These 3 Mistakes Are Destroying Your Relationship Right Now

AVAlexander Volchek

Hello, everyone! You're on my channel—Alexander Volchek. Here we talk about scaling up and personal development. Today we're going to talk about relationships, about building ideal relationships. We'll start by looking at the fundamental reasons relationships fall apart. Not just falling apart, but getting into a situation where you live together for months and years and it's a huge, serious problem. It's an overwhelming feeling when you come home from work every day and feel bad, when you wake up in the morning and feel bad, and throughout the day you think, “Something's wrong. What do I do about it?” There are some very unobvious things you can do. That's what we'll look at today.

AVAnna Volchek

The most common reason relationships break down is excessive expectations of your partner. You hear that from a great many people. What can you say about that? What are these excessive expectations, and how do they show up?

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course, expectations are fundamentally a root problem in relationships. One of the fundamental problems is that those expectations haven't even been articulated or clearly defined. What does that mean? It means that when people get married, or enter a relationship at all, they haven't put their expectations into words for themselves. Even one person—I'm not even talking about the two of them not discussing it together. One partner hasn't formed their own expectations. In fact, if you tell yourself, or someone says, “My husband doesn't meet my expectations,” or “My wife doesn't meet my expectations,” your idea of those expectations now may differ enormously from the expectations you had in the beginning. The second underlying problem is that people haven't discussed those expectations with each other. Again, we'll get to what you can do to make a relationship genuine and sound. What can you do to bring harmony into it? What can you do to live from a state of wonderful, good relationships—kind relationships? So people haven't articulated their expectations or discussed them together. One person hasn't formed them, hasn't put them into words for themselves, and the other person hasn't articulated theirs either.

And they haven't discussed them together either, even just talked them through. That doesn't mean agreeing to them, but at least voicing them. What do you do when this problem exists? I'll explain in a moment, because we'll probably go through different problems, different causes of conflict. But when you look at expectations of your partner or yourself, you should at least recognize for yourself that these expectations are like inexplicable flashes. Twenty years ago, I didn't plan to be driving in the United States, in California. Right now I'm driving in San Francisco. I didn't plan to be a blogger and to record YouTube videos together for viewers, for new subscribers, for other people, for my private groups, and for my own future, in the sense of building up a body of material. So what are these expectations? Could my wife have expected our life to be private, for example, or, on the contrary, very public? How could you foresee that? It's an abstraction, an illusion. And it really is one of the biggest conflicts within a family. But we'll discuss the most important conflicts further on. Yes.

AVAnna Volchek

If we look specifically at inflated ideas and expectations, how can excessive expectations affect the emotional atmosphere of a relationship? Why is this mismatch with reality so often damaging and destructive to a relationship? Say I want my husband to be some kind of ideal: I don't know, getting up at the same time every morning, exercising, making forty-eight breakfasts, going to work, earning lots of money, bringing flowers home in the evening. You get the idea.

AVAlexander Volchek

The thing is, there is no such thing as excessive expectations. Every person needs to recognize that there is no maximum level of desire. It doesn't exist. There is no such thing as excessive expectations. What you've just listed is an absolutely normal way of life for someone. An absolutely normal way of life, completely natural. For me, for example, constantly buying flowers for the house is natural. So natural that no flowers I buy can be seen as something extraordinary. The question is how capable my wife is of loving that gesture every time I bring flowers or do something, regardless of what I've done. More than that, loving it even when I don't do it, when I don't bring flowers. The thing is, there's no boundary to excessive expectations. What boundary? “I want you to bring flowers.” “No, I want you to bring flowers three times.” “No, I want you to bring them sixteen times.” “No, I want you to bring me flowers that only grow in South Africa.” Or, “Tomorrow I want you to bring me flowers from New Zealand.” “I want this stone for a ring.” “No, I want a unique stone for a ring.” “No, I want a stone for a ring that belonged to Napoleon and was lost in the ocean.”

“I want you to find it.” We can keep thinking of greater demands indefinitely. “I want you to come home from work earlier. Earlier still. Come home even earlier.” “But you want me to work and come home earlier. How am I supposed to do that?” “Do it however you want.” There's no limit to the tension and the escalation of these things. There is no limit. So for one person, these are excessive expectations, while for someone else, they're completely unremarkable, no big deal. Just an ordinary action you pay no attention to. No attention at all. You don't even think about it. It isn't a problem for you. For example, a man might expect his wife to feed the children every morning, and someone would call that an excessive expectation. Anya, what do you think? Could it be an excessive expectation for a wife to keep feeding the children every single morning?

AVAnna Volchek

Well, suppose it could be.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes. Well, in my family—in my family, in my family—this isn't considered an excessive expectation. It isn't even an expectation; it's simply a fact, an ordinary norm, something that happens. More than that, I can't get my wife to stop cooking. There's something I find very difficult to resolve. I have four children; my oldest daughter is fourteen. My wife reads books to the children every evening. That means my wife has been reading books every evening for fourteen years. It's very important to understand that. She doesn't just read books every evening; she's been reading books to the children every evening for fourteen years. What do you think the atmosphere among the children is like? The fourth child, my daughter, doesn't listen to the book, of course. The third listens some of the time now. She's ten, but on the whole she listens. The boys, eight and four, listen to the books, of course. So she's been reading books to them for fourteen years. We even brought them here—we have thirteen hundred Russian-language books here in California. And I've raised this issue before. Look, could you call this an excessive expectation? Imagine a husband comes home and tells his wife, “You have to read.” She says, “Are you out of your mind? I don't want to read every evening.”

“I have my free time, my own wishes, everything else.” Imagine that—for someone, it would be an excessive expectation. Some of the men or women watching this video might say, “Oh, if I said that to my husband, it would be an excessive expectation. He'd say…” Or a man might say, “No, that's completely unrealistic.” His wife would say it's an excessive expectation. That's what's going on inside. But I can't get my wife not to read books. I ask her, “Could you not read to them?” You'll ask why. Because I personally want to have time with my children then. That's why. But my wife can't give up reading books. She says, “No, I can't. I'll keep reading books the way I always have.” Sometimes she tells me, “Go and read to them if you want.” I go into the room, and the children say, “Dad, are you going to read to us? No, could you please not read to us? We're waiting for Mom to read us a book.” I've tried a couple of times, done something. It isn't easy for me. It's hard for me. For her, it's a breath of air and life; for me, it's hard. It's really hard for me when I start reading a book.

It's hard for me. I start joking, laughing, making up stories. So the next time I come to read them a book, the children say, “Dad reads it wrong somehow. It isn't the real thing.” There's an example of a completely reversed picture. In one family, it's excessive; in another, it isn't. So “excessive expectations” or “low expectations” are something people have made up, an illusion. Some people love endless intimacy and sex. Just endlessly. It's impossible for the woman, or impossible for the man. Other people don't need it at all. Categorically, they simply don't. Once a month, or once every two weeks, or once every two months, or every three months. They simply don't need it. Or they do it only for their partner. They don't need it, while for someone else, it's as necessary as life, as food. They can't get rid of it; everything inside, their whole being, is constantly burning up. They can't manage it. How can you even articulate those expectations to each other? And then, suddenly, the whole arrangement changes. A person enters a new phase of life—and people's phases of life do change. New feelings, new activities, new things appear. What do you do with that?

For example, I used to drink alcohol, and then I stopped drinking. I remember a particular moment very clearly. My wife isn't an alcoholic, of course, but she might have some champagne or wine. I remember a very specific moment when she'd sometimes say, as a form of manipulation, “You were reasonable when you drank.” It's a strange thing to say, because—

It's a strange thing to say, actually. Why did she say it? Because it's hard to deal with someone who has changed a pattern of their behavior. And clearly, when I drank alcohol, I really was a completely different person. Radically different. Was I reasonable at that time? Hardly. It was very easy for me to show her that I hadn't been.

AVAnna Volchek

Let's talk about another reason people very often name when we discuss relationships breaking down: control and jealousy. How do we know when we've gone beyond what's reasonable in wanting to control or possess another person? Where are the boundaries, and when do control and jealousy really start to destroy things? How does that show up?

AVAlexander Volchek

Possessing another person, wanting to possess another person—the very desire to possess another person—is a fundamental problem in relationships. It's something terribly destructive. Of course, you need to know how to address this, and how to address it from both sides: if you see this pattern in your partner, your husband or wife, or if you're the person living from that position of possession and wanting to own someone. It certainly isn't easy to deal with. You need to understand how to interact with these people and what to do with them. Possessing another person isn't just some expectation. It's the belief that if two people get together, the other person belongs to me. Belongs to me completely. Some relationships allow absolutely no freedom. “We have to make decisions together as a family, share a budget, spend absolutely every day together, reach agreements together.” That's one issue. But it's worst when one person wants something from the other and the other doesn't want it. When someone says, “I think you should do this. I think this is how our family is going to be.” Then the part involving jealousy of other people comes in, and that's very complicated.

For example, because of the life I lead, I talk with a great many women. I have many different consultations—I'll just call them consultations—both about business and in meetings about spiritual development, life, and personal development. There are a great many women there. Often, there are women. Or I have female friends with whom I discuss things I don't discuss with another person. One of the main reasons for jealousy is that your partner does something with someone else that they don't do with you. That's one of the deepest reasons for jealousy. People often see physical infidelity as the cause of jealousy, for example. There are no questions there, right? No questions at all. But if we look at what's really going on, imagine my wife discussing the children's development or her professional development with another man, but not discussing those subjects with me. Let's imagine that. Or imagine me discussing my professional development or my health with a woman, but not discussing it with my wife. That's the most important, fundamental cause of jealousy.

Otherwise, you can get completely confused about jealousy and fail to understand why it happens at all, what it is. Everyone should pay attention to this. It's a key, a golden key: jealousy arises because of this. This is the central mechanism. We're all used to thinking jealousy is exclusively about physical infidelity. They cheated, and that's that. Of course, there's also nonphysical infidelity. Someone is jealous because their wife went to a restaurant with someone—to a restaurant—or looked up at someone, looked at them, or met someone else, wore the wrong clothes, or something else. Received messages from someone that she shouldn't have received, of a sexual or romantic nature. But fundamental jealousy actually arises when your wife, for example, does something with another man that she doesn't do with you. Basic, simple things. Just taking a walk, for example. She hikes with someone else, but you don't hike. She goes to the gym with someone else, but not with you. She draws with someone else, but not with you. She rides horses with someone else, but not with you.

But the problem here isn't that another person exists. It's remarkable. What, ultimately, are you jealous of? There are two sides to this. To understand it, you have to look at both sides. On one side, you're jealous of the other person: she does it with them, but not with me. So the other person can, and I can't. That means I'm worse than the other person. That's one side, right? I'm worse than the other person. On the other side, very often—very often—this jealousy is based not on being worse than that other person, but on being worse than, say, my wife, or worse than my husband. It's remarkable, but that's often how it is. Say the husband draws and she doesn't. She connects it with him drawing with another woman and talks about that, while in fact she's comparing herself to her husband. What comes into it here? What element? Comparison. In this whole picture, we simply mustn't forget that. One of the problems is comparison. It's one of the enormous problems in family relationships. Perhaps it would be a separate reason on this list.

It's people comparing themselves with each other. Constantly comparing who's better and who's worse. Who's better and who's worse at home? The husband is better, and who's worse? We're discussing jealousy right now, of course. And when it comes to jealousy, this is one of the fundamental reasons.

AVAnna Volchek

What should you do if one partner feels this constant jealousy or distrust from the other, this endless pressure? What signs should you pay attention to in order to recognize that something really needs to change?

AVAlexander Volchek

First, you need to understand the reason for the jealousy. Is the cause you yourself, or another person? That's very important. It's the number one task: understand who's triggering the jealousy. Am I triggering it, or is it the other woman I'm talking with? Who is the trigger? Imagine I meet a woman and go hiking with her, and she's—I'll use the word “frump” purely for this video. I certainly don't regard a woman as a frump. Then I meet another woman. She's incredibly beautiful, with a full bust and well-cared-for skin. A real beauty. And her Instagram is incredible. At that point, of course, everyone will say, “Well, it's obvious what triggered it. You shouldn't meet people like that. You shouldn't take piano or English lessons with people like that.” I remember learning French about twenty years ago. I was a project manager at a French company, and my French boss was learning Russian with a female teacher. I went to that teacher to learn French solely because of how she looked. I wanted to go to that teacher. I think my boss went to her and studied Russian for the same reason.

But it was obvious. You know how that happens. Of course, that can be seen as an external cause. But you need to understand whether it really is the cause, or whether the cause is that I do this with that person and don't do it at home with my wife. I do it with that person and don't do it with my husband. I discuss it with that person and don't discuss it with my husband. What, then, is the source of irritation? It turns out the source isn't the other person; it's you yourself. So when you ask what to do when it goes beyond every limit, identify the cause. Depending on who is the source of irritation, what the source is, what triggers a particular state, you'll find your answer. Often, it's actually a third person: a female friend who plants the idea that your husband is cheating on you, or a male friend who suggests your wife is behaving indecently, or a video, or someone else. Often, the situation itself isn't even what's triggering you. Another person is the source, constantly creating this for you. You sit with them all day. If you sit with them at work all day, they'll talk about it all day.

At some point, I'd probably start believing my wife could be cheating on me too, if I heard about it or discussed it every day. You start thinking about it, you know. Thoughts start appearing. You need to understand where these thoughts come from at all. Who created them for me? What are they? You have to understand the source. The source. Once you understand the source, you take different kinds of action. If the source is you yourself, that's something you should try to talk through and discuss with the other person. That's where discussion comes in. If the source—

If the source is that I myself irritate this person—they don't allow themselves something that I allow myself—then just start paying attention to that. Understand that I'm causing my husband pain by taking up drawing because he can't allow himself to do it. Pay attention to it; don't flaunt it. Just noticing it for yourself will already be a powerful step. But suppose a husband is upset that his wife draws with another man, and that makes him jealous. Notice that often it isn't her drawing with another man that bothers him. He may be bothered by her spending a lot of time with a female friend and be jealous of that friend. Again, why? Because she's spending time with her and not with him. Then start spending more time with your husband. Start discussing it. Start being in this together.

AVAnna Volchek

Are there combinations that are actually dangerous for a person, that really—

AVAlexander Volchek

There are dangerous ones, and there are combinations that can't be resolved. Some people think they own the world. Some people will never get rid of this desire to possess. Some people will never change their stance and recognize that you have to let another person go, give them freedom. Some people will never be able to do that. I had an interesting example just yesterday. A woman I know wrote that the CEO of her company had initially agreed to certain terms, then came back six months later and said, “You know, I don't agree to those terms after all.” This woman, who's quite close to me, put it this way: “I categorically disagree with that. How can someone behave like that?” That's the desire to possess another person. I told her, “The first thing you need to do, before deciding what to do about this CEO, is understand that this CEO has the right to do that. She's free; she has the right to do it.” Some people will never understand that another person has that right. So of course there are critical situations.

AVAnna Volchek

There's another reason I'd like to look at, something you often hear from people who have split up. Let's call it the balance of taking and giving. “I gave him everything, and he only consumed.” Or, “I did everything for her every day, for all twenty years of our life together. She only took and never gave anything back.” Is there any balance at all, or is it an illusion? Why is it important in a relationship? When we talk about taking and giving, what are we exchanging?

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course, that's one of the fundamental foundations, and it's a cause—the primary cause of expectations and the primary cause of jealousy. What you're saying about taking and giving is one of the fundamental foundations. People enter relationships and want to agree on some kind of exchange within them, but they don't reach that agreement. If we're looking at taking and giving, and someone says it's a lot or a little, sign a contract. But we understand that it's impossible to sign that kind of contract in life. What does taking and giving mean? How do we exchange a woman looking after the children at home, for example, for a man working? How do we balance it? And how much does he earn? Is ten thousand dollars equal? Someone will say no. A hundred thousand dollars? That's equal. What about ten million dollars? Isn't ten billion dollars more? If someone says you can't put a monetary value on the work of caring for children, I'll say, “Then how are we going to compare it at all?” Fine: what about four children? Five children? Six? Seven? Ten? Twelve? Who took and who gave? Who allowed this to happen? If we move into looking at it objectively, if we genuinely examine giving, you need to understand that even if you raise this question for yourself to investigate—or someone mentions it, or, as you just said, Anya, it's often a problem when people split up—the first thing to do is at least genuinely start measuring it.

Are you actually ready to discuss it and measure it? Measure every aspect of it? Next: even if you've measured everything, are you ready to discuss it with your partner and reach an agreement? You have to agree together. If you're talking about a balance of taking and giving, then you need to sign a contract setting out that balance, right? And if you need to sign a contract, someone might not agree.

AVAnna Volchek

But we understand that it's impossible.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes! But one person goes to work for two hundred dollars a month, while another doesn't want to work for ten thousand dollars a month. Why does that happen? Because everyone has different desires, different rules, different circumstances. When we look at deep development, genuine personal development, we really should ask ourselves at the very beginning: “Am I capable of living without keeping score? Of categorically refusing, under any circumstances—and this is a decision, a fundamental decision—to calculate who gave more and who gave less?” Because it's a question that can't be resolved. You just said yourself that it can't be resolved, so there's no point in getting into it at all. It's a big problem; it really is a problem. It's endless discussion about who praises whom, who gives how much to whom, what thoughts I have about it. I have those thoughts too.

AVAnna Volchek

How can you support someone, then? I don't want to use the word “advice,” but what could you advise when one partner feels they're giving all the time, and…

AVAlexander Volchek

That partner who feels they're giving all the time should start by looking at how they're assessing it, and how reasonable their assessment of “giving all the time” is. How capable are they of really perceiving the other person when making that assessment? And ask yourself: “Did I get married so that the other person would give to me, or not? What was the reason?” The thing is, if your marriage was based on marrying a man who buys you a Chanel bag every month, pays for vacations, and gives you all kinds of presents—if that's how it was from the beginning—of course you'll demand that he keep giving. Anything at all may be happening in his life, but that was the original reason for your connection, for the two of you being together.