– How do you stop being convenient for everyone? People often face the fact that it’s very hard for them to say “no.”
It’s generally not trendy now to be “convenient,” and many people are asking how to get rid of this. For example, constantly adapting to your partner: he wants to go to a specific restaurant, or he wants a specific dish for dinner—and you somehow can’t say “no.” Or in a work situation, when you take on new tasks, overwork, and at some point you hit overload, but you’re already afraid to say “no” because other expectations have been set for you. Or in a restaurant, when they bring a glass of wine and you don’t like it, but it’s awkward to ask to replace it—even though you’re paying for it.
How do you stop being convenient for everyone and be yourself?
– That sounds a bit selfish. Same as when we say “it’s not trendy”—it also sounds selfish, right?
I have a question for you: are there people you can’t refuse, and people you can say “no” to in the exact same situation?
– I assume yes. I can’t recall right away, but I think there are.
– The thing is, that’s an important construct. Someone’s mother said something—this person can’t say “no” to their mother, but can to their father. A person can say “no” to their son, but not to their daughter. Can say “no” to their husband, but not to a friend. And so on.
Are there situations in which a person should not say “no”? Are there situations where the answer will always be “yes”?
– I’d assume there are.
– Of course, yes. There are situations when a person sincerely asks for help, support—when there is a lawful basis of the Universe for that.
The first point that is very important to track, in order to resolve this situation, is to at least start separating events a little: where both “yes” and “no” exist at the same time; where, in general, you need to accept the other person’s point of view as a given; and where you will say “no” in any case.
There are situations where you will say “no” in any case. For example, if you’re offered alcohol—you’ll say “no” to everyone right now, correct?
– Correct.
– There was probably a time when you could say “no” to some people, but to others—you couldn’t. It would have been hard in a certain situation. That’s what you need to learn to track. It’s a very subtle point. You need to learn to notice and separate the states in which you have your firm “yes” and your firm “no”—for yourself.
💡When you begin to track a firm “yes” and a firm “no” for yourself, you’ll then be able to diagnose the next issue. You’ll learn to be aware of what’s happening and assess situations correctly: in which situation you need to say “no,” and in which—you don’t.
So first you need to separate everything. Once you’ve separated and seen that there’s a situation in which you can say “no” to some people about alcohol and to others—you can’t; to some people you can say you’re busy in the evening and to others—you can’t; you can refuse going somewhere to some people and to others—you can’t. You’ve formed a clear system of perception—a grasp of your own different behavior patterns.
This is a very interesting aspect because, again: when a person says “I don’t want to be convenient,” “it’s not trendy,” “from now on I’ll act only the way I want”—that’s selfishness.
There can be situations in which you really do need to make concessions to other people for quite a long time. And therefore you should by no means proceed from the idea that you should always put only your desires first.
💡 The correct resolution of this issue is not to arrive at the point where you learn to say “no” or “yes” in all situations. You need to learn to be conscious. If you are in a state of awareness, in a state of wide perception of the world, then overall you don’t have this problem.
For example, I know: if I don’t like something in a restaurant, it’s awkward for me to voice it. I track that and understand that it’s hard for me to speak not because the servers are tense or due to other factors, but because I have some built-in trait and habit.
The first thing I do when I don’t speak up is not create conflict because of it. Of course, it doesn’t always work. I try to remain in a state of awareness that I simply don’t have the strength to handle it right now. And what do I do next? Month after month, year after year, in different places where I feel this awkwardness, I calmly tell people about it more and more. It’s not because they’re bad or because I feel any negative emotions toward them, but because this is my opinion—and it’s lawful.
Very often a person is afraid to say “no” because they don’t know whether it’s lawful; they’re not confident in themselves. And this lack of confidence is transmitted to how they perceive the space they’re in. They don’t realize what’s going on here—is it truth or falsehood?
Very often a person can’t say “no” because they don’t want to deal with the various problems that may arise from not understanding the future situation. For example, today we filmed a lot of videos in San Francisco: there were interesting places where we could have filmed. We walked past stores—I wouldn’t have minded going into some of them; it’s a good and interesting background. But I don’t want to face the situation where, upon entering a store, I’ll have to explain that I’m a blogger and I’m filming. “I want to check something in your store, but at the same time I’m going to be filmed. Do you mind?” A huge number of stores wouldn’t mind because it’s advertising. But I don’t want to deal with that conversation. In this case, I’m aware of it. Why don’t I want to? I have a conscious perception of it.
– And can we look deeper into where this energy and fear, this inability to say “no” that hundreds of thousands of people face, actually comes from? What’s the source of this—being afraid to say “no” to something you don’t like or don’t agree with? Essentially, this is about yourself and the ability to be yourself.
– It’s a vast space of insecurity. The source of insecurity differs greatly from person to person—there isn’t just one.
There can also be situations where you’ll be a very confident, integrated person, but someone will appear to whom you can’t say “no,” with whom you can’t be yourself.
Here we arrive at a very interesting aspect. The very act of saying “no,” the way this question was phrased at the beginning of the article, is about being selfish. But the aspect of finding and figuring it out, and understanding what is happening—why do I have this insecurity, doubts, what am I afraid of?—that is the fundamental solution to the situation.
Most people want to figure it out and say “yes” for their own benefit. I suggest everyone reading this approach it not from a position of self-interest: not in order to simply learn to say “yes” to everyone, but to get to the root.
When we say that it’s a bit hard for me to speak up in a restaurant when I don’t like something—to be honest, I could go to a restaurant with you a hundred times and I’d say it a hundred times. But that won’t change the source of the problem. On the one hand, it will be awkward for me; on the other, the root of the problem as such—the source of my insecurity—will not change because of that. Even if I resolve this question in this restaurant, I won’t be working through the original cause by doing so.
There are a huge number of techniques built on this that claim you’ll work it out. But I want to say that judging by the restaurant example, I’m not touching the core at all. When I do it in a restaurant, I can do it very easily and technically, and you’re unlikely to detect that I’m embarrassed—unless I tell you myself. But technical execution does not remove the problem that exists inside.
Here there’s an important component for a person. On the one hand, of course, in the social world you need to have the ability to manipulate and simply perform some actions you’re not inclined to—no questions here. But on the other hand, when we talk about a person who feels weak, downtrodden, unprotected, lost, who has an enormous series of failures in life, who is afraid of people—of course, it’s not easy to respond to others.
💡We live in a society and a social world with an enormous amount of aggression. And when people constantly live in a state where they shut themselves off from others—they’re shutting off not just from supposedly bad people, but also from good ones, and from themselves. They stop hearing themselves, sensing themselves, knowing themselves.
There is one solution; many may not like it. You need to be aware of this now.
The biggest solution to this situation is to learn to instantly divide your life into components.
People have trouble dividing their life into components because they live exclusively in the physical world and perceive it as absolutely material. They don’t perceive that they themselves are spiritual beings, and that the physical, material world is merely a part of themselves. This creates a problem of dividing their life.
What is “dividing your life”? In this case, it’s the situation in which you are able to learn to do the following actions. The first basic action is to understand that any job has a goal; when you have a workout—it has a goal; when you’ve planned to go to a restaurant—it has a goal.
💡 Concentration on the goal allows you to see whether the current event, in which you’re saying “yes” or “no,” is connected to that goal or not. People want to take a huge number of actions emotionally, without relying on the stated goal. You need to rely on the goal.
- Do you really need to say “yes” for this goal?
- Or for this goal does it make no difference at all?
- Is it important or not important?
This division allows you to switch on a state of wide observation of your life. It’s incredibly important, and very difficult to realize. How can you simultaneously be in a state of spiritual joy and equilibrium, and at the same time be at work and live exclusively within social perception, in social frameworks—often very rigid ones?
You need to stop mixing.
A person has some problem in their professional activity—and they start to perceive their current job as their whole life. But it’s just a small piece of their professional activity.
Division isn’t natural for a huge number of people; they’re not in it at all—not in a state of understanding that there’s professional activity, and then there’s all of life, in which there’s a huge number of jobs and businesses.
By directing your attention, in the areas where you can’t say “no,” to the specific situation—from the standpoint of understanding the goal, and not just abstractly reflecting and considering yourself as someone who lacks confidence—you’ll be able to gradually, step by step, work through this situation.
We’re talking about specifics now: learning in some moments to say “no” where it’s required. You can learn to say “no” anywhere, but a certain situation will arise—and in it you may lose. And for that you need to learn to be in a state of listening, concentration, wide perception.
To solve this task, you need to be able to observe yourself from the side at any moment.
Example. A person knows that they always have a conflict with their boss and they freeze up. Or with a partner they have a conflict—and again they freeze. I often tell people: “Take a pause, go to the restroom.” In the social world, no one nitpicks when you go to the restroom. Or say: “I suddenly feel very unwell; my heart started hurting sharply. May I step away for a second?” Or: “My kidneys or liver suddenly started hurting.” That is, some story related to health—people react calmly to that. Take a pause so you don’t fall into emotional blackout in which you stop perceiving the situation that’s happening.
After all, a person can’t say “no” not because they’re unable to say “no-yes,” “no-no-no-no-yes-yes-yes-yes,” but because they fall into a state—this is very important—of lack of perception. They stop perceiving.
When a person sees an animal, what happens to them? They stop perceiving. Their physical space and psychophysics seize them entirely.
But you need to learn to perceive in different situations.
- Learn to perceive when you’re talking to a child.
- Learn to perceive when you’re swimming in the pool.
- Learn to perceive when you’re watching a series.
- Learn to perceive when you’re meditating.
- Learn to perceive when you’re having sex.
💡 Learn to perceive—to be in a state of wide perception, not a narrow concentration on one specific action.
Although the world very often teaches us to do only the specific action. But can you do one action and at the same time perceive a lot of other things?
Yesterday we were sitting with my friend, and at some point he said:
– Sasha, wait. You’re talking to me right now and in parallel you’re perceiving this state, this world, also this state and also this one. How are you even doing that?
I say:
– And I’m perceiving dozens of similar states.
He was surprised:
– How is that possible?
– How could it be impossible? – I reply.
After all, if we live in a space where we believe that by thinking about your wife you can stir her and she’ll wake up and think about you, then why wouldn’t I understand that my children, my mother, my wife, my friends, my students, my partners could be thinking about me right now? I’m in the perception of the world and in the perception of different energies simultaneously, here and now.
Just like when I’m driving: does anyone think I’m not perceiving the road? Of course I am. My driving automatisms are working, but beyond that there is conscious perception: I see the autopilot, I see how the car changes lanes; I observe whether I can turn, whether the lane is free, where the traffic is, what the weather is. But when an animal comes out, you stop perceiving everything else. You stop feeling the nature around you.
When someone yells at you, or when a person occupies a higher position—you stop perceiving broadly.
There can be many different reasons for this. You might be in a state of inner feeling of slavery because, for example, you were suppressed; or you have energies of past lives that react this way; or because you’re communicating with a person who is more domineering; or you’re afraid of losing your job, money, health. Therefore, in certain moments you are unable to give a true answer.
💡 The point is not to say “no.” The point is to make the right decision. So learn not to say “no” and “yes.” Learn to take a pause.
An interesting case about “no.”
My daughter once wanted to start an Instagram. She comes to me and asks:
– Dad, can I start an Instagram?
I answer:
– No.
She comes again:
– Dad, can I start an Instagram?
– No.
She asks:
– Why?
I say:
– Because your face shouldn’t be on the internet from the standpoint of energy.
She says:
– What does that mean?
I explain to her. She replies:
– I didn’t understand anything. So I can’t start an Instagram?
– You can’t.
And when she came yet again, I caught myself saying “no” automatically, unconsciously. I realized I was no longer looking at the whole picture, and I was answering based on my old preconceptions, and I had stopped sorting out this situation.
And then I said:
– May I take a pause and think?
This “take a pause and think” turned out to be a very correct decision: I clearly tracked and recorded that I had been in a state of non-awareness. And the pause allowed me to switch into a state of true awareness. Such cases are the cases of truth and rightness. It’s not when you take a pause and manipulate, although in the modern social world sometimes you do have to manipulate. But such genuine cases develop in a person a state of firm knowledge and broad perception.
And one more important thing to remember: in our life, in our social society, there are places where you will never be able to say “no.” And you need to treat that calmly.
If, for example, I’m doing business with my partner to whom I always need to say “yes”—and I’m not doing this business in order to say “no,” not to demonstrate my opinion, not to gain confidence through it, but in order to earn $100,000 a month with him—then I will calmly continue to say “yes” to him. And I won’t even react to it. It will be like a ritual of agreeing with another person.
There are such practices: to agree with other people, to say “yes” to them. I’m not talking about the movie Yes Man or some nonsense, but about the very ability to hear different positions.
I will simply agree. I won’t violate anything. I won’t deceive anyone.
Our problem with “yes” or “no” arises where we’re afraid that the other person won’t agree with our opinion or won’t want to accept it.
Imagine: I’m talking to my partner; he suggests an idea.
I say:
– Yes.
He asks:
– Are you really sure about this or not?
I answer:
– You know, I… probably don’t know.
For a normal partner, for a good person, this will trigger a state of self-reflection. And the situation can transform. Note: it can transform not because I learned to say “no,” but because I shifted the focus, made an inner separation—where the decision matters and where it doesn’t; where the goal is and where the emotion is. But at the same time I will still say “yes” and keep making money.
💡 Being yourself is to be in a state of perception, to see and feel what is happening, to remain in a state of wide perception.
What’s the problem with alcohol?
Alcohol narrows perception. That’s why people so often become similar and do the same things in a group: everyone starts communicating or “befriending” in the same way; their perception narrows, or, on the contrary, aggression appears. A person stops being themselves.
Even the example with the lion—I want to say that if you remain yourself and remain human, then most likely the lion will never approach you. And this has long been said. What do they say? Stay calm.
And what is calm? When you calmly perceive everything that is around—you are in a state of healthy perception. This must be learned.
People live like squirrels in a wheel: they fall asleep, wake up—the day has passed. They don’t like today, they don’t like tomorrow, they don’t like the past, they like the future, they like the past, they don’t like the future. People live in a state of non-perception of life. Liking something too much, hating something, adoring something—all these are aspects of the absence of healthy perception of what is happening.
In healthy perception, a person is ready for any events. Can you imagine how hard it is to be ready for any events in life? Including the fact that you can die at any moment; including the fact that loved ones can die at any moment.
💡 Being ready does not mean knowing for sure how you will act. Being ready means striving for it. Being open. Understanding that things can go different ways. Understanding that your behavior can be different. Understanding that it is impossible to be one hundred percent ready, as people want. This understanding is an incredible path to a solution.
— It seems to me that we’ve gone into different planes from a single question. In the sense that we answered much more broadly, didn’t we?
— This isn’t broader—this is the answer. People want to get a specific bullet point, a specific moment. But how can you give a specific answer when all lives and all situations are different?
There are people who will never in their lives, across the whole spectrum of things, learn to say “yes”—and they don’t need to learn it. There are places where you will never be able to do this. This is important to acknowledge. People want a 1–2–3–4 solution to apply in all situations. But as soon as you acknowledge that this particular situation is unsolvable—everything changes immediately.
As soon as you acknowledge the given: this person is like this. You live with a person—and you understand: he is like this. I will no longer try to change it. Next I will decide: whether to continue living with this person, whether to work with this boss, whether to work with this employee, whether to meet with this friend, whether to go to this café. I will decide what to do.
- But there are places where you don’t need to try to change or bring something in, to try to necessarily achieve a different result. This is an incredibly powerful realization.
- There are situations in which you will not be able to act differently.
So just observe it, and in some situations you should rejoice in it. Why argue with it? Make a benefit out of it. Because the original question is egotistical. Not yours, but people’s request: “How do I make it more convenient for me?”
So make a benefit out of it, as I described with the partnership example. With subordinates: if the subordinate likes it—do it that way. If a friend likes it—do it that way. But realize the level of your relationships. Because if you cannot say “yes” or “no” to a person—this is a question of the level of the relationship. Even the fact that you are now dividing “yes” and “no”—you are dividing where you don’t need to.
— I meant that when you can’t say “yes” to a person, that is, to concede to them.
— It’s all the same construct.
— In exactly the same way, if we cannot say “no” to a person, then we are being dishonest toward them.
— There isn’t even a question about dishonesty here. Nor about motivation, goal, impulse. We examined situations where a person invents problems for themselves: “If I say ‘no,’ something will happen.” But often, when you say “no,” the other responds: “Ah, okay.” And that’s it. It turns out it was possible. You’ve all encountered situations where you did something nonstandard—and it turned out to be normal, or even better. Partners, acquaintances, employees said: “Wait, you could do that?”
If you have unspoken things with some people, that’s a matter of the entire relationship—and the situation itself needs to be parsed. But there are situations where you don’t need to parse: it will only be a trauma, a problem. In some situations you need to realize: this is forever.
The problem is that people don’t want anything to be forever. People don’t want to accept that the husband yells, or the wife yells, that the mother or father acts in a certain way. They don’t want to come to terms with it.
💡 But confidence often arises not through resistance, but through accepting the given as it is.
Many believe that if you disagree with something, you should go to the square, go to a rally. But there are enormous manipulations there. You just need to calmly realize and accept that you can’t do anything. Not in all situations, but in many—you can’t do anything.
This is incredibly strong confidence: this is true perception.