Addiction and Depression: Saving Your Loved Ones or Letting Go? A Spiritual Perspective

AVAnna Volchek

Let's talk about rescuing people. Should you rescue loved ones? You see that someone close to you—a friend, parent, child, sister, or brother—needs help. They may have an addiction, or be ill and refuse treatment, or be depressed, refuse to acknowledge it, and reject help, support, or a recommendation to see a psychotherapist. Should you rescue loved ones when you see trouble in the life of someone dear to you, but they either deny it or decide to do nothing about it?

AVAlexander Volchek

Which case are we considering? A case where you want to act truly out of love, or what case? Or are we considering a case where you want to do it from some state of manipulation?

AVAnna Volchek

Yes, I want to do it out of love.

AVAlexander Volchek

So we are considering that particular case, right?

AVAnna Volchek

I want to—

AVAlexander Volchek

Because otherwise, of course, you always need to begin by understanding why you have that impulse. You—

AVAnna Volchek

That is why I want to broaden it. I don't mean, "I want to be a successful parent, so I want a successful child, and that is why I want to cure them," for example, as an extrapolation of one particular thing. We are speaking broadly: should you rescue loved ones when you love and value them, see the trouble they are in, but there is no request for help? Or the other person simply doesn't realize they are in that situation. That happens very often with alcohol addiction, drug addiction, psychological dependence, abusive relationships—there are many factors.

AVAlexander Volchek

The thing is... What should you do in this case?

AVAnna Volchek

Should you rescue them?

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, first of all, Anya, when you use the word "rescue," there is a reason I asked what state you are acting from. Suppose you believe you are in a state of love. Suppose a person believes that and truly sees it that way. They say, "Overall, I am not acting from manipulation or my own fear." People often want to save another person or their health, Anya, because they are afraid the person will die, and worry about how they themselves will feel, what it will be like for them, what will happen to them. That is what they worry about. They worry about that. They want to save the other person not because genuine, real compassion is coming from within, but because it will make it easier for them to go on living through things. You are talking about a true impulse. Then the word "rescue" doesn't exist—and that's the point, bingo. That is why I said it. Then the word "rescue" doesn't exist. That sounds very strange, doesn't it? Look, I seem to have worked through the whole construction, refined the whole construction. Every person on planet Earth has their own path. Let's consider a situation.

This video may once again seem abstract to some people, but this is very important for truly, genuinely finding an answer to your question. We are looking for an answer to your question. Every person has a path. Imagine someone comes into this life with a path in which they are to live a hundred years without serious illness. They are to have a marriage and four children. Everyone lives, grandchildren arrive. There is money, work. What else? Beautiful places, travel, nature, good houses, and death close to a hundred, without illness, diapers, caregivers, or aides, in their sleep. That is a possibility. That is a possibility, isn't it? Of course it is. There is another possible path. Again, I said from the beginning that everyone has a path. A person comes into life with a path chosen entirely reasonably and consciously: they are to die at twenty. That is enough. I have said enough. It doesn't matter what happened before. Let it have been the happiest or unhappiest life, but they are to die.

You will ask me how. I will say any way, but they are to die. Say they die in their sleep, from a heroin overdose, from being hit by a car, from cancer, or from something else. In an airplane, perhaps the plane explodes—anything, but they are to die. That is a path too. Do you agree that such a path exists? I am speaking theoretically now. Of course you wouldn't like it if it happened to someone close to you. But purely theoretically, do you agree with the idea that everyone probably has a path? If your reasoning starts from there being some kind of path—people use "karma," "fate," and many other terms—that is what we are discussing. Suppose it exists. What's more, even if we don't use that framework, I would say things can unfold differently. There is this case, and there is that case. Things can unfold differently even if you don't use an understanding of a person's fate. At some point, you learn that this person who is to die has become ill, at sixteen.

With, say, serious meningitis. Yet they will die from being hit by a car. This is very important. They have meningitis, but will die from being hit by a car. Is that clear? You begin giving this situation attention because you want to save the person. From the perspective of their fate, their life, their onward movement, they will die in any case. Imagine another situation. The person who lives a hundred years also gets meningitis, and you want to save them. You say, "I truly want to save them." I tell you, "They will save themselves because they are to live a hundred years. Everything will unfold for them; the circumstances will take the right course. Don't give them that pill, don't interfere with them; their life will lead them down precisely the right road. This is a normal action, a normal movement forward. They aren't as ill as you think." People very often exaggerate, very often exaggerate the significance. This is very important: they exaggerate the significance of the person who is ill or isn't ill, greatly exaggerate the significance of certain things without fully understanding them.

What is the central point here? That the very concept of "rescuing" is false. The very concept of rescue in this case is false. What do you want to save them from? Their own fate? Imagine you understand that your husband is getting married, for example. Imagine. His wife—

AVAnna Volchek

My son, Sasha.

AVAlexander Volchek

Oh, your son is getting married, yes. His wife is an absolute creature from hell. It feels as if she kills people and eats them for lunch. You understand that your son is finished. Yet someone comes to you and says, "Anya, I told you ten years ago that he would have a wife at this age." You said, "Wonderful, thank you very much."

AVAnna Volchek

Who will eat him for lunch. Wait a moment.

AVAlexander Volchek

Not that she would eat him for lunch. She didn't tell you that. She shows you a photograph of the woman and says, "This is his fate." Now you say, "Can I save this person from his fate?" Because, look, you have your own inner understanding of what should be good and what should be bad. To understand all this, Anya—and this is why you keep wanting to stop me—we need to move on to the following. Why is someone to die at twenty? Why is someone to remain alone in life? Why remain alone? Why is someone's child to die? Why is someone to become disabled? All sorts of difficulties. If you believe there is a world, laws of the universe, some divine source, or God, something moving everything as an enormous number of things happen, then this is the natural course of events. What natural course? People are to live through certain events for certain reasons. Those reasons are described in different ways. Today's video isn't about that, though it is very important to explore and discuss why those reasons exist. For example, someone killed five people in a past life or put them in chains, and so on.

They did things for which they now bear responsibility. What's more—and pay attention, this is very important—their soul-spirit being originally chose it. It was a choice within the soul-spirit system. A choice. Then you come along and say, "I—"

You come along and say, "I want." You want to shift the person away from their fate, Anya, save them from their fate. It seems like rescue to you. But it isn't rescue; it is total manipulation.

AVAnna Volchek

Then I have a question.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes.

AVAnna Volchek

Honestly, I don't see why this is manipulation. In this case, you are acting out of ignorance, out of not understanding it. Why specifically the word "manipulation"? But my question is about something else. Does that mean any trouble is fate, for the other person and for you as well? The way this sounds—and I think everyone listening may get this impression—am I supposed to just sit in a chair and do nothing?

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, first, when I say manipulation, you say ignorance. That is a very standard thing people use. I really like the phrase "Ignorance does not exempt you from responsibility." Ignorance does not exempt you from responsibility.

AVAnna Volchek

But manipulation—

AVAlexander Volchek

There is a second point. Because you want to change a person's fate from your own ignorance, Anya. There you are. You want to manipulate everything that is happening. You want to change someone's fate because you decided things should be different. You decided a different way was right. But everyone, for example, will die. For some reason, you decided a different way was right. That is the first point. Number one. Number two—though it isn't a matter of one and two. Don't generalize everything. When you say, "Then should I do nothing?" I didn't say you should do nothing. I said the first thing to do is understand what is happening. Every problem, every illness, every difficult situation has a cause. Anya, everything has a cause. Everything always has a cause. There are cause-and-effect relationships in the physical, material world. There are cause-and-effect relationships in the social world, and in spiritual worlds, or actions arising from something caused here on the physical, material plane that also has spiritual aspects, because these things are connected. There is a connection. That is very important. There is a connection, cause and effect, a cause. Everything has a cause.

I am not saying whether the cause is good or bad, but there is a cause, Anya. If you believe and understand that some kind of balance exists, you understand that if something decreases here, something will increase elsewhere. Not necessarily now; perhaps in a hundred and fifty years. Or perhaps too much has already increased before, and now it needs to decrease. The first thing, of course, is to understand this question and look at what is actually happening. Is it happening because someone has seized another person's will or freedom—some energies, people, or events? Or because it is the natural course of the person's fate, the healthy, natural course? The only thing you can do, the only thing, is broaden your perception of everything happening: look at the picture more broadly, as a whole, as it really is. Second, help the other person perceive more broadly. Allow them, help them, to truly perceive what is happening. Mostly, people want to rescue someone so things won't be difficult for themselves. Mostly. Very many, Anya. I am by no means saying... An enormous, incredibly enormous number of people help others from the heart, sincerely, out of love, and so on.

But when we talk about rescuing, that is a basic structure of human selfishness. The very use of that idea: you use it and ask, "What do you mean here?" Because there is an ego-computer inside you. It is normal, natural, and something to approach calmly. Notice it, but by no means say, "I am sitting in a chair." Look at where and what really constitutes helping a person. Often, you need to help someone become aware of where they are. Anya, this is very hard. It is easy to talk about; doing it is very hard, but it is a fact. Someone close to me once had a very ill child. He came and said, "Sasha, why did this happen to me? I haven't done anything bad in this life." I told him, "There are other lives, other lives in which certain events happened. You are seeing a narrow picture." You can remain in that state, in endless stress, refusing to accept it. Or you can be in a state of acceptance and broaden your perception. That is what life is lived for: if a difficult event happens, Anya, it happens so you can live through it and perceive it as truthfully and fully as possible.

If you ask yourself, "Why is this happening to me?" ask not out of self-pity, but to understand why it is happening. I understand that physical pain, for example, can overwhelm any state of perception, and you won't be able to do anything. Just as, if a tiger appeared now, we would hardly keep walking and talking calmly, would we? I don't know how I would behave or how you would behave. They say to stand still calmly. But perhaps you would scream and run. Perhaps you would fall down, perhaps move toward it. You don't know. The same goes for me. It is very hard to predict what we would actually do. There are situations where physical pain prevails. But where it doesn't—and even there—you need to try to see broadly and genuinely perceive the truth. Truly perceive the truth.

AVAnna Volchek

To me, this sounds... I would say this off YouTube, but to me it sounds difficult for a listener to take in.

AVAlexander Volchek

Look at it for yourself. Is it difficult for you to take in?

AVAnna Volchek

Not anymore.

AVAlexander Volchek

There are plenty of intelligent people on YouTube. Don't worry about them; they will take it in easily too. There is always someone even smarter. The thing is, you yourself were taking it in with tension. With tension. This is new information for you in our conversation. You didn't ask the question because it was in a script. You asked it normally. You have the normal human understanding of a modern person in the twenty-first, twentieth century.

AVAnna Volchek

I wanted to say that, in the social world and in social life, this interpretation, recommendation, and perspective are very difficult to take in. It still seems to convey that not much depends on you and you can't help someone close to you when you see trouble or a problem.

AVAlexander Volchek

You can help them with what truly needs help. You can. Again, you—

AVAnna Volchek

Okay, but how—

AVAlexander Volchek

You are shifting it into the area of "First, as a personality, damn it, I need to control everything." I can tell you that I would be very glad to be fully aware of what I don't control. Anya, I would be incredibly happy. This is a very subtle point. You don't want that.

AVAnna Volchek

I would like that too. No, I would like it; I simply can't imagine how to do it.

AVAlexander Volchek

I would very much like to perceive and understand: here automatic processes are operating, here something else. What's more, I see no problem in it. Perhaps you would want that in order to control it, whereas I, Anya, am simply ready to perceive it. I don't need to control it. I have no desire to control those automatic processes, no desire at all to control things that happen automatically. If they are meant to happen, let them happen. That is the subtle difference, Anya. So when you say, "I can't help, I'm not in control, what should I do?" that is all ego. Ego. There it is, ego. Anya, there it is. Ego.

AVAnna Volchek

So then—

AVAlexander Volchek

Without any doubt, that is ego. Because I didn't tell you not to help the person. I just told you that you need to help them.

AVAnna Volchek

Then my next question is: can you bring this together and spell out how to help, how to act correctly, how to respond truthfully to the kind of situation we were discussing?

AVAlexander Volchek

Begin becoming aware yourself. Again, begin becoming broadly aware of what is actually happening. Do I want to save the person, or do I want to exercise some power and change their fate? And on the other hand—

Look at where I can help the person truly see the situation, if I can, if I have enough strength to do that at all.

UPUnidentified participant

How do you help them see the situation?

AVAlexander Volchek

Anya, well...

UPUnidentified participant

There isn't one answer?

AVAlexander Volchek

You see, there isn't one answer, Anya. You also need to learn to help yourself first, a great deal, in order to give another person the right advice. Give it out of love, Anya, always from the heart, always from the heart, constantly checking what you say. Do you really see truth in it, or is it manipulation? Do you truly understand what you are saying, or did you read it in a book and don't actually live it? This is a very important distinction: what you live and what you don't. Why did I shift the discussion of rescuing so easily? Because I live this. I live it. I have no other perception, so I have no conflict, no argument, because I live it. You also need to be very careful about conveying things to someone that you don't personally live, states you aren't in, things you don't personally feel. Often, you shouldn't interfere with those things. When you understand that you actually cannot help someone, that too is a kind of help, Anya. Don't intrude on them with it. Live truthfully and normally.

Then the answer will come. Look, then the answer will come, the right doctor will be found, interesting people will appear with recommendations and events. Something will appear that helps. Always, Anya, always: if someone acts truthfully, honestly, purely, genuinely out of love, real love rather than false preconceptions, something good will always appear. Always, Anya, absolutely always. What's more, you can work a miracle and save the person. But this isn't a question of changing fate, Anya, or of rescuing in terms of the social order. You were speaking about rescuing in terms of the social order. This is a different kind of rescue.