How to Stop Comparing Yourself with Others: Turn It into Strength for Scaling Up

AVAlexander Volchek

You open social media and find someone richer, smarter, healthier, better. How does automatic comparison with other people kick in, and how does it lead to severe burnout you can't get rid of? How does automatic comparison shut down your own motivation? And how do you stop this race? An irreversible chain starts inside you: your self-esteem drops, you begin feeling apathy and anxiety, something inside you is shaking, and it becomes hard to bear. You sink further into incredible irritability, heaviness, and a loss of clarity. And you keep comparing even more, repeating the cycle every day, week after week, month after month. You're guaranteeing not just burnout but the loss of your own identity, your own life, your sense of freedom, and your sense of development.

DMDmitry Mugenov

People often catch themselves thinking, “They're smarter, faster, richer.” Why is the brain—or a person—set up to compare? Why does this happen? No matter how much I work on my spiritual development, there comes a moment when I feel so elevated and all that. Then, like a blow, completely unexpectedly and from who knows where, comparison appears again. You're comparing yourself with others again and thinking perhaps all of it was for nothing. Where does this desire to compare come from, this constant comparison: someone is better, more attractive, richer, and so on?

AVAlexander Volchek

Listen, this is a powerful thing, one of the most destructive things for a person's development. Social media is largely built on it. Social networks are built on comparing yourself with another person. Here, it's not simply comparing: you're measuring yourself against them because you want to become like them. The key point is that as soon as an impulse to compare yourself with someone else arises, it is always, one hundred percent, your own ego. These comparisons, especially the ones you've raised, are ego and inner weakness. That weakness appears either as elation when you compare and say, “I'm definitely better than this guy,” or as an inner sense of loss when you tell yourself, “I'm definitely not worthy of that. I'll never be able to do it.” The very presence of doubt is destructive to a person and their whole system. It stops them from moving forward and developing.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Envy. How is envy connected with comparison? And is there such a thing as so-called “white envy,” or perhaps useful comparison that helps you develop or serves some other purpose? Or simply “white envy”?

AVAlexander Volchek

Envy is definitely and very often connected with comparison. Not always, though—not always. When you compare yourself with someone else, a feeling of envy can arise. A feeling of envy can arise. Often, people compare themselves with others and feel worthless or dissatisfied. They don't necessarily envy the other person—not necessarily. But if envy comes on top of that… You just said that no matter how much you work on yourself, suddenly comparison appears. If envy is added to that comparison, it's a red warning light. Comparison combined with envy is a disaster, a very serious problem. As for whether there's such a thing as “white envy”—whether it's all right to envy someone else—of course not. When you envy someone, you want to obtain the same thing for yourself. You think you could have it, that you deserve it, for example, or that it has something to do with you as well. I suppose what people mean by “white envy” is that they aren't saying, “The other person doesn't deserve it, but I do.”

Right? It's this supposedly pure envy. A person says, “Wait a minute. The other person deserves it, and I deserve it too. I'm simply envious in this way—”

DMDmitry Mugenov

I want that too.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes, that's all I'm envious of. It's very important not to get lost in the impulse. Can there be a reasonable impulse here? There can, but it isn't envy. It's an understanding that you simply want to enter that kind of state, for example. Or why shouldn't you achieve that kind of outcome?

DMDmitry Mugenov

Why not get it from that person?

AVAlexander Volchek

Not get it from that person. When is it reasonable? It's reasonable when you're at peace with the possibility that it won't happen.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Listen, that's really—

AVAlexander Volchek

To answer your question, I'd put it this way: okay, let that state be there, on one condition—that you're very much at peace with the possibility that you might not have it. As soon as you feel you must have it no matter what, that you deserve it no matter what, it's destructive.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Mm-hmm. So it doesn't matter that a feeling of comparison arises. Comparison can arise, and even envy can come along. What matters is probably how you respond and what you do with it, right? There isn't some—

AVAlexander Volchek

Again, you need to look at the source of the comparison. If I say, “I'll compare company A with company B based on their results so I can make the right decision and move forward,” not to destroy anyone or envy the other company, those are simple, reasonable things. Or suppose you run and compare how you run with someone else, simply to see how people with your build and age run, perhaps in the same region or on the same track. There's absolutely no problem with that.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Mm-hmm.

AVAlexander Volchek

But you were talking about a slightly different kind of comparison. As I said at the beginning, it's the comparison people so often feel while scrolling through their phone—

DMDmitry Mugenov

Or you meet an old classmate who's bought a great car.

AVAlexander Volchek

Yes, you meet an old classmate who's bought a great car and start comparing. You say, “Well, he bought that car, but he's stupid,” or “But he's got a pimple,” or something else. You start setting those things against each other. That's killing you. We're not talking about comparison in general. In this video, we're absolutely not talking about normal, reasonable comparisons. Not at all—

DMDmitry Mugenov

Right, exactly—

AVAlexander Volchek

I can compare this chair with another and say, “This one is brown, that one is white, this one is gray, and that one is blue. This one costs a hundred dollars, that one a thousand.” Go ahead and compare that way as much as you like. We're talking about comparisons that produce strange inner emotions: aggression, anger, envy, resentment—

DMDmitry Mugenov

Anxiety.

AVAlexander Volchek

Anxiety, a feeling of—

DMDmitry Mugenov

Beating yourself up.

AVAlexander Volchek

Beating yourself up, a sense of self-doubt.

DMDmitry Mugenov

That's clear. How do you help yourself when this hits you? Maybe you didn't even want it, maybe you're trying not to envy anyone, but it can still hit, and suddenly you feel that way.

AVAlexander Volchek

The simplest step is to be able to perceive the situation calmly and neutrally. There are different stages of perception. I'll use driving as an example. You're driving, another car goes past, and you swear at the driver for making a mistake. You get home and tell your husband or wife and your friends, “What an asshole!” You even make a voodoo doll of him and stick a dart into it. That's one stage: complete unawareness of what's happening in your life. You compared yourself, said he should die, and said, “I want that too.” You even had a drink to it. You put that person on your vision board as a comparison and drew a cross over him. At the next stage, everything happens the same way, but when you get home, you realize you probably shouldn't act like that. At the next stage, you're driving and swearing at the other person, and while you're swearing, you realize you shouldn't. Then comes another stage: you're driving, you know you shouldn't, but you swear because you can't hold back. You were already aware beforehand that you shouldn't do it.

Then comes the next stage: you're driving, you know you shouldn't do it, and you don't swear. That's an important point. I chose that example for a reason. Of course, you could break it down into smaller stages. But this is how it works with comparison. The task is to move along that path, beginning with calmly observing that you're doing it and admitting it's wrong. What people usually do is notice it and say, “This comparison was fine, because he really is an asshole. That other comparison wasn't fine.” The most important thing is to acknowledge calmly that it's a fundamental mistake. That's all. It's a fundamental mistake, unless you're comparing two chairs.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Okay.

AVAlexander Volchek

But if you're comparing your chair with one your wife or husband chose and saying, “My wife chose a piece of shit; I chose a decent one,” then of course that's a mistake too.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Okay, so there's an unconstructive reaction to seeing that other people's lives are different—envy or an unconstructive comparison with others. Now suppose the person has learned, as you say, at least to notice it, observe it, and understand it's wrong. What should they transform it into? It doesn't arise for no reason.

What should they transform that comparison into? Can it become positive motivation, a positive impulse? How can they respond constructively, or respond differently? Can comparison with other people unfold according to a different pattern?

UPUnidentified participant

Yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

Well, you can turn that pattern toward development. I've said you can observe it. You can also turn toward studying the process as it happens: “Why did this happen in me?” Move from observation toward investigation and understanding. “Why did I compare myself just now? What do I really want to do? What do I want to change? How do I want to harm the other person? Do I really want to harm them?” Change your approach and your actions right then. If you see that through comparison you want to harm someone, do something useful for them. Write a kind comment, say something good, or instead help them achieve even more. Help them improve their result even further—help them improve it even further. That's a powerful, positive transformation through action.

DMDmitry Mugenov

How do you stop devaluing your own successes against other people's? You may have something better—even a better car or something else—but you see what someone else has and have already devalued your own. The grass is always greener on the other side. What do you do about that?

AVAlexander Volchek

In this case, devaluation arises partly from comparison. But devaluation isn't necessarily based on comparing yourself with someone else.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Not necessarily.

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course, there are other reasons for devaluation. But if comparison has happened and then devaluation, observing these comparisons and noting them—simply observing—will clear away self-doubt. Again, intensively studying other people, comparing yourself with them, discussing them, envying them, wanting to change them, wanting to change yourself, increases self-doubt. It simply increases self-doubt. This is very difficult. Even if your work requires you to study and compare large numbers of people, that will also create inner self-doubt. It's very difficult. It's very difficult.

DMDmitry Mugenov

Suppose envy overwhelms someone right here and now, like a wave. What exactly should they do—a short technique, a practice, something that—

AVAlexander Volchek

If envy has overwhelmed you right now, here's the first thing to tell yourself and do. This is a very important point. If you're in any heightened emotional state—intense joy or sadness, envy, or profound dejection—there's a fundamental solution, a truly fundamental solution. The first thing to tell yourself is, “I'm not aware right now. I'm not perceiving.” You can't analyze the situation from that state. More precisely, any analysis will lead to a mistake. Any analysis, because it already contains narrowed perception.

That's number one, simply number one. It's the fundamental basis. The first thing to do is pause for a moment. That's why I so often say: if you've argued at home, wait thirty minutes. If you've argued with someone else, wait twenty minutes. If you're shaking and feeling awful in a meeting at work, at least get up and go to the restroom. Often, you need a release. When you act out of difficulty, anger, apathy, irritation, doubt, or fear, you're acting from narrowed perception. First, you need to enter a state of expanded perception. I explain how in many places—in these YouTube videos and in my Vostok group, which people attend. I talk in different places about entering a state of perception and calm. It's important to understand that, for one person, that might happen in ten minutes. For another, it may take years to find even some stability and calm. There are simple methods—simple ones. You can get up and jump thirty times, listen to music for ten minutes, switch your attention, call someone else and talk. You can sit down for twenty minutes, simply sit upright like this, just sit upright.

There are different ways to shift your state at least a little. Simply recognizing this state in yourself is an incredible key to freedom and an incredible key to not being in these states at all—not being in the states we're discussing today. Never being in them, never having them within you.