What to Do When Someone Tries to Devalue You

AVAlexander Volchek

What do you do when someone tries to belittle you? It's a very common situation. The first thing to do is take a breath, avoid defending yourself, and not spend your time on it. We'll talk about what you need to do and pay attention to, not to get rid of or resolve an issue with one particular person, but so that in the years and decades ahead, it isn't simply that these things don't happen—you don't even notice they exist. Many people start fighting and get themselves into an extraordinary position when they're belittled. Of course, it's very important not to fight. That doesn't mean ignoring it or not processing it internally, but you don't charge into a confrontation. People constantly belittle others in today's social world. The people belittling you want you to react. Not reacting doesn't mean you're showing weakness. I'm not saying you should be weak inside. When you're being belittled, it's important to find your inner strength so you can stand very firmly. If you're belittled while you have that inner strength, that backbone, it can become a powerful, valuable life experience.

The most important thing to understand is that time is the answer to a situation where you're being belittled. The first thing we fear and don't want to experience is the realization that it will last a very long time. That's why we begin making mistakes and acting in the wrong way. You need to calmly and attentively recognize that you need time. Once time has passed, you'll be able to truly see the causes and effects, draw conclusions, process what happened, perhaps learn something from it, and go on living in balance. But for that to happen, time needs to pass. Remember that time exists. Knowing that, you need to keep actively working. You're belittled at work, by relatives, by acquaintances or friends. You keep working. The way your work translates into real life, into benefit, and the growth you'll experience through that work will bring very substantial results over the time you spend in this difficult moment. When something difficult happens, especially when your work is belittled, you mustn't stop working, run away from it, quit, disappear, or avoid people. You need to keep working.

Observe your inner state and your actions toward other people. Even if you do harmful things, even if you aren't fully engaged at certain moments when you interact, make sure you reflect and observe. Through your actions toward others, your attention, your desire to be in harmony with other people, an incredible life emerges on a different level, on a different scale, with a radically different kind of growth. Real growth, not imagined growth. And here's the next important part, which opens things up and helps you find a real solution for a long time to come. The part that expands you and develops you as a person. You need to begin observing your inner state in relation to others. If someone belittles you, how do you feel toward the people doing it? What do you feel toward them? Compassion? Something neutral? Or tension, aggression, anger? Endless questions. Do you want them to change their opinion? Do you want something bad to happen to them? How many times in your life have you wanted something bad to happen to someone else, so life would prove the truth you've invented for yourself? When someone belittles you, you mustn't confront them by insisting it isn't true.

Don't go and prove it isn't true, or prove to other people that it isn't true. Don't start comparing your results with other people's, trying to elevate yourself and belittle them. Or trying to bring the person belittling you down a little so you can lift yourself up at their expense. That's a big mistake. You're making things even worse. You start digging your own hole, even if someone else dug it in the first place. Pay close attention to the following simple action. Each day, check whether you've discussed this belittling with other people or condemned those people behind their backs. Notice how easy or difficult it is for you to handle this, but do it privately, with yourself. It's very important to take one simple action: stop all such discussions. And if the situation turns around, if life actually proves that the person belittling you was wrong, don't shout about it. Again, you're doing this exercise, receiving this information, and trying to resolve this issue not so you feel wonderful for a month, or so nobody bothers you for a few months, but so you can remain calm throughout your life about the fact that other people in today's social world may bring hostility, harm, negativity, and lies.

They may take away the one thing you have: your freedom. But no one can take away your love or who you are as a person. Your freedom depends only on you.