Idealizing Life: What to Do About Perfectionism

AVAlexander Volchek

Are you sure other people have the same idea of perfection? Then you need to understand that a perfect relationship is a relationship that no longer develops. Just this morning, someone close to me said, “Listen, I simply have a feeling that if I earn enough to have a million dollars or ten million dollars set aside, I'll stop worrying about money.” Having the very notion of an ideal, of a perfect picture, limits your own development and thinking. Of course, you can use an idea of some wonderful state, or some other state, as a transitional point, a reference point. But an ideal implies a finished, polished state, something brought to completion. A perfect painting. That painting will no longer be developed. Nothing new will be painted on it. It's a perfect painting. When we talk about a perfect relationship, when we talk about a perfect career, a perfect job, or a perfect financial situation, we need to understand that having this ideal means everything has been completed. And it's very simple—no problem. If you want a perfect relationship, you need to understand that a perfect relationship is a relationship that no longer develops.

It has stopped. There will be nothing new for you. When you talk about a perfect job—a perfect amount of money—you need to understand that there won't be any more money either. That's the end. The end has been reached; this is the perfect amount, and it has been reached. There is no development beyond it. When you say there is a perfect appearance, when you say there is a perfect child, when you say there is a perfect education, when you say there is a perfect business that has a certain configuration of parameters, you're limiting it, stopping its development. The painting is a very good analogy. You're slowing that development down. Someone says, “I'll earn a million dollars, and then I'll feel at peace.” Just this morning, someone close to me said, “Listen, I simply have a feeling—I'm working toward it—that if I earn enough to have a million dollars or ten million dollars set aside…” Some amount; he does already have a million dollars. “If I earn a certain amount of money, I'll stop worrying about money.” Or I have a friend who used to say all the time, “I'll earn a million dollars, move to Thailand, and feel at peace.” Or, “When my salary…” I remember the same person saying, “When my salary is seven thousand dollars, I'll be happy.”

We laugh about that together now. He passed that threshold a long time ago, and he understands that it didn't just fail to bring happiness and harmony—it didn't bring anything at all. On the contrary, you've entered an even larger sphere, expanded your range even further. So having an ideal is destructive in this sense: it's an unattainable state. A painting has a final state. Some artists search endlessly for perfection in a painting. That does happen. As we know, those paintings are then burned, or never come into being, or are thrown away, because the person can't find perfection and burns the work. And when they can't find perfection, that means they have been unhappy all along. They kept saying that perfection would come at some other time. Essentially, that person isn't living. They aren't just limiting themselves, Anya; they really aren't living.

AVAnna Volchek

What are we missing out on? What are we missing out on by trying to be perfect?

AVAlexander Volchek

Well, we're missing out on life right now. First and foremost, we're missing out on life right now. Second, we're missing out on entirely different possibilities: realizing that this isn't actually the ideal, that there is so much else. We're also missing the very understanding of what we want to get from it. We say, “Then it will be perfect.” Someone says, “I'll earn some money, and then I'll get married.” Or, “Only after we've lived together for three years will we have a child.” But they've missed out on having a child, missed the opportunity to experience love. Someone says, “I'll work hard for fifteen years, and then I'll catch my breath and be able to take care of my health.” They've lost their health. Someone says, “I'd rather earn a thousand dollars now than three hundred; at least that will bring me to the perfect moment.” But they're missing out on their real professional development, on an area where they could fulfill their potential—truly fulfill it. Moving toward an ideal is an illusion. The person is living in an illusion, and they simply need to tell themselves that they're living in an illusion, because the ideal doesn't exist.

AVAnna Volchek

How do we break out of that illusion? How?

AVAlexander Volchek

Understand what I've just said. To break out of this illusion, it's enough simply to understand that there is another space beyond the ideal, that the ideal isn't the final point. The thing is, an ideal doesn't exist only for the sake of happiness, does it? If you want to understand this ideal, then look at why you need it. For example, why do I need a perfect relationship? I need a relationship—a perfect relationship—so that I can have the right kind of children. Or I need a perfect relationship so that I can show other people that my relationship is perfect. You and I both understand that the goals can differ. If you want a perfect relationship so you can show other people that you have a perfect relationship, then you need to look further into it. Are you sure other people have the same idea of perfection? Next: Why do you want to create an impression on someone? What are you doing it for? Are you living in this relationship so you can show all of this to other people? Then agree on that together at home: you're building a relationship, building a family, so other people can watch it. That's your fundamental foundation. You aren't living for love, not for happiness, not for harmony, not for joy, not for an understanding of each day you live, not for future circumstances, but only for the outward picture.

Sure, no problem at all. Can that happen? It can. In that case, there really is a final point, and you say, “Here is a set of parameters that have to be met. This will be a perfect relationship in terms of the outward picture.” Sure, no problem. But that isn't the ideal of your relationship with each other on the inside. It's a perfect picture for how other people perceive you from the outside. This same idealization exists in a huge number of issues—in a very large number of issues. It's a very complex structure, and I suggest you notice and examine where you're creating it, where you're idealizing, where you're bringing this into your life, where it is. I suggest you look for it right in your own life and make a list. This is very powerful. Working through it, looking at it the way I've described today, is a very substantial step forward. It will give you a chance to look at your own life differently in a serious, very serious way. Make a list; it will help you a great deal.