2 Signs Your Relationship Will Soon Fall Apart and How to Prevent It

AVAlexander Volchek

“I was developing, and you weren't. So let's split up.” Because the most important thing is what you personally will do. When you got together, you got together at a particular time. If someone makes a statement like that, simply acknowledge it as a fact. The problem with the modern world is that most people on planet Earth stopped developing at twenty-five to twenty-seven years old.

AVAnna Volchek

A very common reason you hear for breakups, especially after thirty-five or forty, is, “This isn't the woman I married,” or “This isn't the person I married.” He or she has changed, become a different person. Their values, worldview, interests, hobbies, and relationships with people have changed. And it seems to pull the two people completely apart.

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course that is a reason; it can be a reason for a breakup. Let's explain this calmly and simply. Imagine someone comes and says, “I married a different woman,” or “I married someone different. For example, he has changed, and I haven't.” If that's the case, you can ask, “Am I understanding you correctly? You haven't developed over these fifteen or ten years, while he has?” If someone says they haven't changed, we're saying that person stopped developing. That's a fact. It's a fact, a fundamental fact that, damn it, people don't understand. If I say to my wife, “Listen, I married a different person. You've changed, and I haven't,” she can calmly tell me, “Wait, okay. I really have changed. I've developed. I've developed as a mother. I've developed as a woman. I've developed as a professional. I've developed as a person. But that means you haven't changed. You've stayed where you were in your development.” The problem with the modern world is that most people on planet Earth stopped developing at twenty-five to twenty-seven years old. There is an explanation for that.

That's a separate video and a separate topic. But people have stopped developing. If someone makes that statement, simply acknowledge it as a fact. There's also this childish decision: “I've developed, and you haven't.” That happens often too. Someone says, “I haven't changed, and you have.” That's a problem. But there's also the opposite. I know a huge number of conflicts like this: “I've developed, and you haven't, so let's split up.” That's also one side of the conflict. One hundred percent, it is one side of the conflict. Of course it is. If a woman tells a man, “I've developed, and you haven't,” then first of all, she's being selfish. First, I'll say it again: everyone changes. Everyone changes. We can't freeze and precisely reproduce the state we were in five or ten years ago, let alone fifteen, twenty, or thirty years ago. I've often been asked, “You spend a lot of time on spiritual practices or spiritual development. Your wife doesn't.” Well, I also spend a lot of time on business. My wife doesn't do business. She will never in her life be able to earn the money I earn. She will never in her life be able to conduct the negotiations I conduct.

She will never in her life be able to. She's not, I don't know, a director by nature, or a business owner by nature. What kind of illusion is it to think that if I start painting and she starts riding horses, we have different forms of development, we develop differently, and therefore we'll break up? What? We were different to begin with. She's a woman, after all, and I'm a man.

AVAnna Volchek

Then look: that means it's a myth. This so-called different development, or a change in a person and their values, isn't what destroys the relationship. The reason for its breakdown lies elsewhere. Then we can't say that. People are mistaken when they think this is precisely why their relationship fell apart: he or she changed.

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, it's foolish to say that if people don't change, they won't break up. That's a myth. If people change, that really can be a reason, but the mere fact—the word “change” alone—isn't a reason. There's something inside it. Let's move on to specifics, to specific things. If someone changes and decides they need to go to a monastery for the next thirty years, that will clearly be a reason to separate. And a man would be unlikely to say here, “You just don't understand me. You know, you just aren't hearing me. I've made this decision.” Notice that there will be some women who calmly accept it and say, “That's all right. Go; I'll wait.” Someone will say, “There aren't any such people. That's nonsense.”

AVAnna Volchek

I don't know anyone like that.

AVAlexander Volchek

“There aren't any such people. That's nonsense.” But I would venture to say that such people do exist.

AVAnna Volchek

Of course.

AVAlexander Volchek

I would still venture to say that such people exist. Yes, it's possible. Completely different qualities, different things, are possible. Otherwise, simply saying that change isn't a cause is an abstraction, a kind of philosophizing. It is a cause. But let's look at what lies underneath. Let's look at what's really happening and who is really saying what. Don't deceive yourself, and don't let the other person deceive you. That's all.

AVAnna Volchek

What should someone do, or what could you advise them to look at? What should they focus on when they see their partner really changing or moving far away from them in terms of their previous lifestyle, things they used to do together, conversations, and so on? You don't really understand or grasp exactly where you're losing your understanding of them.

AVAlexander Volchek

In a relationship, there's only one thing you can do if you truly want to work on yourself, if you truly want to resolve something, if you truly want to do that work. The only thing you can do—the only thing you can do—is work on yourself. The only thing you can do is work on understanding everything we've just discussed: your own expectations, your own emotions, your own states, the various causes, why these states arise in your partner. Understand that your partner has the right to experience these states, that they're a living person and have the right to feel that they don't like something or that something is troubling them. Just as you have the right to feel that you want something different. You have the right to want something different. The next question is: What human principles do you live by? What do you choose as the foundation for your own development? There are a huge number of actions you could take. The question is what you choose for yourself. What are you willing to study and examine? How are you willing to approach it? Because the most important thing is what you personally will do and what you personally will feel.

People live together for ten years hating each other. You tell them, “You could have lived together just the same without hating each other. What's the point? You haven't separated.” It's like someone who worries and spends three years saying, “I'll quit smoking. I'll quit smoking. I'll quit; I'll get myself together.” They worry and get all worked up. Then they quit smoking and spend those three months suffering. After three months, they go back to smoking. I tell them, “You could have avoided suffering for three years and for those three months, and just kept smoking. Why did you need to worry? Then don't worry about it at all. Don't worry about it.” So the only thing a person can do is look at their inner state. If they're so clever, such a hero, and have developed so much, let them formulate a state for themselves: “I won't worry about this,” and that's it—it clicks into place. Everyone in the world is so clever, does everything so easily, and talks about everything so easily. It's an enormous, difficult process, a difficult question. Relationships in general—the subject of relationships, of relationships between a man and a woman—have an incredible number of different aspects.

I talk about this on my channel, and I'll continue talking about it in the future.

AVAnna Volchek

Continuing our discussion of why relationships break down and the conflicts within a couple: we've talked about how people change and how that can create a problem. But life also goes on, and different events happen that can affect a couple. For example, two people were living very happily together, but then a child arrives, and that brings very significant changes. Or they were living happily in one place, in one country, then move to another country and face completely new circumstances, which again change the context of their relationship. In general, are there transitional periods in life, major changes, that can significantly affect a couple, even to the point of a breakup?

AVAlexander Volchek

There really are things that can completely transform a relationship from within. If two people got together in a particular city at a particular time, that is one set of circumstances. If those same two people move to another country, for example, that can bring very significant changes. Why? Because one of them may start feeling bad, for example, since the external environment has an influence. Or two people met when they both had jobs where they simply earned a salary. Then one of them started a business and built a large corporation. Could that affect the relationship? Yes.

A large one. Could that affect the relationship? Yes. For example, someone started working eighteen hours a day, or acquired major worries. Or a couple got together when the man worked and the woman didn't. Their communication, discussions, and time together took place under one set of circumstances. Then the woman started working. Their evenings became completely different. The man comes home, and the person at home is completely different. She's come home from work too; she has her own feelings, her own life. There can be many other things. Certain events have happened in the world, new acquaintances have appeared, a war has begun. Many different events can happen, including events in the surrounding world. The most important thing to remember—the most important thing—is that when you got together, you got together at a particular time. Ten years later, it's a different time. It's a different time, and you feel different.

AVAnna Volchek

Can you prepare for changes and transitions like these in advance, so you can preserve the relationship, preserve that unity?

AVAlexander Volchek

There are two solutions here. In terms of preparing for these things, there are two solutions. One is fundamental work on how to build a good relationship. We'll talk about that now. What is the real foundation of a good relationship? What are the real golden rules of a good relationship? On the other hand, when we're talking about specific events—for example, we know we're going to move—and you understand beforehand that this may introduce certain circumstances into your relationship, into your family, it's important to try to consider how that move will affect not just you, but the other person, and how it may affect your relationship with each other. For example, when my wife and I moved from Moscow to the United States several years ago, I immediately discussed a number of circumstances with her. We discussed, for example, that we wouldn't focus on our four children's schooling when we moved. That was important, because we knew it could become a problem if we focused on it. It could become such a big problem that we'd create a problem for ourselves and be unhappy.

We established that. Or, for example, we discussed our financial possibilities because we were changing where we lived, so we'd all understand what would happen in connection with the move. That doesn't mean things were getting worse or better. It means we discussed a set of parameters, talked them through, and identified them. Since I work and earn the money, I tried to describe as fully as possible the different scenarios that could arise, including the risks. I tried several times to talk through and understand the extent of those risks, what the risks might be, and to hear how Polina perceived it all. We discussed friends and acquaintances, and we discussed together where we were heading. We talked in advance about many things that could be problematic about the move. That's extremely important, because the move brought changes to our relationship in any case. There's a different example: when I moved from Minsk to Moscow in 2010, when we were moving and making the decision, the situation was roughly this. I'd been offered a move to take charge of Megaplan. Megaplan was the market leader in Software as a Service, a task management system for the Russian-speaking market.

I came to her and said, “I've been offered a job with a high salary, a very good salary, and great opportunities.” She said, “I don't want to move to Moscow. I'm not going there.” Look at what this means: it's leading to a breakdown of the relationship, right? I replied that if I didn't realize my professional potential—and this was a good professional opportunity—it would most likely bring enormous problems into our family. Anya, this is exactly the question you were asking: it wasn't taking this action that would bring a problem into our family, but the opposite—failing to take it. I pushed the decision through, although she certainly didn't agree with it, and it took time for things to settle down. But I understood the situation. I traveled to Minsk every week. I did as much as I could to make Polina want to move to Moscow. After moving to Moscow, at some point she realized that her home was in Moscow, not Minsk. She completely stopped thinking about Minsk. It simply took time. In this case, we discussed it. At the same time, I looked at what I could do on my side to help resolve the situation.

It probably would have been better if she had moved right away, to be honest. It would have been much better for our relationship if she'd moved right away, because she didn't move at the beginning. I kept traveling, and she visited Moscow from time to time, and that clearly wasn't a very good situation. If we hadn't had a certain destiny and various circumstances in our lives, it could have separated us. Fortunately, everything held up; the system held up. So that's a specific solution. It's a solution to the question you asked.