A new perspective on relationships that will scale you up 1000 times.

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, this is the foundation that needs to be the starting point for any examination of relationships. Without it, an enormous number of mistakes will follow in making decisions. How can I make the most truthful decision, the right decision, a real decision? Anya, you understand the point, don't you? That—

AVAnna Volchek

We always connect separation and the end of a relationship only with the relationship having been bad.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes!

AVAnna Volchek

As though, by default, it couldn't have been good if we decide to end it.

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, this is a very subtle point. I would even suggest that this is quite a difficult video to watch.

AVAnna Volchek

When you convey that, the decision about when to end the relationship, or whether to end it, will come on its own. How do you know it is time to leave a relationship, that it is toxic or abusive? Are there signs, indicators that the moment has come and it is really time to make that decision?

AVAlexander Volchek

We will move through some very important areas, further and further. When we examine long-term relationships, Anya, I always say very honestly, especially about marriage, that for me the word that comes is "sacred." It may be a difficult expression, but that is the word that comes. I always say it is very important to be extremely careful here, not only for me in what I say, but also for the person wanting to make a decision. There are people who act impulsively and spontaneously. In any situation, it is important to give time for reflection and lived experience, which I will describe today, to allow yourself to approach those reflections and experiences. Since our discussion is serious rather than superficial, I want to begin with why two people came together and remained in a long-term relationship. In most cases, there is a very strong reason for people coming together and staying together for a long time. In most cases. That reason lies outside this life.

It isn't simply because they went to school together or met at a party and things went from there. It is much more fundamental: why two people are married. I know with certainty that I am married to my wife because the reasons lie outside this life. When you become aware of that—you can feel it, know it for certain, or at least attune yourself to that perception, to that cause. What does my own existence mean in making decisions? When I know this, every decision I discuss or make is based on the reason we are together. Every time, no matter what. I will do that every time. It will be my foundation, not because we are married, but because we came together and are together, because there are deeper spiritual reasons. Anya, it is like meeting someone and talking with them for a week when, in fact, you have known them for decades in other lives.

You may wonder whether the person interests you, whether you should communicate with them at all. You can ask yourself those questions and think about them, but your relationship is already very deep, already very extensive. If people knew this, they would treat one another completely differently. Completely differently, and they would approach difficulties or other aspects arising in relationships differently. If every relationship has a reason why people came together, it also has a reason why they part. You have probably heard statements in physical astrology: "This person will have more than one marriage," or three marriages, or this marriage will end or won't end, or someone will never have a husband or wife, or will have one person beside them all their life. We understand perfectly well that a relationship can last an entire lifetime while the people suffer endlessly.

A relationship can also last ten years while the people live in complete joy and harmony. In any relationship, it is fundamentally important to understand that every relationship will end. I don't know how fully and honestly you recognize that it will end in any case. Our relationship as brother and sister will end; one of us will die. That is without even considering that, for reasons unknown to us, this could be the last time we see each other. Our relationship can also end simply because one of us dies. When people live together in marriage, they don't actually recognize this, because fundamentally a person doesn't recognize endings. That is how life works. They don't fully recognize that their life ends. At least they don't take it literally and seriously. I have seen enormous numbers of people who later came to me and said, "Alexander, we really don't realize that life is finite. You talk about it, then we sit and reflect and realize: life really is finite, but I don't live with that awareness. I don't understand it or inhabit it." So, when approaching whether to end a marriage, even when it doesn't need to end, it is important to perceive that every relationship will end.

That gives you a very strong, healthy, good position. Understanding both that there is a reason people came together and that every relationship will end allows a person to reach a state in which they can make the right decision at the necessary moment. That is what we are discussing. The question is: how can I make the most truthful decision, the right decision, a real decision? Then the next question always arises: what is truthful, and what is a right decision? Who says something is true or right? Do you see? Before we move to truth, what truth is, and genuine, precise knowledge, I want to ask you something. Can there be a relationship where both people live without manipulation, very harmoniously, out of love for each other, yet their relationship needs to end?

AVAnna Volchek

Yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

Why?

AVAnna Volchek

Because I accept that anything can happen.

AVAlexander Volchek

Because their path may unfold that way, right?

Where the people need to part. That situation can exist. It is a very subtle question: people in a very balanced position, in a good relationship, living in love for each other, can decide to part. When you understand that, you pause: wait, shouldn't I decide whether to part because the other person manipulates me? Should I decide whether to part because the other person is an alcoholic, hits me, constantly abuses me, or is a criminal? Shouldn't I also consider parting when there are no negative aspects? Anya, you understand the point, that—

AVAnna Volchek

We always connect separation and the end of a relationship—

We connect separation and the end of a relationship only with the relationship having been bad.

Of our own will, rather than because of—

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes. Some people, if they fire someone or stop communicating with them, always speak negatively about them, saying they were bad. Imagine I fired someone. I have fired a thousand people in my life. You fire someone and should say, "They were a really great person." Or someone leaves and you say, "They were a great person." Enormous numbers of people want to find something negative in it, a problem, Anya. This is a very subtle point. I would even suggest this is quite a difficult video to watch. From time to time, I have stopped communicating with certain people. When I came home or into a social setting, someone would ask, "What happened between you? Did you quarrel? What happened?" It is difficult to accept that you parted with someone who sincerely loved you and perhaps still does. Because if they sincerely loved you, they will continue to love you.

AVAnna Volchek

And whom you loved.

AVAlexander Volchek

And whom you loved and still love. You parted in love, Anya, in love. Not because of a problem, but because of love. It is simply a set of circumstances, as we discussed. You said, "Sasha, of course that can happen." It can happen.

AVAnna Volchek

I think that is quite difficult to acknowledge, especially in a relationship between a man and a woman, if we are speaking specifically about—

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, this is the foundation that needs to be the starting point for any examination of relationships. Without it, an enormous number of mistakes will follow in making decisions. There needs to be a very calm foundation, because people can part not only because of negative aspects. They can part because various situations have arisen.

AVAnna Volchek

Of course, someone may move or change their surroundings or interests, or their health may change.

AVAlexander Volchek

Something—

AVAnna Volchek

Anything at all.

AVAlexander Volchek

Something may happen. That is the first point, an enormous area. The next very important area in examining relationships, Anya, is understanding that every person develops, always develops. If you look at the enormous number of conflicts people have, they often say, "You used to be A, and now you're C. That is why we have a problem." A woman might say that to a man, for example.

AVAnna Volchek

We even have a video about this on your YouTube channel.

AVAlexander Volchek

There is a video on this. If you haven't seen it, watch it. You used to be one person and became another. People connect it to different things: taking a course or program, starting a new job, finding a new circle of friends. Different things. He didn't drink and started drinking. He ate and stopped eating. He didn't dress up and began dressing up. He wore yellow and started wearing black, and so on. Different things. Yet the person saying this doesn't clearly recognize that they have changed too. What's more, there is an interesting possibility, something remarkable that does happen: you think the other person has changed when, in reality, you have cha—

AVAnna Volchek

Changed even more.

AVAlexander Volchek

No, in reality you changed, and he hasn't changed at all in his social characteristics. Your perception of him changed. Have you never felt that? You have, haven't you? When you changed your perception of relationships, love for people, or manipulation of people, you began talking to people and looking at them: "Wait, were you always like this, or have you changed?" That is why it is very difficult to remember your past. If I ask, "Anya, how did you feel at eighteen?" you will reflect on a memory already modified by your different perceptions between eighteen and your current age. We won't name your age in the video. You look great. Not much time has passed between eighteen and now. Throughout that time, you have reflected on being eighteen and formed a particular position. It isn't easy to remember your actual state, Anya. Truly not easy to understand how you really felt at eighteen. So, when we ask whether to leave a relationship, whether it should finally end or end abruptly—

We need to understand the second area: everyone changes. Understanding that lets you look at the picture more broadly and ask what is actually happening in your relationship. Why was there a situation where you came together, perhaps loved each other incredibly strongly, lived in incredible joy, happiness, harmony, euphoria, love, and now you look at the person and they are no different to you from that black door or this table? You look and don't understand what is happening. There is no response to the person at all. What happened? How can that be? What is it? How is it possible? How can it happen at all? Directing attention toward yourself and the other person's development, with some reflection, lets you find a new, healthy focus. Again, step by step. First, I said you are connected. There was point one and one, a bonus: there is a reason you are together, along with understanding that your relationship can end at any moment.

The second major point is understanding that both people are developing, both people are developing, and recognizing the areas they are in and developing within.

AVAnna Volchek

Let me clarify something. Suppose we understand this and consciously approach the first and second areas we discussed, and realize the relationship is over or needs to end. But there is a huge fear of being alone, or constant doubts: what comes next? Doubts about the unknown. How do we work through that fear and doubt, cope with them, and stop being in them constantly?

AVAlexander Volchek

That is probably the third area we can examine, point three. This is why I began, Anya, by asking the reason you came together. One of the enormous problems is being afraid of making a mistake. We discussed this and said we would return to it: what is a true action? How do I make a decision as a true action if I part with this person now? I have heard many questions like that. Many women have come for advice: "If I leave now, will I have another relationship? Am I doing the right thing by parting, or is this some emotional outburst? Or some—"

AVAnna Volchek

Some kind of crisis.

AVAlexander Volchek

Some crisis, some particular inner experience I am going through, when the other person is actually absolutely right for me. One important thing here, Anya, is that a person would proceed not from their own desire, but from a true understanding of what is right for the other person. I understand this may sound difficult, because everyone wants joy and happiness for themselves when parting, don't they?

AVAnna Volchek

Generally, when someone begins thinking about this, they are usually thinking about themselves, not about needing to end the relationship for the other person's sake.

AVAlexander Volchek

There are people who do think that way, incidentally. I have met them. I don't know whether you have.

AVAnna Volchek

I have.

AVAlexander Volchek

You probably have too, right? There are people who sincerely, truly, genuinely think about the other person, from the heart. That is actually where we began: it is possible for both people to be in that state. One person can also understand that, for the other person—

Understand that, for the other person's sake, you shouldn't be together. Even if I may feel comfortable, it isn't the other person's life. They aren't living what they need to live. They suffer, dislike something, are constantly vulnerable or in confusing states. The question is whether I can change somehow so we can be together, or whether that is also impossible and the person needs to follow their own path. When I say to think beyond yourself, Anya, I don't mean thinking only about the other person. I mean stepping away from your own persona and thinking truthfully. Anya, you—

AVAnna Volchek

It is also like looking at yourself from the outside.

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course, Anya, because you are part of the truth too. By no means... Let me say it again. You can keep saying, "Then you are always thinking of others, so act like this." No, by no means. I am not saying you should think only about the other person. Think about yourself equally, please, but think truthfully. What is the real, right direction? There is no combination of advice, no checklist here. Do you understand? Those things don't exist here. Following and living through this sequence of actions does, of course, allow you to move forward enormously. I can offer another solution: begin talking with the other person about this, about these subjects too. We have discussed areas I would give attention to, and do give attention to in my own family. It doesn't matter whether you want to part; that is the whole point, Anya. Whether you want to part, are entering a relationship, are looking for someone, or live harmoniously or disharmoniously, you need to remain aware of these things.

If you remain aware of these things, it will always let you make the right decision for yourself. Always, absolutely, the right decision for yourself. This is such a problem, Anya. Sometimes someone comes to me for business advice: "Oh, Sasha, thank you so much. You helped me, you saw me," and so on. Something good happens for them, and they disappear. People come with a problem, resolve it, and disappear. They want to solve problems, not work on their own life and development.

AVAnna Volchek

I just thought that ending or preserving a relationship is always about living life. It isn't some final result or process—or rather, it isn't a final result; it is a process, actually living. How you live this life with another person.

AVAlexander Volchek

And how you live through your current state, each current day. I often give this advice when someone wants to leave a job: take the next three months and give yourself the task of coming to work from a state of joy. Simply joy and enjoyment, even if you are leaving. Enjoyment. Wait. Wait in joy. Can you imagine how important it is to make these decisions in a state of joy, Anya? Look, I am by no means talking here about relationships in which a man beats a woman at home or rapes her. Or where a woman is doing something wrong, and so on. But in most situations in life, it is possible to live through this in joy and, most importantly, with respect for the other person. There is such a thing as expressing love. We are filming different videos today and have discussed many subjects concerning love. At one point, since we had questions about love... Look, Anya, there is an interesting aspect of understanding love.

Imagine I fell in love with someone and lived with them for twenty years. I probably have love for them, that love between a man and a woman. Does that mean I have true human love for them, the love one has for other people?

AVAnna Volchek

If you have it for other people, you have it for them too. If you don't have it for other people, you don't have it for them either.

AVAlexander Volchek

That is a good, professional answer, of course. A very good answer, Anya. There are also various mixtures, aren't there? With one person it is a little easier, a little more. Different layers. But what have we noticed here? We came for lunch and are filming now. What important thing have we noticed? That there is love between a man and a woman, love in marriage, and there is love from one human being to another. There are women I sincerely love, and I can't do anything about it. There are men I sincerely love, and I can't do anything about it. But these aren't physical relationships or relationships between a man and a woman. This is real, honest, pure love. We have talked a lot about how wonderful it is to say kind, loving words to each other: a man to a man, a woman to a woman, to any woman, and so on, and be calm about it. If I tell another woman, "I love you," my wife goes, "Hold on!" "I don't love her under that checkbox; I love her under a different one." "Well, then love her under the other one. Love whoever you like under your spiritual checkbox, but love me especially, deep inside."

Even if you feel your inner personal relationship has disappeared, that there is no longer a relationship between a man and a woman in terms of living together, live through this period of awareness and being with the person in a state of love for them as another human being. Try to express that, try to be in it together. I guarantee you that if a person lives through this period with an understanding of what we have just described and, each time they meet the other person, tells themselves, "I remain in a state of love toward them, I still do..." Remember when we recently spoke with someone together? I told you, "Anya, today you are talking to this person and remaining only in a state of love. Whatever you think, forget everything you think; just remem—"

AVAnna Volchek

When you express that, the decision about when to end the relationship, or whether to end it, will come on its own.

AVAlexander Volchek

Bingo! Anya, life will definitely put everything in its place. Much love to everyone.