an elephant. You must recognize it. If you feel bad next to another person — it means you are an ant. For some reason many believe that if they felt bad with a boss or subordinate, it means they are “cooler,” and the other just pressed. But no. If there was no weapon, blackmail, direct social or economic pressure, and it’s only about your state, it means you were not able to stay in a state of awareness. Very often the reason is precisely that. This means you are an ant. And you must recognize that. And the other person is an elephant.
This, by the way, is very important. You recognized that you are an ant. Which means, first of all you need to watch your behavior. You need to recognize that the other person is an elephant. And then — an important point — in this situation you should not think that the other person is to blame.
I will explain why. If you are not in a state of complete calm and harmony at the moment of conflict and do not remain in it, you are not able to adequately assess the situation and understand it.
And then one of the strong solutions is to come and sort it out. Together determine how you will interact with this person further. Whether to stay in these processes, minimize conflict, or leave it.
Sometimes, having realized the situation, the other person stops creating problems for you altogether. If you look at wild animals — sorry for the example, this is not comparing a person, but the principle is the same. We have cougars in the forest here. And there is a rule: if you see a cougar, you should not run away and panic. You need to react in a certain way. If you run, the cougar may trigger an automatic reaction — it will perceive it as a threat and attack. But if you remain calm and do the right actions, it, on the contrary, will leave. Because it sees that you do not show aggression. Moreover — it feels your strength.
The same thing happens with people. When you are next to an “elephant” and remain calm, the elephant starts thinking whether it is worth creating problems for you. You do not react, you are in a calm state. A person yells profanity. It happens. The elephant feels the reactions of others. Those who try to bite him, eat him, attack him — he feels very clearly. And then he may act inappropriately.
The same with a bear. We know that a bear does not attack just like that. It attacks either when it already had a negative experience, or when it believes you are threatening it or its cubs.
Many bosses and employees have an automatic reaction. I knew a huge number of employees who, upon meeting, immediately go into defense. You stand and think: why did he go into defense? But it is precisely the defense that triggers the response aggression. You start getting angry, scolding. And then he says: “He yelled at me again.”
There is another situation that is important to consider. This is a mirror reaction.
When the problem arises seemingly not because of you and not because of the other person, but because a mirror fired in you. There are people who transmit negativity, and you begin to be in it. You pick it up, immerse yourself and begin to simply be present in this state.
The solution here is still the same. The key zone is you yourself. The first thing is to tell yourself: “I don’t understand what the problem is.” And the second is to bring yourself to a state of stable balance. Constant balance. Whatever happens, you remain in it.
I can say about myself. I have people in my life — my mom, my wife, and several other situations — where I know very clearly that I can quickly fall into a narrowed state of perception. On the level of psychophysics. Like with a bear or an elephant. And inside me it’s like a red lamp lights up. Such a signal: “Sasha, you are inadequate right now. The only thing you can do is stop making conclusions. You need to stop. You are inadequate right now.”
This simple technique allowed me to resolve a huge number of situations. The more often I noticed my inadequacy, the less often I actually entered it.
The question is different. How do you recognize that the situation is inadequate? How do you choose saving the truth, and not saving your ego? Because saving yourself very often leads to death. You will run at the bear, and you shouldn’t run at it. It will eat you. It didn’t want that, but it will have to.
It is very important not to prove that you are not an ant. And it is very important to understand what you really need. On this job, do you need money? Or is it important to show how cool you are? So that you are praised? So that the boss admires you? Or is freedom, realization, спокойствие important to you?
Make a decision. What is more important to you — your own state or daily discussion of another person with immersion into harsh negativity?
What is more important to you — to speak out and lose energy? Or to keep silent and remain in balance?
To show your opinion? Or to choose the truth about the world?