Why Do We Miss Opportunities for Growth Without Noticing?

AVAlexander Volchek

Where your ego makes you miss out on real growth, on truly expanding as a person. Genuine closeness means there are no expectations. It's when you don't want to take possession of another person, hold them hostage, or make a slave of them. You stop depending on them. You aren't dependent on that person. We only begin to see and feel each other when we lose the person. How many people realize what a good person their girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife was, how good their children or parents were, at their last meeting or after they die? You miss an enormous number of opportunities when you interact with new people. Today, in this video, I'll discuss a fairly difficult subject: when new people appear around us, especially strong people—strong people in the company where you work, in the business you're part of, friends of owners or strong executives, or your partners—how you fail to notice them and let them pass you by because you want to be their equal. You want to prove you're just like them, that you're strong. People even leave very nasty comments under different videos. Above all, why? To show that they matter, that these people matter.

That what they think matters, that they're stronger than the person who made the video. In fact, every time a person does this, they miss an enormous number of opportunities for new connections and powerful new insights they could gain. We'll definitely examine this today. But first, a small point. There's something interesting we were just sitting here discussing: in a particular place, you may not think very well of your partner or your managers. But as soon as you remove a barrier—defending your authority at work, for example, or worrying that some of your work or projects will be taken away—people can immediately begin communicating and opening up to each other, truly seeing each other. But one of the biggest problems is that we only begin to see and feel each other when we lose the person. How many people realize what a good person their girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife was, how good their children or parents were, at their last meeting, after they die, or after you part ways, instead of trying to discover that and deepen the relationship while you're still in contact?

Many people are afraid to deepen a relationship because it will lead to pain. They think it will lead to pain when they part. But if we get to know each other more and more, and communicate even more openly, parting actually won't be painful. It's remarkable that a person thinks growing closer will make parting painful. Genuine closeness means there are no expectations. It's when you don't want to take possession of another person, hold them hostage, or make a slave of them. You stop depending on them. You aren't dependent on that person. That's what makes you free of each other. Not only do you help each other develop, not only do you expand together—it's no longer just you expanding on your own, you expand together—but you're free of each other when it comes to parting. You part peacefully. You even go through something as difficult as death peacefully. You go through death peacefully. We've moved into a very deep, very important subject. When we're afraid a loved one will die, we need to grow even closer. But not in the sense of spending more time together or learning more about them. Closeness means I begin interacting with that person as a human being.

When I begin living with that person without expectations, without illusions, when I begin interacting with them without assuming that someone owes someone something, without approaching it through roles. When I begin interacting with them person to person. Remember how we talked yesterday about what kinds of people watch content, what people perceive, and how much they understand about being with a particular person? I have an interesting setup. There are people who subscribe and listen to me. There are people who study in my group, in V100, for example. There are people I have businesses and partnerships with, and people who hire me as an advisor. Well, hire me—I'm open to it, I have a certain amount of time, and I devote time to it anyway, as you know. Then there are advisory arrangements with very large companies where the owner wants me to provide some more targeted guidance, to get involved with other managers. They direct me toward particular people within the company. What's interesting to notice is: which managers would you expect to be interested in interacting with me? Look: an owner is interested in working with me, and tells the managers to interact with me.

Do you know what I've noticed? It has nothing to do with how much work experience you have or how much money you earn. In theory, the younger you are, the more interested you should be. Not a damn bit. There are people who never miss a meeting, who are respectful, who fully adjust to whatever time works for me. Everything. Take the owner—I'll give a specific example of an owner in one company. There has never been a time when their secretary scheduled a meeting with me without asking about rescheduling, whether it was convenient for me, or trying to accommodate me. The owner adjusts to me, and I adjust to them. We coordinate with each other. And then there are people who might not come to a meeting, might not prepare the documents, might leave all kinds of things undone. They're not the ones initiating the meeting. We keep talking about student and teacher: the person doesn't see themselves as a student at all. They don't want to see themselves as a student. What's more, when they meet you, they immediately address you with the informal “you.” This instant switch to informal address is very revealing.

Incidentally, that's interesting. In English, you can't really ask, “May I address you with the informal ‘you,’ or should I use the formal ‘you’?” But Russian gives you that possibility. You can make a distinction and show your culture, your values, your orientation. I always feel I need to address a person formally for a certain period of time. Then I'm ready to switch to informal address in different circumstances. There are people with whom I haven't switched for years, and won't. They haven't switched with me, and won't. “Let's be informal right away” is very common, especially among young people, though not only them. A friend once told me—or perhaps you told me—“Just tell them you don't want to switch to informal address, and that's that.” To this day, when people say it to me, it throws me. I say, “Okay.” To this day. And this is an expression of... Huh? Why?

UPUnidentified participant

I just had a situation a few days ago where I switched to informal address and then felt uncomfortable. I said, “Listen, we didn't really agree to switch, did we? Would formal address feel more comfortable?” “Yes, it would.” So we went back to formal address, and it was fine. The person said directly, “For what we're doing, it would be better if we kept things formal.” They calmly brought me back to that. They created a situation where I felt uncomfortable.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes, but you're a very developed person. You sensed it and proposed switching back yourself. Whereas I was recently at a meeting—this happens to me all the time, something like it every week. There was a recent instance: I came to a meeting and kept using formal address, but they kept addressing me informally. Yesterday, too, I had a meeting with some people. One person switched to informal address immediately.

UPUnidentified participant

In their own circle, they keep things formal, right?

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes. Even though they address their own bosses formally. You know, I think in most cases—there's a normal way of switching to informal address, and I have absolutely nothing against it. But in some cases, I think the person wants to put themselves on an equal footing. You get a very clear sense that they're not taking the role of a student.

UPUnidentified participant

Well, they didn't ask for it.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes, often they didn't ask.

UPUnidentified participant

Their manager is imposing the need to develop on them. They say, “I didn't sign up to develop. I signed up to do the work for this money.”

AVAlexander Volchek

It's not even about developing. Look, the point is that the example I gave doesn't mean the person said they needed to develop. It means they—

UPUnidentified participant

Asked you to look at their area of responsibility.

AVAlexander Volchek

They asked me to help strategically. Essentially, I'm helping them. There's a very subtle point here. On the one hand, they might say, “Wait, we have an employment contract. It says who our boss is, whom we should listen to, and what we have to do where.” But at the same time, this comes from the company owner, so it's entirely reasonable for the person to listen: in this case, I'm acting as an extension of the company's leader, complementing them. When I'm in an advisory role, I complement the person, that's all, because they will still do everything with their own hands. Incidentally, my task isn't to develop them or not develop them. I have a task, a particular goal. People come and say, “We need to grow tenfold.” Or, “We need to resolve a conflict here.” Or, “On the contrary, we need a sharp additional boost.” Or, “We need to buy something. Let's figure out how to do it strategical—”

“We need to buy something. Let's figure out how to do it strategically.” Or, “We need to strengthen marketing or sales. We need to decide what to do about the team. We need to figure out what's happening with those people.” What's more, in most cases, when a meeting with a manager is arranged, the manager doesn't realize how strongly I can influence a change in a person... I mean, I can later give a specific opinion about that person, and they don't want to shift to another plane. I've simply never been that way. I've never been in that state. If someone were offered to me—say I work with someone, work in a company, work for someone, and that person said, “Alexander, listen, I have a personal advisor, and I really want them to help with the area of the project you're working on”—I would pay money for that.

UPUnidentified participant

That's you. But are they that open? Are they open enough...

AVAlexander Volchek

Would you get involved in something like that? I can't. I can't imagine not getting involved.

UPUnidentified participant

I would get involved.

AVAlexander Volchek

I can't imagine not getting involved.

UPUnidentified participant

I would get involved because I'm not a formalist. I'm enthusiastic and easily engaged, and truth matters to me. But people separate things. They have their professional responsibilities, and then there's the struggle for power inside the company. In that struggle for power, they've built... I mean, there's an effective company, achieving results and profits, and then perhaps there's a power struggle. In that power struggle, a new figure appears who is close to the leader, and they have no idea how to deal with it. Am I on the wrong track?

AVAlexander Volchek

You're on the right track. Why wouldn't you be? Why wouldn't you be? I'll shed some light on that now. It's actually very important for people's development. We encounter interesting opportunities in life. They don't only come as people. They come as different projects, all sorts of opportunities, even particular trips. We often turn down a trip to a country, a visit to a new place, a new book, encounters with people, or watching some event or occasion. What I'm describing has a very clear hierarchy for me, a very clear hierarchy. I can't... If I work with someone and they're my boss, I work in as much synergy with them as possible. Otherwise, why would I be there? If I'm working in as much synergy as possible and they say, “I'm going to bring in my advisor for you”—damn, I would just... You know, there's an interesting story. When I was young, in 2004, I got a programming job at a French company. It was very small and had two owners.

One was English and one was French. Because the company was so small, they spent a lot of time with me. When I started, there were seven people. Incidentally, a year later I probably had about thirty people reporting to me. I directly managed fifteen or twenty projects myself, even though I had initially joined as a programmer. The point is, these people were very open. It was their own small business, and they spent a lot of time with us. We spent time together, worked together, ate together, traveled together, went to restaurants together, visited each other's homes. I'd been to absolutely everyone's home and knew all the children. I remember the Englishman had an estate in France. He had sheep there, drove around on tractors, and did other things. You were there together. I absolutely loved it. I understood that these people had let me into their space. You go out together in the evenings, keep going places together, keep spending this time with people. You continually begin discussing things beyond work, beyond your working life.

You're involved. But later I moved into a different phase and became someone who owned things, managed things, and hired people myself. I became very aware that some people are ready to be with you anywhere, always, at any time. With others, you step a little to the side, just a little, and they say, “I didn't sign up for this with you.” Yet it's such a big opportunity in life, an opportunity to live. I'm not saying the person was doing something wrong. I'm certainly not taking that freedom away from them. I'm not taking away their own choice. But it seems to me that very often, they miss out enormously. Enormously.

UPUnidentified participant

In my view, they're definitely missing out. The other thing is that it's outside their frame of reference. Most likely, they think their boss is an asshole—excuse me—and their subordinates too. Roughly speaking, they think they're the smartest one. If the boss or owner changes, they won't lose anything either. You know the type: a guard, or Uncle Vasya with the keys to the storeroom, who doesn't really give a damn about anyone. They know it's very hard to—

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes, that's an interesting subject. Essentially, if that's happening, then most likely—most likely—the question isn't even about that other person. It's about the boss or owner. Most likely, that's how the employee sees their boss. Incidentally, you've just made a very interesting point. I encounter this so often. If there's that contact and this situation arises, most likely that's how the person relates to their boss. Everyone has the right to act as they wish. Recently, I got into a discussion like that, and twenty minutes into the meeting I said, “All right, let's stop here. Either this is our last meeting, or we need to change things in terms of whether you need this development. If you don't need it, this is completely pointless. Why meet?” It's like coming to a class or a lecture, sitting there listening, and saying the teacher is an asshole. Why come to the lecture, then? Don't come. It won't lead to any development.

Now we'll move on and definitely record a separate piece about whether development can happen in a negative direction. Sasha asked about that today. It's a great subject. I always say there is development, but development can be positive or negative. It's an incredibly interesting subject. There's development, and there's development into deterioration. People think they're developing, that it must be growth. Not a chance! A great many things lead to deterioration. It's important to look a little more broadly, a little further ahead. The subject I've just raised matters to everyone, including everyone watching this video. Look at where you fail to notice it, where you take that position, as you just described so well: most likely, the person sees themselves as somehow better or superior, because of hierarchies and their ego in general. Where does your ego make you miss out on real growth, on truly expanding—truly expanding as a person? You simply miss out. You just don't damn well notice, because you're closed... You and I have been in this for two weeks, right? In judgment. You simply miss out because, “I don't really feel like listening to this person today.”

“I'm looking at them, and I've decided I'm just not going to listen to them today, damn it.” Where? Where does this happen, and why? Why does it happen? At what point does it happen? Look at the places where you fail to notice something. Write about them in the comments. I'll examine them; I'll keep examining them on YouTube, separately on Instagram, and in V100. If any of you are in V100—and you can join at any time—where do you miss these things and fail to see them? Where do you fail to notice them? When do you fail to notice them? It's important that I also give you a direction to move in here, because this may seem very difficult and may make you feel somewhat depressed, as though you've already missed out on so much in life. It doesn't matter what you've missed. It doesn't even matter what you're missing now. The first step is to begin observing it. Begin paying attention to it. Simply observe, even if you're missing out, even if you think someone isn't a very good person, even if you don't respect your manager or partner. At least begin observing it. At least begin noticing it.

Bring it into observation. Then, in any case, you'll begin to question it.