Why Is It So Hard for You to Say “No”? The Real Reason No One Talks About

AVAnna Volchek

Sasha, how do you stop accommodating everyone? People often find it very difficult to say no. Being accommodating isn't fashionable at all now, and many people want to know how to stop. For example, you constantly adapt to your partner. They want to go to this restaurant, or cook this particular dish for dinner, and somehow you can't say no. Or at work, you take on more and more tasks, work overtime, overwork, because it is hard to say no. Eventually you become overloaded, but by then you are afraid to say no because people's expectations of you have changed. Or at a restaurant, they bring you a glass of wine. You taste it and don't like it, but you feel uncomfortable asking them to replace it even though you are paying for it. How do you stop accommodating everyone and be yourself?

AVAlexander Volchek

"Stop being accommodating" sounds a little selfish, doesn't it? And when we say it isn't fashionable, that sounds selfish too, doesn't it? At least that is an initial impression. I have a question for you. I have a question. There are people you can't say no to. Are there people you can say no to in exactly the same situation? Exactly the same situation. Are there or aren't there?

AVAnna Volchek

I suppose so. I can't immediately think of—

AVAlexander Volchek

Look, the thing is—

AVAnna Volchek

But I think there certainly are.

AVAlexander Volchek

The thing is, this is an important structure, right? For example, someone's mother asks them for something, and they can't say no to their mother but can say no to their father. They can say no to their son but not to their daughter, to their husband but not to a female friend, and so on. Are there situations where a person shouldn't say no? Are there situations where a person shouldn't say no? Are there situations like that or not, where the answer is always yes? Anya?

AVAnna Volchek

I would assume there are.

AVAlexander Volchek

Of course there are. When someone truly asks for help, truly asks for support, when there is a legitimate basis, a real basis, a legitimate basis under the laws of the universe, an absolutely legitimate one. The first thing it is very important to start noticing in order to resolve this situation at all, Anya—the first thing to notice and begin to perceive, or at least begin to distinguish—is where yes and no are both possible, where you generally need to accept the other person's point of view as a given, and where you will say no in any case. There are situations where you will say no no matter what. For example, if someone offers you alcohol now, you will say no to everyone, right?

AVAnna Volchek

Right.

AVAlexander Volchek

There was probably a time when you could say no to some people but couldn't say no to others. You simply couldn't. It would be a little difficult in a particular situation. What you need to learn to notice, Anya—and this is very subtle—is to distinguish states in which there is a firm yes and a firm no for you yourself. When you start noticing your own firm yes and firm no, you will be able to diagnose the following problem. First, you will learn to recognize and properly assess all the situations that arise: when you need to say no and when you don't. First, you need to separate these things. You have done that, and you see there are situations where you can say no to alcohol with some people but not with others. Or situations where you can tell some people you are busy in the evening but can't tell others, and decline going somewhere, for example. You have developed a clear system of perception. This is very interesting: you have developed a clear perception of your different patterns of behavior, your own different patterns of behavior.

Again, when the question is framed as "I don't want to be that way; it isn't fashionable," or "That's it, from now on I'll only act the way I want," that is selfishness. There can be situations where you need to make concessions to other people for quite a long time. So you must never start from the idea that you should do this in every situation. Resolving the question properly does not mean learning to say no in every situation or yes in every situation. You need to learn to be aware. If you are aware and perceive the world broadly, you don't generally have this problem. For example, I know that if I don't like something at a restaurant, I feel uncomfortable saying so. I know this, notice it, and understand it perfectly. I understand that it is hard for me to say it not because the servers are tense, not because there is a law saying I can't, but because I have some ingrained personal quality and this habit. The first thing I do, if I don't speak up, is not create a conflict over it.

I try not to create a conflict. Of course, I don't always succeed. I try not to create a conflict over it. That is the first thing. I try to remain aware that I simply don't have the strength to handle it. What do I do next? Month after month, year after year, Anya, in different places where I feel this discomfort, I increasingly tell people about it calmly. Again, I understand that I tell them, Anya, not because they are bad people or because I feel negatively toward them, but because it is my opinion and it is legitimate. Very often, people are afraid to say no because they don't understand whether it is legitimate. Very often, they are afraid because they lack confidence in themselves, any confidence at all. That lack of confidence is projected onto their perception of the setting they are in, and they don't recognize what is happening, what is true or false. Very often, people can't say no because they don't want to face the various problems that might arise, or the uncertainty of a future situation.

For example, today you and I are filming. We filmed a lot in San Francisco, and there were interesting places we could have gone into to film. We passed some stores. I wouldn't have minded going into some of them and looking at things. They make a good background; it is always interesting. I would gladly have gone into some stores and filmed. But I don't want to face going into a store and explaining what I need, that filming is in progress, that I am, say, a blogger making some kind of content, and that I also want to look around the store while someone films me. "Do you mind?" An enormous number of stores would have absolutely no objection, because it is only advertising for them, right? Just advertising. But I don't want to face that conversation itself, Anya. In this case, I am quite aware that I don't want to face the conversation. The next question is why I don't want to, and so on. But I have an awareness of it, an awareness of it.

AVAnna Volchek

Can we look a little deeper, somehow, at where this energy and fear come from, this inability to say no that you encounter?

Saying no—something hundreds of thousands of people struggle with. Where does it come from? Where is its source? The fear of saying no to something you don't like or disagree with. Ultimately, isn't this about yourself, about really being able to be yourself and express who you are?

AVAlexander Volchek

It is a vast area of insecurity. It is insecurity, Anya. When you ask whether we can look at the source of that insecurity, it varies greatly from person to person. There is no single source of insecurity. You also need to understand that, in different situations, you may generally be a very confident person, but someone will appear whom you can't say no to, with whom you can't be yourself. This brings us to something very interesting. Look, Anya: the act of saying no, as the question was framed at the start of the video, is basically about being selfish. The desire to sort it out, and the fashion for it. But trying to understand it and find out what is actually happening—why this insecurity is inside me, why these doubts are inside me, what I am afraid of—that is a fundamental solution to the situation. Most people want to work it out and say yes for their own benefit. I suggest that everyone watching, including you, Anya, approach it not for personal benefit, not simply to learn to say yes to everyone, but to understand the root.

When we talk about restaurants, about how it is a little difficult for me to say I didn't like something, honestly, I can go to a restaurant with you a hundred times and say it a hundred times. But that won't change the source of the problem, Anya: on one hand, my discomfort, and on the other, the source of the problem itself in terms of confidence. Even if I resolve the issue at that restaurant, I won't have worked through the original cause. An enormous number of techniques are built on this and say you will work through it. But in the restaurant example, I am not touching the root itself. When I do it in a restaurant, I can do it very easily and skillfully. You have probably seen me do it. You've probably seen me say something, and you could hardly tell that I feel shy about it unless I tell you. Performing it skillfully does nothing to remove the problem inside. Here is an important part of this for a person: again, on one hand, in the social world you do need to be able to manipulate and simply take actions, even actions you are not naturally inclined to take.

There is no question about that. On the other hand, when someone feels weak, beaten down, unprotected, lost, when their whole life feels like a long series of failures, they are afraid of people. Of course it isn't easy to respond to other people. We live in a society, a social world, with an enormous amount of aggression, and many people express aggression. When you are constantly closing yourself off—people live by endlessly closing themselves off from others—you aren't only shutting out bad people, so-called bad people. You shut out good people too, and you shut yourself off from yourself. You stop hearing yourself, feeling yourself, knowing yourself. There is one solution that many people may not like, but it is a solution. You need to grasp it now, because I see how often it is difficult to grasp. The biggest solution to this whole situation is learning to distinguish the different components of your life at any given moment.

UPUnidentified participant

What does distinguishing its components mean?

AVAlexander Volchek

I'll explain. People have trouble distinguishing the components of their lives because they live exclusively in the physical world and perceive the world entirely in material terms. They don't perceive themselves as spiritual beings, with the physical, material world being only a part of themselves, only a part of themselves. This creates a problem with distinguishing the parts of your life. What does that mean? In this case, Anya, it means being able to learn the following actions. The first, fundamental action is to understand that, for example, if you have a job, that job has a purpose. A workout has a purpose. A trip to a restaurant has a purpose. Focusing on the purpose lets you see whether the event happening now, where you say yes or no, is connected to that purpose. People want to do enormous numbers of things emotionally, without relying on the goal they have set. You need to rely on the goal. Do you really need to say yes for that goal, or does it make no difference to the goal? Is it important or unimportant? Is it important or unimportant for that goal?

This distinction allows you to enter a state of observation, of observing your life broadly. Separating it into parts is incredibly important. It is very difficult to grasp. How can you simultaneously be in a state of spiritual joy and balance, while at work living entirely within a social perception, within social boundaries that are very rigid, often very rigid? You need to stop mixing things together. Someone has a problem in their professional life, at their current job, and begins to perceive that job as their entire life. Yet it is only a small part of their professional activity, a part of professional activity of which there has been much and will be much more. This distinction is completely unfamiliar to an enormous number of people. They don't live with the awareness that there is professional life, a whole lifetime, many jobs, many businesses. In situations where you can't say no, focusing on the specific situation and understanding its purpose—truly, specifically understanding it, rather than reflecting abstractly and viewing yourself abstractly as an insecure person—will let you work through it gradually, step by step. We are talking about specifics now.

Learn to say no at certain moments when it is required. Again, you can learn to say no anywhere, but a particular situation will arise where you may lose. To deal with that, you need to learn to listen, to focus while maintaining broad awareness. You need to be able to observe yourself from the outside. To solve this problem at all, you need to be able to observe yourself from the outside at any moment. That is why I often recommend something in situations where, for example, a person knows that they always have a conflict with their boss and freeze up. Or they have a conflict with a partner and freeze up. I often tell people, "Take a break. Go to the bathroom." In the social world, no one ob—

No one objects to your going to the bathroom. Or simply say, "I'm suddenly feeling very unwell. My heart suddenly started hurting. May I step away for a second?" Or say your kidneys or liver suddenly hurt. Something related to health. Reasonable people respond to that. Take a pause so you don't fall into this emotional oblivion where you no longer perceive what is happening. People can't say no not because they are incapable of saying "no, yes, no, yes," but because they enter—and this is very important—a state without perception. They stop perceiving. When someone sees an animal—I often use these examples; forgive me—what happens to them? They stop perceiving. Their physical state and mind-body responses take over completely. They stop perceiving. You need to learn to perceive in different situations: when talking to a child, swimming in a pool, watching a TV series, meditating, having sex. Learn to perceive, to remain broadly aware instead of narrowly concentrating on one specific action.

The world often teaches you how to do one particular thing. But can you do one particular thing while also perceiving an enormous number of other things? Yesterday I was sitting with a friend, and at one point he said, "Sasha, wait. You're talking to me while also perceiving this state, this world, this state, that state." I said, "I'm perceiving another fifty states like those too." He said, "How is that possible?" I said, "How could it be impossible? We live in a world where we believe... You believe that, by thinking about your wife, you can stir her and she will wake up and think of you. I understand perfectly well that my children, my mother, my wife, my friends, my many students, people who listen to me, and my partners may be thinking about me right now. I am perceiving the world and different energies simultaneously, here and now. Just as, while driving here and now, I perceive the road. Does anyone think I don't perceive the road? I still perceive it. My automatic responses to the road operate here and now, but beyond those responses, I clearly observe. For example, my car is driving on autopilot and changing lanes.

I still have automatic responses through which I watch, when turning, whether I can turn or not, whether the road is clear somewhere, why there is traffic, what the weather is like, and other things." Learn to perceive. When an animal appears, you stop perceiving everything. You stop perceiving the nature around you. Often, when someone shouts at you or holds a higher position, you stop perceiving things more broadly. There may be many different reasons for that. You may feel enslaved because, for example, you were beaten, or because you have energies from past lives that perceive it that way. Or you are speaking with someone more domineering, or think you will lose your job, your money, or your health. So in many situations, you cannot give a true answer. The point is not to say no. The point is to make the right decision. So learn to say yes, not no. Learn to take a pause. You know how many times I have advised you to pause instead of making a decision. Notice how you periodically ask me for advice or information.

You say, "Sasha, what about this? And what about this? And this?" I say, "Wherever we haven't discussed it, take a pause. Just take a pause." Imagine I come home now and my wife asks me to do something that I usually can't say no to. Let's imagine such a situation. There are probably some. It means I will immediately understand that I am outside a state of awareness. If I am outside awareness, I may make a false decision. If I may make a false decision, the first thing I will do is pause. I will definitely say, "Polina, listen, can I have thirty minutes to think?" Here is an interesting case about no. I remember my daughter wanted an Instagram account and kept coming to me: "Dad, can I get Instagram?" I said, "No." "Can I get Instagram?" "No." "Can I get an Instagram account?" "No." She asked, "Why?" I said, "Because your face shouldn't be on the internet, in terms of energy." She said, "What does that mean?" I explained something. She said, "I didn't understand any of that. So I can't get Instagram?" "You can't."

Then, when she came to me again, I realized I was saying no automatically, unconsciously. I realized I wasn't looking at the whole picture. I realized I was answering from certain prejudices of my own. I had stopped examining the situation. Initially, I knew why I was saying no. But time passed, and as it passed I felt something different was needed. At that moment I said, "Listen, can I take a pause and think?" Taking a pause to think was a very good decision, because I clearly caught and recognized that I had been unaware, and the pause allowed me to enter a state of real awareness. Cases like this are moments of truth and honesty. Not cases where you pause and manipulate, although sometimes you need to do that. Again, in modern society, sometimes you need to. Cases like this, Anya, strongly develop firm knowledge and perception within you. When a person perceives everything happening, understands cause and effect more broadly, understands and perceives it more broadly rather than abstractly, it gives them a confidence, Anya, that cannot be found anywhere else.

No bank account, no name on a business card or anywhere else, no university degree will give you that real confidence, because you are in a state of real perception. We also need to remember that, in our lives and society, there are places where you will never be able to say no. You need to be at peace with that. I think you know places where you will never be able to say no. Never. Suppose I do business with a partner whom I always have to say yes to. If I do business with a partner I always have to say yes to, and I am doing that business not to say no, express my opinion, or gain confidence, but to earn a hundred thousand dollars a month with him, I will calmly continue saying yes. I won't even react to it. It will be a ritual, Anya, a ritual of agreeing with another person. There are such rituals and exercises: "Agree with other people; say yes to them." Such rituals exist. I am not talking about the movie Yes Man and saying yes to every silly thing, but about agreeing with other people in general and hearing their different positions.

I will simply agree. I won't violate anything or deceive anyone, because look at what happens. Usually, Anya, we have trouble with yes or no where we are afraid. This is important: afraid the other person will disagree with our opinion or refuse to accept it. Imagine I am talking to my partner and he suggests an idea. I say yes. He says, "Listen, are you really confident about it or not?" I say, "You know, I probably don't know." In a reasonable partner, a good person, that will prompt self-reflection. The situation may change. Notice that it can change not because you learned to say no, but because you shifted your focus and made a distinction within yourself: here I will keep saying no—sorry, keep saying yes—and keep earning money. Definitely. You put it very well, Anya: "Being yourself means being in a state of perception."

Perception. Being yourself means—of course!—perceiving what is happening, everything around you. Being in a state of perception. What is the problem with alcohol? Alcohol narrows perception, which is why people so often become alike and do the same things together in a group: everyone starts talking or making friends. Their perception narrows, or, conversely, aggression appears. Their perception simply narrows, and they focus on aggression. They stop being themselves. Anya, take that same lion: I want to tell you that if you remain yourself and remain human, the lion will most likely never approach you. That has been described and discussed. What do they say, Anya? Stay calm. What is calm? What is calm? It is calmly perceiving everything around you. You remain in a state of healthy perception, and you need to learn that, Anya, really work at learning it. People live like squirrels in a wheel: fall asleep, wake up, the day passes, fall asleep, wake up. They dislike today, tomorrow, the past; like the future, like the past, dislike the future. People live without perceiving their lives. They like something too much, hate something, adore something. All of these are aspects of a lack of perception, a healthy perception of everything happening.

But with a healthy perception of what is happening, Anya, a person is prepared for any event. Look how interesting that is: with healthy perception, a person is ready for any event, Anya. Can you imagine how difficult it is to be ready for any event in life, absolutely any event, including the possibility of dying at any moment, including the possibility that the people around you could die at any moment? Being ready does not mean you are guaranteed to know how you will act. It means you want to strive toward that. You are open to it, understand that things can unfold differently, that you may behave in different ways, and that it is impossible to be a hundred percent prepared, as people normally want to be. You understand that. It is an incredible path toward a solution, an absolutely incredible path toward a solution.

AVAnna Volchek

You know, I think we've already moved quite far from one thing into several different dimensions, haven't we?

AVAlexander Volchek

From what one thing?

AVAnna Volchek

Even from the original question.

AVAlexander Volchek

Why?

AVAnna Volchek

I mean, we've answered much more broadly, haven't we?

AVAlexander Volchek

It isn't much broader; it is the answer to the question. People want some specific aspect, some specific point. But how can you give a specific point when every life and every situation is different, Anya? All lives and situations are different. Some people will never in their lives, never in their lives, learn to say yes across a whole range of things, and they don't need to learn. They don't. There are places where you will never be able to do it. It is very important to acknowledge that. People want a specific solution: one, two, three, four. They want to do it in every situation. As soon as you acknowledge that it cannot be resolved in this situation, everything immediately changes. As soon as you accept that this person is the way they are. You live with someone and understand: this is how they are. I won't try to change it anymore. Next, I will decide what to do: live with this person, work with this boss or this employee. I will decide what to do about it. Keep seeing this friend, go to this café or not. I will decide what to do.

But there are places, Anya, where you shouldn't try to change it, insist on introducing it or making it happen. Don't. That is an incredibly powerful realization. There are situations where you won't be able to act differently, so simply observe it. In some situations, you know, you should even be glad about it. Be glad. Why argue with it? Turn it to your advantage, since the question was framed selfishly to begin with. I mean people's requests, not yours. So turn it to your advantage, as I described in the partnership example. With employees: if an employee likes it that way, do it that way with them. If a female friend likes it that way, do it that way with her. Just recognize the level of your relationship. If you can't say yes to someone, it is a question about the relationship as a whole. Recognize the level of that relationship.

AVAnna Volchek

In that same context, we can also talk about the level of the relationship if you can't say no to the other person.

AVAlexander Volchek

I am talking about no. That is the no I am talking about, Anya. What do you think I'm talking about? That's exactly what I mean. What do you mean?

AVAnna Volchek

You said, if you can't say yes to someone. I understood that as giving way to them.

AVAlexander Volchek

I said, if you can't say no to someone.

AVAnna Volchek

You said yes.

AVAlexander Volchek

I said... I mean exactly the same thing. There is no difference. Do you understand? Even what you are projecting here, yes and no—you are dividing them, dividing—

AVAnna Volchek

No, I meant that when you can't say yes to someone, I thought you meant you can't give way to them, for example to a partner or someone close to you whom you show—

AVAlexander Volchek

In fact, it is all the same structure—

AVAnna Volchek

Yes. And just as often we separate these things, when essentially it is the same: if we can't say no, we are also being dishonest with them.

AVAlexander Volchek

Anya, look. There is no question about dishonesty here, again, or motivation, goals, and impulses. No question at all. We were examining situations where you think that doing it will lead to problems. People invent problems for themselves, imagine them. Often. Often, you say no and the other person says, "Oh, okay." There is no issue at all. It turns out you could do that? All of you have encountered enormous numbers of situations where you did something in an unusual way and it turned out to be completely fine, perhaps even better. Your partner, acquaintances, bosses, employees, or colleagues say, "Wait, we could do it that way?" If there are things left unspoken in your relationships with some people, it is a question about those relationships. Then you need to approach it from another angle, come together and work through the situation. But again, there are situations where you shouldn't examine it. It will only cause trauma and problems. In some situations, you need to recognize that it is forever. The problem, Anya, is that people don't want it to be forever.