How to avoid losing yourself in a relationship: what to rely on when things get difficult

AVAlexander Volchek

Why are some people constantly insatiable, wanting another woman, or constantly insatiable and wanting another man? Why does that insatiability keep making someone want more children? Or why, on the contrary, is someone so deeply settled that the thought does not even occur to them? What is this experience of living? What kind of choice is it? What kind of space is it? Because if we look and enter a certain realm, there are no rules.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

You are talking about things on an entirely different level. Sasha, very few people perceive reality that way. So many questions arise. Everyone has their own truth within them. Is it even true or not? What can people actually rely on? I think this would be a very logical point to move on to love between men and women in general. When we were preparing for this conversation, I read what you sent me. It said that people's perception of relationships seems to have changed dramatically. There is a somewhat romanticized view in that description: that people used to love each other more and tried to preserve their marriage for as long as possible. Now—and this is true—there are a great many divorces. At the slightest problem, people do not try to renegotiate their relationship. They imagine they can end it and then enter their next marriage as though they were an entirely new person, without having those problems there. That is fairly unlikely. But I am interested in your opinion, because as I see it, people are still people, just as they always were. Perhaps some social factors have changed. There used to be this expectation; up to a certain point, people could not get divorced at all.

Only if a priest gave permission, and that practically never happened. Then women fought for their rights for a very long time. They gained those rights, but the system was still set up to keep a marriage going as long as possible. Even when I think of my own parents, living their whole lives together was a great source of pride to them. People probably do not feel that way anymore, do they? Everyone seems quite accepting of the idea that three years is probably the biggest crisis point. You live together, then split up. Only the children hold you back. What do you think about that? There was another point in the text: supposedly, in the past—I do not know about men, by the way, but I would largely agree about women—getting married was one of a woman's main goals. Again, up to a certain point, it was a matter of survival. If you did not marry, you could not live securely. Thank goodness that time is long gone. What do you think now? Has something changed significantly? Or, if we look at how people relate to each other, has it stayed the same, with all its pros and cons, while these social frameworks, norms, and so on are what change?

AVAlexander Volchek

I would put it this way: people change. People change, people develop, and the human structure of a person's spiritual being develops. Just as people three thousand years ago could not calmly discuss things the way you and I are now. The kind of conversation we are having is not something everyone can have, but many people can discuss these subjects. So the human structure is changing. That is where I would start in general—in general. When it comes to marriage, of course the way a person relates to marriage or to some social aspect—and it is a social aspect—changes too. What is more, we can see an enormous variety of attitudes around the world, including ones enshrined in law. As in the example I gave: in Egypt, you can have three wives, right? Or in certain countries, women have very limited rights, while elsewhere they may have greater rights, I do not know. We live in a very diverse world. So has the number of divorces increased or decreased? First of all, I think it depends on the region, the country, and the particular people who live in that particular place.

From my perspective, I would probably advise against making unsupported claims about this. People make sweeping statements about what tends to happen, or say, for example, that people who marry before twenty divorce more often, or make some other claim about divorce. These are certain abstractions. Everything depends on the circumstances, the samples, and a host of additional factors. People like to base things on one parameter: how many years a couple has been married, how many children they have, which country they live in, or their family situation, without examining an enormous number of other aspects. For example, were these people even meant to come together in terms of their karmic paths? If we approach this through social aspects, we will not find the answers there. Those answers will all be unsupported and unreal. What if we examine it broadly and really look at what was supposed to happen in this person's life, and what was supposed to happen in the other person's life? Why are some people constantly insatiable? Insatiable. A person wants another woman, or is constantly insatiable and wants another man.

Or why does that insatiability keep making someone want more children? Or, on the contrary, why is someone so deeply settled that—and this is very important, Tanya—the thought does not even occur to them? I remember first encountering this question sometime around 2012. I began to see very clearly, among men, that some have a constant insatiable desire for women or experience those impulses, while there are others who—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

Who never even have that thought.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

It is amazing that they really can look completely different and be completely different people.

AVAlexander Volchek

Completely. And there are also—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

In different social classes.

AVAlexander Volchek

And there are women too who have these thoughts—simply endless thoughts.

A person thinks about it. And there are women who simply do not have those thoughts. Just as there are women who do not think about children, women who do not think about design, and women who do not think about getting a job at all. And there are others for whom not getting a job, not working, does not occur to them. Each person's circumstances arise differently. Of course, a whole mass of things is layered together. There are karmic causes, hereditary causes, the social structure, and laws. If a law were issued tomorrow saying that divorce was forbidden and punishable by fifteen years in prison, I cannot guarantee that no one would divorce. Some people might still do it, but most would simply stop. Or if adultery meant a hundred years in prison or having your hands cut off, people would stop doing that too. Do you see? Such a measure would show its effect. So having or not having a signed marriage document is a much broader matter. Some people live in a marriage without ever communicating or having a close relationship, or they cheat on each other. For others, marriage is something entirely different.

It is a union of souls, a connection to each other, a shared body of perception of one another. It is no longer about relating to people as people, treating everyone the same. This really is part of your soul. You understand that this is part of your consciousness, and you live it, perceive it, and relate to it that way. Can you imagine how wide the range can be here?

Another important aspect to consider is that, when we approach it this way, we see such a wide range of causes and effects. Such a wide range. What is more, Tanya, some are beyond our control. There are causes and effects beyond our control. For example, the force of a wife's motivations and impulses may lead to a divorce when her husband does not have the strength to stop it, even if it was not envisaged for him karmically. He may simply not have enough of what it takes. Or the reverse. A wife or husband initiates a divorce, and he does so because causes have been set in motion in his wife for that divorce to happen and for her to meet another man. There is a very interesting example I always give everyone: a person went to prison because they killed someone. Or they killed someone because, karmically, they needed to end up in prison and experience certain difficulties. That is a huge difference from the perspective of consciousness. So did the person arrive at this divorce because it was necessary for the way these people's lives and experiences would unfold afterward, or not? First of all, we need to relate to all of this as ordinary events in life. Ordinary events in life. Someone may hear a kind of fashionable posturing in that: a person lives freely, has the right to make whatever decisions they want, can divorce whenever they want, and so on.

But this is precisely where responsibility comes in. How well do you understand your responsibility for what is happening? How well do you understand what you did when you agreed and told someone you would be with them for life? How aware were you at that moment? I certainly was not aware when I proposed to my wife. I certainly was not aware when I agreed to do certain things. I acknowledge that myself. I broke an enormous number of rules. Then I can say to myself, “Well, I was unaware, so I can do whatever I want.” Instead, bring your awareness into play now, so you can understand everything that is happening and at least act consciously from this point onward, considering the intentions, parameters, details, and everything else. But to understand—

Everything else. But to understand this structure of people and how they move through life, Tanya, you again need a vision broader than the material and must think beyond social aspects. Never rely on that alone, Tanya! When I look at your life, I never—I think I may be the only person in your current circle, or among the people you have in mind—I never, Tanya, look at your life in terms of what happens at the level of everyday social life. Never. Because if you look at your life on that level, you are guaranteed to be wrong. Your life is too, too—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Inexplicable.

AVAlexander Volchek

Inexplicable in terms of a person's private life. It encompasses very different areas, very different ranges of perception. The events in your personal life have spanned an extremely wide range. That does not mean you are smarter or more impressive than someone else, or that your experience is better. Some people have a straightforward foundation, a very calm foundation. Their lives have unfolded in such a way that they were meant to live quietly in that realm. It is like what I have always told everyone: for my wife and me to have four children, we did not need to go to college and read eight hundred books. When our first child was born, we had not read a single book, and we did all sorts of strange things. Other people try hard, get an education, study, and take courses. That does not bring them children. There are causes at work. Because your life is broad and spans many different ranges, anyone who tries to assess it socially will fail. They need to listen and look at the impulses arising inside you and what is happening to you. When you understand that, it becomes even more frightening.

When you begin to look at a person for real. Because at that point, Tanya, everyone has to allow for things unfolding in all kinds of different ways. And that is not just true of you. It is true of anyone, even what seems to be the quietest couple. We know billions of examples.

Millions around the world who have lived in perfect harmony for thirty years.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

In perfect harmony.

AVAlexander Volchek

There is no one else around; they never see anyone. They are programmers working from home. There is no one around at all. And then it turns out—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Then he accidentally kills his wife. There was a case like that too.

AVAlexander Volchek

Wow! Something else happens.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

An extremely rare, extraordinary case.

AVAlexander Volchek

Or people split up and turn out to have completely different lives. They begin—

A completely different life. To understand this, you need to understand people's lives and their stages of life. You need to understand that a new stage can begin for someone. In that new stage, impulses may arise that will predominate, along with energy and the influence of other spiritual beings. Not “may”—they will arise and predominate over the consciousness the person had before. A person can completely shift their focus and change their consciousness. That is exactly what we observe in children, because at least we want to pay some attention to children. With adults and everyone else, we look at this or that here and there. At least with children we make some attempt. Even then, everyone observes them through their own limitations, particular traits, fears, ideas, and so on, without understanding the full scale of that person. Take you. You are not forty yet, right? I do not remember your exact age. I think I remember that you are under forty. Tanya, imagine—how old are you now?

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Thirty-six.

AVAlexander Volchek

You are thirty-six. Can you imagine that you have lived sixteen years of conscious life, and ahead of you, just hypothetically, you still have at least, say, three more stretches of conscious life like that? Three, Tanya. And if you take—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Still not enough.

AVAlexander Volchek

And if we look at it in terms of breadth, Tanya—in terms of breadth—or, say, two stretches of conscious life—

Then we will see and understand that these are lives you could not possibly have foreseen. No one, anywhere, can foresee any of it.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Of course.

AVAlexander Volchek

That tells us, Tanya, that all approaches based on social logic and material judgments are distorted. That is precisely why Rudolf Steiner writes and says, when addressing his teachers, that to be a teacher you have to be a prophet. As a teacher, you must see who a child will be in twenty, thirty, forty, or fifty years, and offer the child actions suited to that. If you come to me, for example, and ask—as you do from time to time—or come for some advice, the only thing I can do, Tanya, is look at what your spiritual system needs and what you need spiritually. I can help and suggest something: “Tanya, listen, there is a particular law here. You cannot do that.” Or this country has certain rules, and you cannot do that. Or there are rules in society, or some other rules. I can mention that as additional information. But the first thing to do is look and offer the person—offer the person—the opportunity to examine what the true course of life is for their spiritual being.

That is the only way to answer your question, Tanya. The only way. Essentially, there is no other answer. You know, for a long time—a long time, Tanya—in conversations with many people, discussing questions as I studied myself and my own life, I would ask about my connection to certain people close to me: my children, for example, my wife, or someone else. I would ask: what are our relationships based on? What energies underlie them? What is this experience of living? What is it? Is it a law, or a certain freedom? What kind of choice is it? What planes are involved? What kind of space is it? Because if we look and move into a certain realm, there are no rules. Again, I am not doing away with a country's laws. But imagine: are there rules about which thoughts you can consider? There are no rules. You would not be breaking any law of the country, for example. If we rise a little higher, we see that, essentially, you can take any action. The question is whether you understand that you will have to answer for those actions.

And what does that mean to you as a person? Do you think you will have to answer for them because society will condemn you, your children will think badly of you, your circle of female friends will change, you will earn less money, or something else? Or do you see it this way: I understand that there are causes and effects in terms of energy. I understand that I can alter the course of my life in terms of its karmic path. I understand that I can create new chains of possible events that will affect thousands of people.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

But Sasha, very few people perceive reality that way. I do not even have that perception, for example. What should I use as a guide in those situations? This is where we could talk about—

AVAlexander Volchek

The very same thing.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

The same thing. Well, something else we planned to discuss: what seems to be the most obvious answer, right there on the surface—follow your conscience. What is conscience in the classic, dictionary-style definition? It is an inner feeling that shows a person whether they are in harmony with the truth within themselves. So many questions arise. Everyone has their own truth within them. Is it even true or not? What counts as truth for a criminal, for example? Thieves have their own hierarchy of values too, things they would never do, and so on. There is a hint of something here, almost like shame or guilt. Modern psychology describes these as toxic feelings, especially shame. All the psychologists say to get rid of it at any cost, and so on. You are talking about things on an entirely different level, but not everyone has access to them. I can come to you, for instance, and say, “Sasha, what do you think? What would you do in my place?” In the past, people probably went to a priest, or someone, I do not know. Some go to a psychologist, some to their parents, a female friend, or an older woman.

But what should people actually rely on—ordinary people who do not have access to an understanding of cause and effect or energies, who do not feel them? At some basic level, I understand what you are talking about: impulses, energies. But you know, it is more of an inkling. I do not have that kind of strong perception.

AVAlexander Volchek

Tanya, when you say that some people have it and others do not, you are setting up a zero and a one. But there is no zero or one here. Everyone has perception, and everyone's is different. There is no limit to how far perception can go in the negative direction, into error and the possibility of error. And there is also no limit to how wide its range can become, to perceiving different possibilities and different events. You can go into this endlessly. Can you imagine what it means to—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Yes, of course.

AVAlexander Volchek

Discuss the influence of children? You say, “Sasha, are we going to discuss the next fifteen reincarnations, or the next five or ten years?” Do you see? And imagine all the different possibilities as well. The human brain—the human brain cannot do that. It cannot lay out every possible outcome. That capacity does not exist. And how much time would it take? Tanya, can you imagine—

How much time it would take, Tanya? Can you imagine how much time it would take? Even if we wanted to describe our own lives, it would take longer than we have lived, because we would start describing broader ranges of experience. That is without even getting into describing the future and laying out its various aspects. The point is that a person needs to try to do this, try to notice it, try to remember it, and try to give it their attention, Tanya. Imagine two people meet, and one does not respond. You suddenly have this impulse: “He is treating me heartlessly,” for example. You and I discussed this recently. I do not know whether it will end up in this video or the previous one. But the point is that you say to yourself, “Oh, I remember: my attitude toward this person, my feeling that he is being heartless, is my own ego.” And you stop yourself. You do not need spiritual vision for that, Tanya. Notice that. You do not need any bonuses, cheat codes, money, power, or access to holy people. It is simply your own perception, your understanding of how you are acting toward another person—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

That is psychology. Yes, I agree.

AVAlexander Volchek

Whether openly and freely or not.

Well, I do not know to what extent. I would not call that the level of psychology, Tanya, because the very fact of becoming aware of it means that certain energies and forces are present within you. We can discuss this endlessly. You simply will not have the strength for it. You can tell me every day. I support a great many people. They come to me for individual sessions, work in groups, and so on. Some come and say, “I completely agree with what you are saying. I will not do it again.” The very next day, they do it. Then they come back. “Why did you do that?” The person says, “I do not know.” This is very important, a very important aspect: begin to notice simple things in yourself. Simple, very simple things, not some cosmic characteristics. Begin to notice simple things and think about them. First and foremost, think about yourself, not the other person. People always think about the other person: what do they think? What will they do? Will they ask for forgiveness? They are to blame too. The world is to blame. These people are to blame. Those people are looking at the wrong things.

“Other people are to blame for what is happening to me. There are other aspects, another perception, another state.” A person does not think about their own attitude toward others, about how they relate to them.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Does this have something in common with conscience? It seems to me there are some overlaps. What do you think? If you think about other people, there is probably something in common with conscience there.

AVAlexander Volchek

Probably, in some ways, yes. Look, probably, in some ways, yes.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

But again, there is always some shame mixed in. You know, the way people said when we were children, “You have no conscience.” And that is it. They have put you down.

AVAlexander Volchek

When someone tells you, “You have no conscience,” if they are not saying it neutrally as a way of teaching you, they are speaking from ego. But they can say it that way. They can say it calmly, show you, and explain it. Conscience is a certain balanced state of perceiving and understanding other people, the laws of the Universe, and truths, and acting in accordance with those laws. People have been learning this and will continue to learn it for thousands of years to come. You will not arrive at an understanding of it within this lifetime. Everyone has a conscience. The question is how developed that state is, how developed their understanding and sense of that light is, how differently they understand and feel this whole life. This whole life. How they experience the range of that perception. First of all, Tanya, understand that another person who is with you may feel a much wider range than you do in certain areas, and see many more combinations of events ahead. You may think they are acting inappropriately or badly, or have no conscience. You may think fifty thousand times that they have no conscience. Then you need to look and understand why you are telling them that. Why are you saying it to this person at all?

What are you basing it on? What do you want to happen? Do you want this person to change? Or do you want to find what is true, to find the truth? Or to understand a particular event? Why are you saying it? Why are you doing it? This word is endless as a subject of human discussion. People will keep returning to it and interpreting it from different sides. It is a question of what they rely on, how they perceive and look at things. Imagine two fairly developed people with an understanding of psychology. One talks about conscience, and the other talks about conscience. But one is talking about it in terms of the social and material world and the laws of the physical world, believing only in material laws and the physical world. The other says that the material world is actually a product of the spiritual world, merely one part of it. Do you think they can reach a shared understanding of conscience? Absolutely not. Never. It is impossible. Tanya, it is impossible. We can debate as much as we like and find certain areas of overlap.

We can find echoes of an understanding of certain things, but we will not find a shared perception of conscience. We simply will not find it. Never.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Here is my next question, but please do not take it as being about you. Let us imagine some abstract person who dislikes someone else. I understand that you try to relate neutrally and equally to everyone. Well, not neutrally, but equally. How should you relate to a person you dislike for whatever reason? Imagine a hypothetical situation: I come to you and say, “Sasha, I dislike this person.” What would you say to me?

AVAlexander Volchek

There are two sides to behavior here. Two sides. I always suggest that everyone separate them. One concerns life and your study of life. The other concerns specific social aspects of perception. What do I mean by social aspects? “I dislike this person, so I am not going to hire them.” You ask why. “Because I have decided not to hire blondes.” “But you have no right to do that.” “That is what I have decided.” Some countries prohibit that; others allow it—or allow you to say it and express that view. Other countries prohibit even saying it. I think you cannot even say that in California. You cannot—

You cannot say it out loud. You cannot say it out loud. Where you and I live, you cannot do that. Elsewhere, it is allowed. You have the right to say it, and nothing will happen to you for it.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

In some places, you will not say you are refusing to hire her because she is blonde, but will cover it with some nicer-sounding reason.

AVAlexander Volchek

It is very important to separate these things for yourself, because we live in a social world, Tanya. If we act exclusively on our impulses and on an honest experience of life, that sometimes means an entirely different life. In one place, you will not be able to leave the country; elsewhere, you will not get a document; somewhere else, you will lose out. We live in a rigid social system. A rigid social system. You could not even run most businesses if you lived exclusively that way. People walk into your cafe and you say, “You know, there is a chance today. An employee came in, and I saw him sneeze. There is a 0.1 percent chance, but you could get sick.” Everyone will leave the cafe. If you operate that way everywhere, all the time, it does not work in certain social situations. That is why we act according to laws—the laws a country has established. You say, “We agreed to follow the law, so that is what we are doing.” That is what I always suggest. Someone says, “Sasha, that is manipulation. It is not spiritual.” It is spiritual, because you are aware of the truth of life. And if you then do things that involve manipulation, you are honestly aware of what you are doing, without inventing distortions for yourself.

“I actually fired this employee because he was earning too much money, but I told everyone he was doing a bad job. In this country, I cannot fire him for earning too much money; those are the rules. But if I do not do it, my business will die and close. Then none of you will get any money anyway, and I will also go to prison.” Tanya, that is an example of an unresolvable situation, one where the legislation in many countries simply does not work. Then at least be honest with yourself inside, examine the situation, and acknowledge that you do not fully understand whether this is permissible in terms of karmic causes and effects and the spiritual world. Try to act in a balanced, considered way. Do not invent some illusion around it. Do not create one. There is another side, Tanya, where you act from your own genuine impulses. You know you dislike this person. You see something happening. You see the person, and you cannot even be around them; you freeze up inside. You look at them, and they fill you with disgust.

This person brings out anger and negativity in you. You cannot be around them. You do not want them touching your children or your couch, or coming within two meters of you. States arise inside you, and you do not understand what is happening to you.

At the same time, you understand—you understand—that there are also situations where you do know why it happens.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

And times when it just happens.

AVAlexander Volchek

And times when it happens. Here is an important point. You keep it to yourself and behave in some socially acceptable way. You do not say, “Please step four meters away from me. I will tell you the truth: something is happening to me. Some impulse is at work inside me, and I cannot figure it out. That is why I cannot be around you.” You even have to adapt. In a sense, you deceive society and the people around you. You invite these people to birthday parties, meet them, have coffee with them, work with them, talk, smile, and adapt to society.

You are afraid and adapt to society because you do not know how to act differently. You do not know how, or you do not have enough strength. But at the same time, with all your heart, all your spiritual being, your whole true self, and all your life force and energy, you keep observing this situation and trying to understand it. Trying to understand it and see what is actually going on. What is going on? Why are these impulses at work inside me at all? You try to understand yourself without settling for “Well, it is because this person is dirty.” You stop and think—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Mm-hmm.

AVAlexander Volchek

“I see another dirty person, and it does not bring this out in me. Or I see that this same person does not provoke that reaction in a male or female friend of mine. Something does not add up.” Tanya, if you set those genuine impulses to investigate in motion within yourself—even while keeping them to yourself and keeping your attention on this person and their characteristics—you bring things into balance. You pour an incredible amount of love into that space, an incredible amount of energy into that space, and an incredible amount of happiness into that space. You begin to act with real honesty. You are genuinely honest, at least in your conversations and discussions with yourself. Sometimes you understand that you need to discuss the situation with this person. Sometimes you understand that you cannot discuss it with them. You discuss it with someone else, but you try to understand it. You want to understand it. You want to understand.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

So the key is observation, is that right? Observing and studying.

AVAlexander Volchek

That is a fact. It is the only thing a person can do when they do not know how to act.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

By the way, I agree with you one hundred percent here. Very often, simply observing a situation has taken my relationships with people I initially really disliked to a completely different level, one I had never expected. We practically became friends.

AVAlexander Volchek

We discussed a situation in one of the videos—or perhaps today's video; I do not know where they will put it—where I came up and said, “What a beautiful jacket you have.” You said, “It is not a jacket, it is a dress.” We went on to talk about it. How do I know you took it calmly? Why do I remember the situation that way? Because I try to observe. I was engaged in that situation. That does not mean I manage it everywhere. It does not mean I am always paying attention. But I know for certain that I was living in that situation. I was living in that moment. That is why I can describe it so easily and in such a range of detail. You might say—or someone looking on might say—“Volchek notices such strange things. Why?” But no, I was simply engaged at that moment. I was observing at that moment.

Other things could have arisen inside me then. Is it okay to order short dresses? Is that okay? You are talking about a short dress, and your back is bare. Those thoughts could have arisen in me. They did not, I am saying, but in general they could have, right? What is more, I could have noticed other things about you but not said anything because of certain social restrictions, or because it probably would have been considered impolite to say it or examine it.

And so on. I could have noticed how you were feeling, how a person was speaking, how other people were observing, or taken in everything that was there. When a strange state or feeling arises in you, Tanya, the first thing to do is recognize that this strange state or feeling is there at all. Most people do not recognize it. Why do I keep giving this example?

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Yes, they immediately assume the person is bad.

AVAlexander Volchek

Because I understand—

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

An energy vampire.

AVAlexander Volchek

They do not even notice that it is there. A person looks and thinks, “Well, she is dressed strangely,” or something else. They do not consider it more broadly. Why did the person do that? What impulses are within them? What states are at work? Is someone imposing a framework of their own, or looking at something else? You are well dressed, and the other person looks at themselves and thinks, “I look so bad. Why can I not do that?”

“Why am I like this?”

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

That happens a lot too.

AVAlexander Volchek

Then what does that make you? The cause of someone else's state, or of other things? No—on the one hand, no, actually. On the other hand, yes. The question is how easily you can perceive these areas. Someone tells you, “These states arose in me.” You say, “That is your issue, that they arose that way. I am not sending that out, because I did not dress this way to trigger that in you. This is—”

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

“I feel bad because of you,” yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

“Not about making you feel bad. I got dressed because I was in my room and thought, ‘Why not put on a red jacket today?’ So I did.”

That is all.

“It had nothing to do with that. I simply went into my closet, looked, and thought, ‘I will wear a T-shirt today.’ I was not thinking about anything at all.” This, too, is an important circumstance and an important way things work. Someone will say, “But you could have thought about other people. You could have considered other things.” You say, “Wait. Again, this is a question of rules. I did not come out to see you naked, after all.

“Although I could have, because it is my house. I can do what I want. On the other hand, I believe one should not do that, so I did not.” Because if you came out naked, next time people would think about whether to come and visit you.

TTTatyana Tsvetkova

Decide how to come over to my place.

One hundred percent.

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course. That is all. You visit all sorts of people. For example, there are people I do not visit, or I ask whether there will be alcohol. They say there will. I say, “Thank you very much. I will not be coming.” With some people, I decide right away not to go, because even if they say there will be no alcohol, there is a chance there will be, for example, or that there will be drugs or something else. So find out those details. We live in a society where conflicts like that can happen. It is just like driving somewhere and encountering a traffic jam you did not anticipate.