This Video Will Free You from Limiting Beliefs Forever

AGAnna Gurina

Sasha, so many people are interested in psychology now, and they constantly talk about limiting beliefs. I'd like to look at this from a spiritual perspective and answer some of the questions people have. Where do negative beliefs come from? People often ask whether they come from childhood, trauma, or their parents.

AVAlexander Volchek

Where do negative beliefs come from? When I hear “from your parents,” I have an opening thought. This is a huge subject, and, as we were just discussing, many people love negativity: watching it, talking about it, debating it. If you believe a problem in your life came from your mother or father, consider that your mother's problem may have come from her mother or father, and so on up the chain. People want to shift the blame rather than truly understand the situation. If you start blaming someone else, you will not work through the problem. That is why your question matters: why are we asking it in the first place? Do we truly want to understand because that is honest and fair to other people, and true to life? Or do we want to identify a cause, transfer our own responsibility to it, and say, “This has nothing to do with me. It isn't my life, my karma, or my fate”?

We want to shift responsibility for the negative thing that happened. Why do people talk about fate? Often they want to pin something negative on fate—on something other than themselves. When we look at negative events, there are probably two areas to examine. First, why does a person call the event negative at all? Second, did the event happen within that person's awareness? Did they understand it? Did they bring it about themselves, observe it happening, or understand its causes and consequences? Or did it happen automatically, without them understanding what it was? Suppose someone was delivered with forceps and injured during birth, and a negative event took shape for them. I am talking about that person, who was hardly acting on their own at the time.

They were not taking the action themselves; someone outside them caused the effect. It seems they were not influencing it. But first, let's return to what a negative event actually is. One of my teachers said something interesting: when he encountered Vedic astrology, he realized there is always something worse. An event that is negative for one person can be a joy to another: “Could that happen to me, please?” People are often in a bad situation and say, “Things are so terrible.” Ten years later, things are a thousand times worse, and they say, “Can I go back?” That would now be happiness. Many systems of manipulation work this way. People describe some enormous negative prospect, then carry out only a small part of it, and we feel things are generally all right. For example, they say they will bomb an entire city, then bomb one particular facility. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief: “Whew, we escaped the worst.” But perhaps that facility was their target all along. They simply presented the situation against a much worse prospect.

What does a person perceive as negative in the circumstances? How do they decide whether an event is good or bad? A child gets sick. Is that good or bad?

AGAnna Gurina

Bad, of course.

AVAlexander Volchek

What if it is only a mild illness—a little runny nose?

AGAnna Gurina

There is nothing positive about it either way.

AVAlexander Volchek

Could it be neutral?

AGAnna Gurina

Well, you could find an upside: the child is developing immunity.

AVAlexander Volchek

There, look.

AGAnna Gurina

Cells and so on, yes. We can find something.

AVAlexander Volchek

You can even find an upside, or say it is no big deal. If a child gets sick and dies, that is terrible. What if the child has a fever of forty-one degrees Celsius, it is brought down, and the child recovers? We say, “It wasn't so terrible after all.” Perhaps it was frightening while the child was ill, but not once the illness was over. If the child died, the terrible feeling seems to remain—at least while people remember them. Everyone is eventually forgotten, but while they are remembered, that circumstance remains. There is always a criterion for calling an event negative. Why am I drawing attention to this? Something may seem negative when you look at it, while in reality it is not quite so negative. Take the illness example you gave: if children and adults never got sick, they would not develop certain immunity, and under other circumstances the outcome of an illness might be much worse. Some bad events bring benefits.

At this point people always say, “Aha! We told you negative events have to happen for life to develop and for you to live well.” That is not what I am saying. I am asking whether an event we call negative really is negative. The issue is evaluation, not experience. People break up and call it a negative event. Later, they find new partners and say, “Thank goodness we split up and met other people. We're happy now.” Or someone loses a job, loses their income, and has nothing to live on. But leaving that job leads them to accept another offer, which puts their life on a steady course and brings decades of happiness and harmony in their professional work. They say, “I'm so glad I left.” At the time, though, it was a negative event. To evaluate positive and negative events, you need a broad range of perception. I have a mentoring program called V100—you can read about it, by the way.

We always leave links under the videos. It is very straightforward and costs only fifty dollars a month to participate. One woman in the program wrote, “Things are going so badly; I need to develop my company.” She sees herself as an unsuccessful business owner. Someone offered her an opportunity to coach other people, and she said, “I'm probably not worthy of coaching anyone, because I'm closing my company.” I said, “Wait. A year and a half ago, you were offered a million dollars for this company—more than a million, in fact. You turned it down and decided to keep developing the business. Had you sold it then, you would have considered yourself successful, even though you had less experience than you do now. You would have said you were a successful entrepreneur.” She lives in St. Petersburg, and it would have been a substantial amount of money for her. “You would have been a successful entrepreneur. Now, just a year and a half later, you're closing the company and calling yourself unsuccessful. Isn't that strange?”

It is very strange when you look at the events. Was that earlier event negative, or is this one? Perhaps this event is positive, because we cannot see what lies ahead in her life. Maybe she was not supposed to sell. Selling might have started another phase that would have led to losing twenty million dollars—for example, by starting another business. I know many people who made and saved a lot of money, invested it in businesses, and lost everything, even ending up in debt. It is interesting. Did that happen so they could go through a particular experience? Had they originally earned the money in some unusual way? Did something change in their karmic fate? Were they lucky the first time, then lost the money by acting from their head? Or did they follow their heart then, or their head then and their heart this time? What was the cause? And, again, was it a negative event? Someone is fired, does not go to work, and the building explodes. Was being fired negative or positive?

What was that event? What happened? This is the first thing to consider with negative events, because looking for their source is a separate, enormous subject. There is a whole range of possible sources and chains of cause and effect.

AGAnna Gurina

Sasha, where do negative beliefs come from, though?

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes. There is an interesting point here. There is...

...a series of events that we consider negative, and a person forms particular beliefs on that basis. For example, “If I was born in this country, I won't make money.” Or, “All the husbands in my family died before their wives, so mine will, too.” Or, “Children died before their parents, so the same will happen again.” People connect different factors and invent ideas. These come from the person's basic assumption that everything is governed scientifically, and from their lack of foresight. At the same time, there are negative beliefs that genuinely work. If we call certain things negative, some things really will lead to negative outcomes. Imagine a pit ten meters across. You believe that if you jump only nine meters, you will die. That is a perfectly reasonable belief. Or there is a tall building, and you know that...

AGAnna Gurina

That is not a belief; it is logic. A limiting belief is something that continually prevents you from moving forward.

AVAlexander Volchek

That is an interesting point. A negative belief can also help you move forward. This matters.

AGAnna Gurina

A negative...

AVAlexander Volchek

You just said something interesting: if someone jumps from a building, they will crash to the ground. You call that logic.

AGAnna Gurina

Of course.

AVAlexander Volchek

Then name a negative belief that does not involve logic.

AGAnna Gurina

Suppose someone betrayed you, and you say, “Everyone is a traitor. I trust no one.” That is a negative belief. Based on one past experience, you extend it to your whole life: “I trust no one.”

AVAlexander Volchek

But that also has a logic, just as people know that jumping from the fifth floor is likely to kill them. No—let's say the fiftieth floor will kill them, the fifth may break their body, and the first will probably do them no harm. Why do you call that logic? The person's other belief has exactly the same kind of logic. The difference is that one account has more evidence and the other less. You know there are cases of people falling from the fiftieth floor and surviving. Circumstances can turn out differently. As for deception: if everyone lies, everyone lies. If people have lied to me, could I keep meeting and living among people who, for the most part, endlessly deceive me? And could someone live among people who never deceive them?

AGAnna Gurina

Yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

Is it possible?

AGAnna Gurina

Of course. But usually, if someone holds that belief, they will keep meeting people who deceive them.

AVAlexander Volchek

Honestly, how many beliefs like that do you think you have?

AGAnna Gurina

Quite a lot.

AVAlexander Volchek

Negative and positive beliefs. How many positive ones do you have?

AGAnna Gurina

A lot of those, too.

AVAlexander Volchek

There are a million different positive and negative beliefs. It is not merely a question of beliefs, but of our understanding of cause and effect, our awareness of life, and our ability to examine things properly. “I'll sign my child up for activities at ten, and then...” What will happen then? You say it is important for your children to study math now. Why?

AGAnna Gurina

To support them.

AVAlexander Volchek

How?

AGAnna Gurina

In their development.

AVAlexander Volchek

What kind of development?

AGAnna Gurina

If they struggle with math, for example, I support them by providing additional tools to help them learn.

AVAlexander Volchek

Why? What for?

AGAnna Gurina

Do you mean in the long term? Well, so it is easier for her to do her schoolwork.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes.

AGAnna Gurina

So she understands math and learns how to understand it.

AVAlexander Volchek

And why else? School becomes easier, she learns to understand—but why must school be easier? What if it is difficult for her to understand? What if the teacher is setting something else in motion? What if her fate calls for her to struggle with understanding now, and experience that now rather than later? What if she needs to go through something difficult right now? It is hard to be the mother of a child who is having a difficult experience. “Could you please not go through this now? Go off on your own later and go through it then.” Why am I asking what it is for? What difference will it make whether math is easy or difficult for someone? What is the basis of this? You have a belief: if a child struggles at school, send them to a tutor. That is a contemporary belief. Where has it led? Children are sent to tutors before they can even walk.

AGAnna Gurina

Mm-hmm.

AVAlexander Volchek

People cannot bring themselves not to send a child to a tutor. “How could I not?” Or, “How could we not go away in the summer?” People are so fixated on it. I live in California, and sometimes people—especially Russian speakers—say, “You have to leave California in the summer; there's nothing to do here.” I look at them and wonder why. I lived in Moscow for twelve years, and people there said, “You have to leave Moscow in the summer.” Why? Moscow has its best weather in summer, less traffic, and wonderful walks. It is a fantastic city, with long days and plenty of light. Could I leave in autumn, spring, or winter instead? Could I leave when it is not at its best? That is a belief. “The whole family absolutely must go on vacation together.” My wife has that belief.

AGAnna Gurina

But that does not stop you from living. Some beliefs really do prevent you from...

AVAlexander Volchek

Why? Who says it gets in the way?

AGAnna Gurina

...moving forward.

AVAlexander Volchek

“First earn money, then have a child” is a belief. You say that does not get in your way. But doesn't it interfere with life?

AGAnna Gurina

That is not a negative belief. A negative belief has a particular negative coloring...

AVAlexander Volchek

That is interesting, because I consider it a very negative belief.

AGAnna Gurina

As someone who has had children, I understand that it is nonsense. But it is a limiting belief rather than a negative one. All right, there are limiting beliefs: “I'll earn money now and have a child later” limits a person. Then there are negative beliefs, like, “I don't trust men because I've been betrayed.”

AVAlexander Volchek

But it is the same thing. That also creates something negative.

AGAnna Gurina

In general, anything that limits you is negative, I suppose?

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course. But we are speaking abstractly here, because perhaps you should not trust anyone. Someone says, “I trust no one.” Why? “Because the whole world lies.” Anya, we live in the twenty-first century, a time when everyone around us lies. How often do people lie to you every day?

AGAnna Gurina

I wouldn't even want to know.

AVAlexander Volchek

Well, take a quick glance at it.

AGAnna Gurina

All right, CNN and Fox News always lie.

AVAlexander Volchek

What about the people around you? How much do they lie? And why say Fox News lies? Plenty of what they say is not a lie; they do not always lie. Why CNN and Fox News? You've ruled out both opposing channels.

AGAnna Gurina

Of course, what they say...

AVAlexander Volchek

Some of it is true and some is a lie, but the lies are staggering. Presidents in every country lie and say whatever they like. So many bloggers who discuss the news lie, repeating the people who lied before them. They discuss it and then lie themselves, endlessly. Lots of scientists lie. First they say something is proven; twenty years later they say, “We've found new evidence.” Doctors say, “We have research,” then, “It turns out that research was wrong. There's new research.”

AGAnna Gurina

Even AI lies.

AVAlexander Volchek

Everything lies. Not “even AI”—AI is built on people, at least as it exists now. We live in a world of lies. Why is knowing that everyone around you lies a negative belief? Saying everyone tells the truth is also a negative belief. I used the example of your children and math because you see that as a positive belief. But I consider it a negative one for you, because we have known each other a long time and I know your approach to your children. You say they must get into a good educational institution, and you need to work toward that now. If a child struggles with math, you think, “How will they get in?” But is entering that institution part of this person's fate? Is it necessary for their real happiness and life? That is a big question. From my perspective, your belief is negative. From your perspective, it is not.

For you, Anya, it is not a negative belief. You consider it a correct, positive way of thinking. This matters: the very same belief can be positive or negative depending on the person and circumstances. It also depends on the time. If...

AMAlexander Mashrabov / Alexander Volchek

It also depends on the time. Let's go back thirty years—no, let me think: forty-five years, back to Minsk before I was born. My parents had certain beliefs about having children. Did they believe they had to buy an apartment for their children to have happy lives? “Of course.” Of course not. “How could they not?” Because nobody owned their apartment in the Soviet Union. “Oh, right. To have housing, then.” Housing, yes. “They didn't own it.” Exactly. That matters: you did not have to own it. “Before privatization.” Of course. Now, do you feel you need to own an apartment here? “Not anymore.” What about five years ago? “Very much so.” Five years ago you did; now you do not. What changed? Anya changed. Just five years have passed. Fifteen years ago people would say, “Look at that rigid old Europe and its young people. They don't even need their own apartments anymore...”

“Where will that lead? Look at those strange parents who don't care about their children. They think only of themselves instead of saving up for apartments for their children, buying them, and making arrangements in advance.” Beliefs also depend on the time you live in. When we discuss negative beliefs, the first thing to do is examine your own belief, not look for excuses for how it arose. People immediately want to blame their mother, father, friends, acquaintances, or bad experiences. “Trauma.” Yes, childhood trauma. Are there women who were raped as children and later have a normal attitude toward men? Yes. And there are women who were not raped as children but have received a karmic impulse with the force of having been raped a hundred times. They cannot be with a man at all, yet people do not believe them. The suffering is enormous. What matters is understanding the cause: why did this happen, and where did the impulse really come from? Only that allows you to study the issue in detail and then work through it—or not.

Then there is another question: does it need to be worked through? With the math example, where should you look? Should you work on the math issue, or ask, “What genuinely matters for my child's future? Am I using one negative belief to impose fifty-six new ones on my daughter, my other daughter who watches her, my mother, friends, and husband? Are my husband and I creating more problems for each other and ourselves, all from a single idea about how our child should move forward?” What does the child really need? That is the question—not university, the number of children in the family, or happy or unhappy relationships. What does this particular child truly need? “To follow their own path.” Yes. Does that path have anything to do with... “But sometimes we can't see it.” Wait, before we talk about not seeing it: does that path have anything to do with Stanford right now? “We don't know.” Exactly. It could or could not, equally, because we do not know.

Does it have anything to do with the math being studied now? “Of course not.” That is important. No, not to begin with. This is not a matter of saying, “We don't know; perhaps...” We start from no. Then at least we act from that position when we send our children to math lessons. My two daughters study math, too, but our approaches are a little different. The impulses behind them are different. I do not send them to math so school will be easier or so they can get into university—those are secondary considerations. I do it at a particular age. There are ages when I do not send them: you know my boys do not study math, and my nine-year-old son is not being taught it. There is a reason. I know boys should not be taught math too early. I know the causes and consequences of why boys, and girls as well, should not study math before a certain age.

That is why I do not send them. Could that be a negative belief? Perhaps. Then we should examine the basis on which I act. I am acting out of my own fear. Why do you want your child to study at Stanford? “I don't specifically want Stanford. It would be great, but...” Some good educational institution. There is another problem: when you want this, you communicate it. If it does not happen, you will burden your daughter with... “Yes, I understand.” Quite an issue. Anya, I am not saying you are a bad mother or anything of the kind. We are examining why we take particular actions. So I suggest we all approach negative beliefs this way...

UPUnidentified participant

Let me add something, because this interests me. I was often told I was too kind, too open, too trusting, too honest—and that all of that meant being poor. I wonder where those ideas come from. Frankly, many people in Russia were taught them.

AVAlexander Volchek

“If you're kind, you're poor,” or, “You're too honest.” Where did that idea come from? It is a question of culture: your family, city, people, country, or the society or community you live in. The church you attend, the club you belong to, the videos you watch on TikTok—all shape that culture and attitude. Why that particular attitude? What formed it? In one place, kindness is associated with poverty; in another country, people may believe that kindness goes with wealth. These are beliefs that have taken shape. You need to bring them up, examine them calmly, and ask why people formulated them and on what basis. When you do, many beliefs turn out to have a basis. In a particular company or society, being kind may prevent you from earning money. Those may be the rules there. With certain construction work and certain workers, for example, someone once told me, “If I don't swear at these workers, the project won't get built.”

Those are the accepted rules in that particular place. It does not mean everyone everywhere needs to swear, or that every construction site in the world operates that way. We understand that. It depends on the particular setting. At your job, perhaps you have to kneel before the boss, wait ten hours in their office, wear a tie, button your shirt, or, conversely, have disheveled hair. Different places have different expectations. What matters is not deceiving yourself. Anya's belief about math comes from a particular society and a particular type of person. When she talks to me, I offer a different perspective on motherhood. She does not want to discuss it with me because she does not want to part with that belief. What happens when you give up a belief?

What happens when you give up “If you're from Irkutsk, you won't make money,” or, “If you have ADHD, you won't make money or find a wife”? What happens when you let go of “I must earn money before I can have children”? You have to act differently. It is much easier to live with a familiar belief. “Following the old script?” Yes. Yesterday in the car we were discussing our parents visiting us. It is easier to live according to established circumstances and keep doing the same thing. Everything else takes work; you have to figure it out. Then we would have to sit down and say, “It turns out we don't really know how to raise a child. You don't understand what is happening in your daughter's elementary or middle school. I'll ask five questions and you'll realize you don't understand it at all. Then I'll ask a hundred, and you'll realize you know nothing about the education system: where it leads, its parameters and circumstances, which systems they use, how the teaching model works, which specific skills it develops, how many people it was assessed on, what it will do to the child's health, and so on.”

It is a very difficult process to understand. It is much easier to say, “We'll surround ourselves...”

“We'll surround ourselves with actions one, two, three, four, and five, just so we're doing something.” Do you know the hardest thing about negative beliefs? Switching off the belief and doing nothing. Doing nothing is the hardest part. Bingo! Everyone says doing nothing is nonsense, impossible. But honestly, some actions are better left undone. You simply should not add them. It would have been better if they had never happened. You did not need that experience; it was not fate. It was rubbish you generated and dumped on your child, husband, wife, or yourself. You could have avoided doing it. But we are afraid of not acting.

AGAnna Gurina

Suppose we have recognized a strong limiting belief and clearly see that it is getting in our way. We accept that.

AVAlexander Volchek

For example?

AGAnna Gurina

Sasha's example, for instance: kind people don't make money.

Good people don't make money.

Suppose I understand that it is getting in my way. Logically, I know it is nonsense, but it really does hold me back. From my own experience, I understand that...

AVAlexander Volchek

So you think you earn little money because you are kind?

AGAnna Gurina

Not me! I mean someone else, for example. Do you want...

AVAlexander Volchek

I'm talking about...

AGAnna Gurina

Do you want my own example?

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course.

AGAnna Gurina

All right, let's take one of my limiting beliefs.

AVAlexander Volchek

One you have examined.

AGAnna Gurina

One I have examined?

AVAlexander Volchek

You said, “If we examine it.” You are asking the question.

AGAnna Gurina

I meant to ask how to move forward once we know it is getting in our way. What do we do next?

AVAlexander Volchek

If you understand that it is getting in your way, you need to decide what comes next.

AGAnna Gurina

Decide what?

AVAlexander Volchek

The point is not simply that it gets in your way. If you understand that a limiting belief is an illusion, untrue, a lie—whether positive or negative—and you understand where it leads, then you will not go on living by it.

AGAnna Gurina

People start repeating affirmations and using positive thinking: “I am smart and rich, I am smart and rich,” every day. They start trying to...

AVAlexander Volchek

Someone repeats “I am smart and rich” not because they believe kind people cannot make money, but because they lack confidence. That is one layer of it. They have no money and tell themselves, “If I start saying these words, I'll get it.”

AGAnna Gurina

To invest something in themselves, right?

AVAlexander Volchek

That may work on one level and bring severe negative consequences on another. What comes first: genuinely directing your energy, faith, and freedom toward the action, or reading something positive for five minutes and then spending twenty hours carrying negative thoughts? What takes precedence? The pattern is very relative. It depends on the space where you read those words, the people you are with, and the attitude you bring. Some things you can attract; others you never will. It is intensely individual. I always tell people they must understand the laws governing it. If you become smart and rich, what happens to the position you occupied before? How does that change happen? Does your request carry enough energy? Let's examine it scientifically, as everyone likes to do: in principle, you give a certain amount and receive a certain amount.

Have you given that amount through positive thoughts? Does it correspond to what you received? People today do not know how to exchange energy or understand it. Look at the richest people in the world. How much do their first thousand employees earn? Or ten thousand employees? How much do they earn compared with that very rich person? How is it distributed? Does the richest person actually benefit everyone...

AGAnna Gurina

Well, he gives those ten thousand people the opportunity to work.

AVAlexander Volchek

You can hear the power of business in that attitude: “He gives them work.” It is a royal attitude: he has bestowed something on them, so everyone should bow down. I have often heard that. I am from Minsk, where I lived until 2010, then I lived in Moscow for twelve years, and now I live in the United States. People often told me, “Belarus gave you so much; Moscow gave you so much. You owe them.” I said, “Perhaps they owe me.” Why not? I have done many good things in business, professional work, and serving customers. Perhaps the state, society, and the people owe me. But something inside says, “No, you owe everyone.” And that is very...

AGAnna Gurina

The word “owe” feels so...

AVAlexander Volchek

It is a very fine line in how people are raised, in society and the country they live in. Who owes whom—a wife her husband, a husband his wife, both each other, children their parents, parents their children, or parents their own parents? Under what circumstances? Someone says they owe something until one age, then something else until another. There is no single correct answer, because the question is always why we are examining it. What do we want to resolve? Do we want to make things better for ourselves, or live truthfully according to the laws of the universe? Living truthfully is not about wanting things to be better or worse for you. What is meant to happen will happen; you do not decide, “I'll choose something better or worse.” With negative beliefs, the question is why the belief formed and what it is really based on. Then you can decide how to work with it: exercise, attend to your health, do psychophysical practices, see a psychotherapist, read certain books, watch certain videos, or simply keep moving and observing it.

Some beliefs will never disappear from your life. In a recent video I said, “You need to understand that many people watching will never earn more money. Money will always be a problem for them. Why assume your finances will inevitably turn out well?” Imagine how useful it would be for someone whose finances will definitely be difficult to know that. There are three things to recognize: first, luck does not last; second, work matters; third, there are periods, or entire lives, when neither work nor luck brings money. Perhaps you earned money during a period when you could, and a later period contains none at all, with no prospect of it. Believe me, many viewers will never have money. And many who have never had it will. Those who think it will never happen may somehow find that money grows or appears. They will have it.

If there will never be money, you will, of course, end up in debt, taking loans, and living a very difficult life. Yesterday we watched an extraordinary film about what happens when you truly know the future. It might be useful to know that money will be a problem no matter what; then you would stop worrying about it, wouldn't you? “Or you'd become depressed.” Yes, or become depressed. You might become depressed, but at least you would stop worrying about money. If you knew for certain what the situation would be, perhaps you would shift your focus and enter a state where the amount of money you have does not matter. Don't we all know people for whom it does not matter? I do. At least they do not currently have that concern. Could it develop at some point? It could, or it might not.

AGAnna Gurina

You've touched on this a little already. Suppose a woman or man always feels not good enough or not smart enough. You gave the example of the woman who was selling her company...

...and now feels she cannot coach because the company is closing. That feeling: “I'm not smart enough for this position. I'm not capable of building this kind of business.” You recognize that you have the belief. What then?

AVAlexander Volchek

Again, keep looking at the source of the belief. It is not just logical; it is true.

UPUnidentified participant

How do you tell?

AVAlexander Volchek

Some things are true. A woman says, “I will never give birth,” because her particular health condition means she cannot. Or someone says, “I will not walk.” Nowadays, of course, there are robotic devices and other possibilities that can help. But imagine thirty years ago, someone had lost both legs and said, “I won't walk.” There are objective, understandable realities. Then there are things that are not objective. Someone says, “I'm not smart enough.” There are professions for which a person is not smart enough, and recognizing that can be reasonable, logical, and completely normal. Someone living in a village says, “I cannot earn a hundred thousand dollars here in the next year. There is no such job, no such opportunity, no budget or money of that size.” That can be reasonable.

UPUnidentified participant

Logical, yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

If you open a store the size of Walmart in a village of two hundred homes, you will not make money. But saying, “If I open a Pilates studio here, I won't make money,” may not be logical. The same could apply to a coffee shop, because at least there is a market. You need to examine it carefully: is the belief I hold sound, or is it unfounded? How do you decide? Look at why you want to examine that belief in the first place. Someone says, “I'm not rich enough or smart enough to make a lot of money.” Why do you need a lot of money? Go straight to that question. Why do you want it? Explore that, rather than circling around whether you are smart enough.

Why? Go directly into why you want to earn that amount of money. What is the reason, and what is it based on? Perhaps you need to pay the monthly bills for the home you live in. Could you live somewhere more modest—or perhaps somewhere much better? Might earning more lead you to a new home you again cannot afford? Or do you want money to prove to your wife, husband, parents, or children that you can do it, so everyone says, “Look at that”? Many parents worry about what their children think of their work. I think I raise this in videos from time to time. I often want to bring one of my children over and ask what I do. Can they describe my work at all? Honestly, not only would my child struggle to describe it—my wife could not fully describe it either.

You could not describe it, either. You could describe part of it. What matters to me is how my child describes me as a person, not the label they attach to my occupation: “My dad is a driver, programmer, director, or athlete.” Those are abstractions. What if I have been a director, programmer, sales manager, marketing director, mentor, business owner, cofounder, investor, and more? What if I have not merely had many roles, but still have them? I am also a blogger, a spiritual mentor, and a teacher. Is my child supposed to list all those roles? What is supposed to happen? When you examine a belief, look at why you want to do something, go back into the reasoning behind it, and examine what is happening there. Again, the important question is whether the belief is real or unfounded.

Why did this problem arise? Suppose you believe that children need to study math to be happy—or whatever chain of reasoning connects those things for you. What should you do with it? First, you must at least agree that it is a negative belief and agree to analyze it. You ask, “How do I know whether it is true?” Start by allowing that it might be true or might not. Then investigate where it came from. I guarantee that if you sit down for an hour, write, and work through it on paper, you will return and say, “Sasha, I found it. I made it up. It came from childhood trauma, for example, or from how I see successful people, my husband, my parents, my own children, teachers, or someone else. Or it came from what these people told me and how I then interpreted it...”

“I also asked ChatGPT, listened to four professors' lectures, and reconsidered things. I looked at successful athletes: did they do well at school? Is there a consistent connection? No. Then I looked for patterns among businesspeople. But I realized it doesn't particularly matter to me whether my children succeed in sports or business. So that whole supposed pattern falls apart. Is studying math connected with happy family relationships? Of course not. Is it connected with health, and so on? Yes. I investigated and realized I don't understand what is connected to what. My belief is therefore made up. If it has no evidential basis, it is made up.” There are things we never consider. For example, if boys urinate standing up in childhood, then after twenty or thirty years their capacity for heartfelt love toward others is narrowed. How is that for a belief? “That's intense!” What about that connection? Interesting, isn't it?

Or if a child begins piano at five, certain issues will arise at thirty. Or if a child is overloaded with math at seven or eight, they will develop a heart condition at forty. What do you make of those beliefs? People say, “Keep them to yourself; science cannot even investigate that.” Look at what science can investigate: we have not studied several successive generations of children conceived through IVF, because those generations have not yet passed. Wait for surprises in fifty years. You know from the outset that you are entering a black hole, an unexplored space whose outcome you do not know—a black box. At least say to yourself, “I hold this belief, but I know it is a black box. I have simply decided to act this way.” That makes it easier to orient yourself. Once you lose the actual basis for a belief, you must acknowledge that you have nothing to rely on there.

As soon as you acknowledge that, the first task is to find something real to rely on. What can you truly rely on? Once you find it, you can build on it much more easily. That is the point of understanding the right next step: knowing what you can rely on makes you capable of taking it. We know that if I do not water these hydrangeas every three or four days, they will dry out. If I water them every five, six, or seven days, they will probably survive but look less attractive. Every two weeks, and they will dry out. Every three days in the current weather, and they will do much better. Those are understandable actions, so you know what to do. But there are things where I do not know how to act. You may act at random, knowing the plant could die. When we take certain actions with...

...our children or ourselves, do we understand that some of those actions could lead to our death? Do we fully realize it?

AGAnna Gurina

Sasha, there is another thing...

AVAlexander Volchek

She's afraid of the example I'm about to give her.

AGAnna Gurina

All right, I can even tell you about myself.

AVAlexander Volchek

Let's.

AGAnna Gurina

Look, we often study psychology and try to get rid of our limiting beliefs. I certainly do: I try to identify them and discover what they are. But the people close to you often do not support you. Instead, they reinforce a limiting belief by putting the same thing on you: “If you haven't made any money, you aren't contributing anything of value to our family,” for example. You think, “That's right. I haven't made any money, so I bring no value.” What do you do with that? You are trying, and you discover these beliefs in yourself, but the people close to you—people whose opinions you still rely on, who live alongside you and whom you love—keep adding to them...

AVAlexander Volchek

What do you do about it?

AGAnna Gurina

Yes, what do you do about it?

AVAlexander Volchek

We live in a world where people create endless problems for one another and carry an enormous amount of negativity. It is carried everywhere. Open any social network or YouTube—really, any video content—and it carries negativity. Of course there is a positive part of the spectrum, but in terms of people's states and feelings, negativity is our basic environment. Even if you go to a café for coffee, how do the people there feel? How do people feel in a particular place, or at home? A great deal of negativity is being transmitted. But remember: it is not just people around you who transmit negativity. You yourself transmit an enormous amount to others too. A great deal. And of course the people around someone create endless problems for them: they do not believe the person can succeed professionally, they constantly harass them and saddle them with beliefs. Russian-speaking generations have been brought up with a truly staggering number of these beliefs. What do we instill in children? That what matters most is being happy, understanding how the world works, and living truthfully? Or that you cannot even catch a fish from a pond without working for it?

“If you don't make money, you're a fool. If you don't get an education, you're nobody. If you don't find a husband or wife, something is wrong. If you don't have children, something is wrong. If you don't fulfill your potential in society, that's no good. And if you don't achieve your main goal and accomplish your main task, you're finished. If a black cat crosses your path, don't go that way. If you've lost something, you need to throw a pair of scissors. And if you've said something bad, you have to go, ‘Ptoo, ptoo, ptoo.’”

AGAnna Gurina

And if you laugh for too long, it means you will cry afterward.

AVAlexander Volchek

If you laugh for too long, you will cry. Yes—as though you cannot keep laughing or always live in joy. As though it were impossible to always be joyful.

AGAnna Gurina

You are not allowed to be joyful.

AVAlexander Volchek

And if you laugh too much, it means everything will go wrong.

AGAnna Gurina

Yes, something is bound to happen.

AVAlexander Volchek

And if you cry too much, everything will go wrong too.

AGAnna Gurina

Actually, I have that belief.

AVAlexander Volchek

Look: laugh too much, and things will go badly; cry too much, and things will go badly too. Once I get started, you start adding more: “Sasha, can we throw a few more in?” This enormous collection of inner circumstances is what the world around us transmits. It is very difficult to learn to live alongside all of it. It is hard enough simply to withstand what is happening around you. It is even harder to stop doing it yourself: to keep watching every aspect of your own behavior, tracking what is true and what is not, where you harm someone and where you help them. That is very difficult. It is incredibly difficult to understand your own responsibility amid those outside influences. But if we want one simple thing you can do, try this: when another person gives you advice, look at how well they know you. It is a very interesting little exercise: how well does this person know you? It may seem a strange question. Instead of only asking whether the person is harming or helping you, or whether you are doing so to them—and examining how you treat someone is an excellent exercise—ask how well they know you. What do they think about you? What do they truly think about another person?

That matters so much. Earlier today I was talking about what children think. What they really think is so important: what is true across a broad range of experience. Do you know what your children think about you? I suspect not. Do you know? Or do you want to think you do?

AGAnna Gurina

Well, I want to think I do.

AVAlexander Volchek

You want to think you do. But take an honest look and consider how much you would have to ask them to understand what they really think about you.

AGAnna Gurina

Well, they certainly know one part of me very well.

AVAlexander Volchek

I mean what they think about you as a person across a broad range of experience, what is truly being formed in them in terms of their understanding of you as a mother. What is really being formed? Recently I rewatched footage of our family trip to Bulgaria in 1997. Neither my sister nor I remembers that trip at all. Nothing. I did not even remember being in Bulgaria that year. I had a little flash of some tiny town. And for some reason I remembered that the heads of the Minsk tax office and the tax office for Minsk's Central District were vacationing there then. My father somehow knew them, and they happened to be on vacation at the same time.

AGAnna Gurina

In 1997.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes. Or perhaps one was the head of the tax service for Belarus. But for some reason I remembered that. Imagine how strange it is: I remembered that two tax officials were vacationing there, although I did not even remember the trip itself. There was that one impression. I remembered them and mentioned it. And there was another town. I do not know where we stayed, but I seem to remember us driving to a town nearby. If someone named ten Bulgarian towns, I could probably guess which one we used to visit for dinner. I do not remember the dolphinarium, the banana boat rides, the sailboards we stood on, the cafés, or the shows we went to. I remember nothing—except that. I do not remember the trip at all. So here is the question: our parents presumably wanted us to remember it, didn't they? We went to restaurants with them, and back then it was interesting. My sister is sitting there eating ice cream and asks, “What kind of fruit is this? Nectarina?” Mom says, “It's called a nectarine.”

“Oh, it's so delicious!” That is interesting, isn't it? Now it seems funny. And yet we are still trying to introduce our children to something new. If we consider the sheer amount we have already crammed into them, whether it could fit or not, we could stop taking them on vacation altogether. In the summer of 2022, I spent three months driving around Europe with my children: fifteen thousand kilometers. I lived with them in Europe for three months, then with them in Bali for four months. My children have traveled everywhere imaginable and beyond. And that is before we even count how much we have traveled around the United States. All my children went to the States every year, practically from birth. But what do they actually remember? What are the real circumstances of remembering? So when you say people know you, it matters greatly what another person actually knows about you. Your personality feels insecure about this, and your ego says, “They know some part of me.” Which part, exactly? What Mom looks like?

Or that Mom's mother and father do not live together? That Mom has particular friends and sees certain people? That Mom goes to some job, or is a businesswoman? That Mom washes towels at work or touches other people's bodies? That Mom exercises, or likes good coffee? What do they know? Which aspect truly shapes their perception of a person? What do they respond to, what do they use to understand you, and what matters most to them? Your eye color, or the scent Mom carries? Or a particular state Mom is in sometimes, once every three weeks or once every four months? Or the times Mom says a particular word, or says nothing; when Mom is home or when she is not? What shapes their perception? There is what Mom perceives, and there is how they perceive her. Now imagine another person. This is very important. That person gives particular advice, confirms a belief, or challenges it. You say, “I'll succeed in business.” They say, “You won't.”

Or they say, “You can't even catch a fish from a pond without working for it.” You say, “Wait a second. Vasya bought a bitcoin just the other day, and it shot up tenfold over six months. There was no work involved.” They say, “That counts as work too.” You say, “Hold on. You're telling me I have to work twelve hours a day, every day. And it turns out I could just have done that.” What does one person think about another? I can tell you that this is an incredibly easy subject to observe. Why easy? Because it takes the ego's insecurities out of the way. Treating others well yourself...

Treating another person well yourself is a very difficult task. I talk about it a great deal. It matters a lot, and it is difficult. Watch my other discussions of it; I speak about it at length. Like and support our videos on the channel—it really helps us grow—and leave comments. That helps a lot too. And send them to your friends. Always share them with other people. Instead of resisting what someone says to you—trying to work out whether it is untrue, or whether you agree or disagree—look at what they truly think about you, how they know you and feel you. It is an extraordinary exercise. How does your mother perceive you? You think you know, but you could conduct enormous interviews about it. In my interviews, I talk a great deal about different people, and I feel I have said a lot about my wife. Have my videos created a feeling, knowledge, or an opinion of my wife? You have been to some of my classes, so you would probably say you have a certain range of impressions. How many times have I told Anya about this? How much have I said, brought to light, and shown? And here is the important part: when I tell you about it, you perceive it in your own way. You agree, don't you?

There have been so many moments like that. Just a couple of days ago, we were discussing something and discovered a new detail. You said, “I didn't think that.” I said, “And I didn't think you thought that.” Something new emerged. And new things keep emerging. What someone thinks now is not necessarily what they will think ten minutes from now: something new appears. Someone says, “I've watched you for years without understanding, and now I understand.” Something new has been born; something broader has opened up to them, and they have seen more.